Have I Come Down With Hallucinationism?

•November 24, 2014 • 18 Comments

 

invisible fence

Do you see the invisible fences, too?

We’ve established I’m psychic.

I just want to be sure I don’t have a case of hallucinationism as well.

(Just so you know, I took this picture.)

Psychic Lorna Interviews Wannbe Psychic and Actual Author Liz

•November 21, 2014 • 21 Comments
And I'm psychic, too.

And I’m psychic, too.

In my never-ending quest to help Indie authors like myself, I present to you another zany yet informative interview.

This time, the lucky author is Liz Marshall. She recently wrote her first novel, an entertaining murder mystery, entitled “Seeing Eye: A Day a the Fair.”

Now doesn't this look intriguing?

Now doesn’t this look intriguing?

I read it and loved it, but I knew it would be a great read before I read it.

How is that possible? Only those without The Sight would be asking.

How is that possible? Only those without The Sight would be asking.

Because I’m psychic.

And the protagonist is a psychic.

And Diana Douglas, a great author of romance novels and all around wonderful blogger buddy, said it’s a great book.

So I invited Liz over to my place for a sit down.

Here’s what went down.

Lorna: Don’t mind all the boxes and random stuff on the floor, Liz. Just shove that pile of what-not off the couch and get cozy. I’m getting ready for a move and things are a bit topsy-turvy around here.

Liz: (looking around suspiciously) Okay Lorna. But if this isn’t a good time, we could postpone.

Lorna: Nonsense! No time like the present. Since I’m psychic, I kind of know what you’re going to say, but my readers don’t, so we really need to do this.

Liz: (Sitting down, screaming, standing back up) What was that?

Lorna: Oh, don’t mind him. Scrappy’s very friendly once he realizes you didn’t mean to sit on him. (smiling, watching Scrappy trot away). He’ll be fine. Sit.

Liz: (looking carefully and sitting)

Lorna: Relax, Liz. I sense you’re feeling tense. Take a deep breath and let it out. Good. Let’s begin. Give us your best pitch for why we should read this book in 30 words or less.

Liz: No pressure there! Hmmm. Alright. Rory works as a cheap Gypsy psychic in a carnival, in a tent with her dog. She’s complicated. She has trust issues. She wants a quiet life. Ain’t happening.

Lorna: Pretty good! Even though I know the answer to this question already, I feel compelled to ask. Since your book is a murder mystery with the central character being a real psychic pretending to be a “carney” psychic, do you have psychic abilities?

Liz: No, I don’t.

Lorna: (laughing) Yeah, That’s kind of obvious, you nearly crushed my dog. Any psychic would’ve known he was lying under that pile of pillows.

Liz: (blushing) Um. I guess so. Are you sure he’s alright?

Lorna: He’s fine. Trust me, He just sent me a message.

Liz: (looking for the nearest exit) Oh, right, the psychic question…I just think it would be so cool to have that extra sense, to know things that others don’t. So, I did the next best thing and used my writer’s superpowers to create a character who did. And then I wondered, would it be as wonderful as I thought it would be? And Rory Wilson was born.

Lorna: Do you believe others, like, say, me, have psychic abilities?

Liz: I’m not sure. I don’t personally know anyone who is psychic. But then, I haven’t seen a Yeti or Bigfoot either, but I have to believe it’s possible. I’ll be exploring this further on my website, http://www.FearlessFool.com, so if any of your readers have personal experience with the supernatural, I’d love to hear from them!

Lorna: Well, then, you’ll be hearing from me. I once helped to locate a lost cat. Guided the owner right to her from 150 miles away.

Liz: Wow. that’s impressive.

Lorna: We all thought so. Speaking of impressive, you seem to know a great deal about how carnivals work and that whole subculture. How did you get that knowledge?

Liz: I go to the Arizona State Fair every year, so that helped. When I knew my novel would be set there, I signed up for a carney newsletter and read it. I also made an appointment with management for an interview, so I was actually in the large, lush trailers I wrote about. I walked around and talked to some carneys. One of my critique group friends had been an attorney for the State of Arizona, and had worked with the fair, and she answered some questions. And then, of course, I made stuff up!

Lorna: Making stuff up works great for me, too. Because you’re not psychic like me, I take it the idea for the book didn’t come to you in a dream. How did it come to you?

Liz: Gee, Lorna, you don’t have to rub it in.

Lorna: Liz, I’m known for my hard-ball questions. I can’t help myself, even if I dislike sports references.

Liz: Okay, I won’t take it personally. I consoled myself about not being psychic by writing a story about someone who was, and how it ruined her life.

Lorna: And I won’t take that personally. (winking) You’re quick-witted, Liz! That’s why you were able to write a suspenseful murder mystery with just the right mix of humor and romance thrown in. That, my friend, is some good writing. Tell us about how you came to be a writer and not a psychic.

Liz: You had to remind me, didn’t you?

Lorna: (trying to look innocent) Your journey as a writer?

Liz: Sure. I’ve been a voracious reader all my life, and I’ve thought about writing since I was a teenager, but for some reason never pursued it. When my children went off to college I dusted off my dream and went for it.

Lorna: Good for you! Good for us, too! What was the most valuable lesson you learned from writing or publishing this book?

Liz: When I started the process I thought writing was a solitary and lonely profession, but I’ve met so many wonderful, fascinating people on my journey – including you, Lorna! – that my world has actually expanded beyond my wildest dreams.

Lorna: I knew you were going to say that. Tell us something no one knows about you (except for me, of course, because I’m, well, you know…).

Liz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been writing song lyrics for about ten years, looking for someone to put them to music. So – and I just realized this – the music came before the fiction.

Lorna: You just realized this? You really aren’t psychic if you didn’t even know this about yourself! Let’s get on more familiar ground. Was there a question you wished I had asked but didn’t? Go for it! Ask and answer it. Try not to surprise yourself.

Liz: (laughing) How about, “Who’s that beautiful girl on the cover?” And I’d say, “Why, thank you for asking, Lorna, that’s my daughter, Caitlin!”

Lorna: And she is quite lovely. Thanks for coming over, Liz. I hope lots of people buy and read your book. I’m sure they’ll love it as much as I did. If you click on the link to Amazon below, you’ll see my five-star review of Liz’s novel.

Right now, Seeing Eye is only available on Amazon, but in the new year,
Liz expects to have it available in all the major book outlets.

Golly, we could be sisters, except I'm psychic and Liz isn't. Have I mentioned that?

Golly, we could be sisters, except I’m psychic and Liz isn’t. Have I mentioned that?

Flying Donkeys and Fairy Men, Oh My!

•November 18, 2014 • 28 Comments
Golly, I think Lorna's Voice is just about the funnest blog around.

Golly, I think Lorna’s Voice is just about the funnest blog around.

I’d like to think that people to come my blog to get their dose of my unique sense of humor and style.

I’d also like to think that my blog is a wholesome, down-to-earth, safe sanctuary of good, clean fun.

Gosh, darn, it, reality suggests otherwise.

Well, at least the stats on the internet searches that brought viewers to my blog in the last several months suggest otherwise.

I have reviewed the data carefully. Lorna is correct. She is living is a dream world if she believes her blog is as innocent as she thinks.

I have reviewed the data carefully. Lorna is correct. She is living in a dream world if she believes her blog is innocent and perfectly wholesome.

Here are just of few of the search phrases  terms  ridicuwords strung together that people out there in Ether Land are actually typing in and somehow finding me.

“full body cast”–They probably are not searching for the cast members of a reality show called “Full Body” even though there’s probably a show out there scheduled for Sweeps Week.

“women in quicksand”–Men, I’m sure there are easier ways to get rid of her body.

“buzz cut women”–Men, see above.

“man fairy”–Who would be searching for a man fairy and when did I ever talk about man fairies? What are man fairies?

“saying I’m sorry in blood”–I’m the first to admit that I have chronic, even terminal, apologitis, but I never used blood to write an “I’m sorry” letter. I prefer a nice #2 pencil.

“dog with gun”–Whoa, Nelly! I agree that all dogs should be licensed, but not for firearms. That’s just wrong.

“fleshy girl”–Hey, I’m glad you’re looking for a woman with a bit of heft, but I’m not her.

“woman lifts man stories”–See above.

“Can donkeys fly?”–You actually typed this question into a search engine?

“manure man”–Kind of sounds like a Super Hero, huh? His power is repelling people.

“blonde with sexy leg”–Just one leg?

“What do you get a dancer?”–The other leg? Music?

“Mother Theresa was a psychopath”–What the fluffernutter? I sense a little transference going on (that’s when you attribute your feelings, beliefs, or screwiness onto someone else, right?).

“sexy woman walking dog”–Well, if my shoe fits…

“sexy blonde college teacher”–Again, guilty as charged.

“old woman with braces”–Now, that’s just mean.

“Lorna’s April porno film”–I never, repeat, never made a porno film in April! I was very busy with other projects in April.

“ex-psychopath sending me telepathic messages”–First, are you concerned or bragging? Second, are you sure about the “ex” part? Third, are your sure about the “telepathic” part? Fourth, how could you possibly think anyone on the Internet could help you?

“old man rubbing his nipples”–This is so situation-dependent, it’s hard for me to know how to respond. Ick? Call 911? Ick and call 911?

“bimbo hot pants”–I have better fashion sense than that. Hot pants went out of vogue in the 1970s. Sheesh!

So, you see, all kinds of creepy-web-crawlers are finding my innocent, silly little blog.

I’m beginning to think that I’m getting a sullied reputation in the blog-o-sphere.

I'm just a little angel trying not get into too much mischief.

I’m just a little angel trying not to get into too much mischief.

What do you think? Am I getting into too much mischief?

 

 

News From Readum N. Weap, Inc.

•November 13, 2014 • 30 Comments
We don't use the whatcha call typical tools of the marketing trade, but we get er done.

We don’t use the whatcha call typical tools of the marketing trade, but we get er done.

You remember us, right?

We’re the sketchy fellas reputable firm Lorna used last time to promote her book. What was it called? Oh yeah, How Was I Supposed to Know?

It was a memoir and memoirs, ‘cept for your politicians, celebrity do-nothins or serial killers don’t sell too good.

Yeah. They both got publishers to buy and market their books. Even more astonishing, they can read.

Yeah. They both got publishers to buy and market their books. Even more astonishing, they can read.

So don’t blame us if Lorna’s book didn’t even end up in the NY Times Obituary section.

Since we made a two-fer deal, we’re busy promotin’ her second book. It’s called Never Turn Back.

That's us at a marketin' conference. Some team buidlin'/outdoor he-man exercise. You know, the typical book marketin' conference stuff.

That’s us at a marketin’ conference. Some team buidlin’/outdoor he-man exercise. You know, the typical book marketin’ conference stuff.

Ain’t she lucky we had room in our schedule?

We got good news.

She gave away about 575 copies on that free promo she ran (against our advice, we might add). She insisted, saying “If even 100 people write reviews in turn for getting a free book, it will be worth it.”

So I guess our job is now to send out the muscle to strong-arm your free-downloaders into reading the book and writing reviews every place they can think of.

Good thing we got the boys from Ruff M. Up on retainer.

Good thing we got the boys from Ruff M. Up on retainer.

Lorna likes to make our job tough.

About 25 people so far have bought the e-book and a few have ordered the paperback version.

That makes over 600 possible reviews she could get.

So far she has six. Yup. 6.

Five of them are great.

One person really didn’t connect with the main character so that person gave the book a low rating. I suppose the author of “Gone Girl” or the person who wrote the biography of Jeffrey Dahmer had the same problem.

I give "Silence of the Lambs" 2 stars. I just couldn't connect with the Hannibal. He's so mean and makes all the wrong choices.

I give “Silence of the Lambs” 2 stars. I just couldn’t connect with Hannibal. He’s so mean and makes all the wrong choices.

Back to the good reviews. Let’s hear what people are saying about Never Turn Back.

“An impressive life story, a loving tribute to a strong woman and a masterful illustration of life’s many obstacles on a war torn continent. Woven into the narrative are great details about the historical setting and the times. The book covers a lot of ground, geographically and historically, and focuses on many different aspects of Meri’s life as she grows as a person and as her life and priorities change: Her ambitions, her ideas, old and new emotional scars. The book is a moving and enlightening journey. Meri is a fascinating character and her story demonstrates the element of chance and faith excellently. She stayed with me long after I had finished reading this remarkable book.” 5 stars, Christoph Fischer

“The story is based on the life of the author’s grandmother, and the book weaves fact and fiction seamlessly together to create an engaging and wholly believable story. It’s one of those books where you find yourself quickly immersed in the story and then feel a sense of loss at the end that you will no longer be part of their lives. We might not agree with some of Meri’s choices, but we can totally understand why she makes them, and we’re rooting for her all the way through. I think this book would be excellent dramatised for TV, I could totally see this as a BBC production, maybe split over 12 episodes; that’s the type of feel it has to it.” 5 stars, Vanessa-Jane Chapman

“I like stories about women in WWII. It’s a different, fresh perspective on the whole thing. But this story goes beyond WWII and follows the adult life of a Finnish woman who eventually comes to the US, like many of our relatives did. I like that this follows a real person and the things that happened to her in her attempt to make a better life for herself and her family. The book is well written, with very real characters with real flaws and real struggles. And I don’t want to give too much away, but I like that things work out in the end. There were so many thing that Meri endured for her not to get something to work out for her!” 4 stars, Christine Craven

Also, Lorna’s been interviewed on three blogs so far,

Just Olga, a fine blogger and writer who’s knee-deep in that November write-a-novel-in-a-month thingy, Nanomombocombo, or somethin’ like that.

Kev’s Blog, a guy who loves to read, write, and meet new authors by interviewing them. Pertty slick way to meet gals, we figure.

Vanessa Jane Chapman’s Blog. She’s just one of the sweetest, most generous and funniest gals Down Under. Down Under what? I’m not so sure, but if it’s a tractor, we’re in love. She’s givin’ away an Amazon gift card for anyone willin’ to play a game with her and Lorna. Sound interestin’? It’s not too late! You still have til MONDAY, 11/17 to play.

So, Lorna and her new book are gettin’ exposure. Hey, that’s what we’re paid for.

This ain't the exposure we had in mind, but any exposure is good exposure in our book!

This ain’t the kind of exposure we were thinkin’, but any exposure is good exposure in our book!

Just so you know, we ain’t too up on modern type techo-geeky stuff like modems and smarty-pants phones.

So if you could twit this post around or do whatever you social media types do, we’d be much obliged.

Just don’t tell Lorna. She thinks ’cause we look all sophistimacated, that we know how to do all this computer crap.

She’s easy to fool. Don’t tell her we said that either.

I'm licensed to use this stuff and I won't hesitate to use plenty of it to keep you quiet...and fix just about anything that needs fixin'.

I’m licensed to use this stuff and I won’t hesitate to use plenty of it to keep you quiet…and fix just about anything that needs fixin’.

If there’s any more important-like news on Lorna’s book, or if you need a reliable unique freakoid marketing firm, you can count on us.

Just so you know, “Cheap” is our middle name.

Actually, “N.” is our middle name, but let’s not get hung up on techicaltalities.

Until next time…we’re off to market a product for new parents.

The Wall Huggie.

The Wall Huggie.

What do you thing the “N.” stands for?

 

Illegal Wedding Photos

•November 10, 2014 • 50 Comments
And she's a writer with a Ph.D., you say? You'd think she could be a little more clear.

And she’s a writer with a Ph.D., you say? You’d think she could be a little more clear.

The title of this post may sound confusing.

The photos are perfectly legal.

We paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of our illegal wedding.

Does that clear things up for you?

No?

Phil and I couldn’t legally get married because of a clause in my divorce settlement that prohibits me from marrying until I’m 67, which is about 10 years away.

Get my best sweatsuit outfit and a justice of the peace. It's my 67th birthday and I'm having a wedding cake tonight!

Get my best sweat suit outfit and a justice of the peace. It’s my 67th birthday and I’m having a wedding cake tonight!

So, true lovers that we are, we decided to get illegally hitched at something we called a “commitment ceremony” way back in September.

With the big move across country and the new book coming out, I kind of forgot to show you the pictures.

Sorry.

Well, here they are.

Before the event began, we thought we'd sit and look pretty for the camera.

Before the event began, we thought we’d sit and look pretty for the camera.

The scenic backdrop for out illegal shindig.

The scenic backdrop for out illegal shindig.

Taken after we said our illicit vows. I think I'm going to nickname Phil "The Big Dipper."

Taken after we said our illicit vows. I think I’m going to nickname Phil “The Big Dipper.”

Love was definitely in the air. Illegal or not!

Love was definitely in the air. Illegal or not!

Dancing with my guy...

Dancing with my guy…

Dancing with my younger sister...

Dancing with my younger sister…I’m the Devil in the Blue Dress.

Me with my mom and sisters

Me with my mom and sisters

Me with Alex, the child who made it through my bumbling parenting.

Me with Alex, the child who made it through my bumbling parenting.

The song we selected as "Our Song" was by Jim Croce: "Time in a Bottle."

The song we selected as “Our Song” was by Jim Croce: “Time in a Bottle.”

My mom, bless her heart, bought this votive candle holder for me a couple of years ago, thinking about how happy I am to be with the man of my dreams.

My mom, bless her heart, bought this votive candle holder for me a couple of years ago, thinking about how happy I am to be with the man of my dreams.

Remember, we’re both technically single still and up for grabs.

 

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,017 other followers

%d bloggers like this: