Do you see the invisible fences, too?
We’ve established I’m psychic.
I just want to be sure I don’t have a case of hallucinationism as well.
(Just so you know, I took this picture.)
I’d like to think that people to come my blog to get their dose of my unique sense of humor and style.
I’d also like to think that my blog is a wholesome, down-to-earth, safe sanctuary of good, clean fun.
Gosh, darn, it, reality suggests otherwise.
Well, at least the stats on the internet searches that brought viewers to my blog in the last several months suggest otherwise.
Here are just of few of the search
phrases terms ridicuwords strung together that people out there in Ether Land are actually typing in and somehow finding me.
“full body cast”–They probably are not searching for the cast members of a reality show called “Full Body” even though there’s probably a show out there scheduled for Sweeps Week.
“women in quicksand”–Men, I’m sure there are easier ways to get rid of her body.
“buzz cut women”–Men, see above.
“man fairy”–Who would be searching for a man fairy and when did I ever talk about man fairies? What are man fairies?
“saying I’m sorry in blood”–I’m the first to admit that I have chronic, even terminal, apologitis, but I never used blood to write an “I’m sorry” letter. I prefer a nice #2 pencil.
“dog with gun”–Whoa, Nelly! I agree that all dogs should be licensed, but not for firearms. That’s just wrong.
“fleshy girl”–Hey, I’m glad you’re looking for a woman with a bit of heft, but I’m not her.
“woman lifts man stories”–See above.
“Can donkeys fly?”–You actually typed this question into a search engine?
“manure man”–Kind of sounds like a Super Hero, huh? His power is repelling people.
“blonde with sexy leg”–Just one leg?
“What do you get a dancer?”–The other leg? Music?
“Mother Theresa was a psychopath”–What the fluffernutter? I sense a little transference going on (that’s when you attribute your feelings, beliefs, or screwiness onto someone else, right?).
“sexy woman walking dog”–Well, if my shoe fits…
“sexy blonde college teacher”–Again, guilty as charged.
“old woman with braces”–Now, that’s just mean.
“Lorna’s April porno film”–I never, repeat, never made a porno film in April! I was very busy with other projects in April.
“ex-psychopath sending me telepathic messages”–First, are you concerned or bragging? Second, are you sure about the “ex” part? Third, are your sure about the “telepathic” part? Fourth, how could you possibly think anyone on the Internet could help you?
“old man rubbing his nipples”–This is so situation-dependent, it’s hard for me to know how to respond. Ick? Call 911? Ick and call 911?
“bimbo hot pants”–I have better fashion sense than that. Hot pants went out of vogue in the 1970s. Sheesh!
So, you see, all kinds of creepy-web-crawlers are finding my innocent, silly little blog.
I’m beginning to think that I’m getting a sullied reputation in the blog-o-sphere.
What do you think? Am I getting into too much mischief?
You remember us, right?
sketchy fellas reputable firm Lorna used last time to promote her book. What was it called? Oh yeah, How Was I Supposed to Know?
It was a memoir and memoirs, ‘cept for your politicians, celebrity do-nothins or serial killers don’t sell too good.
So don’t blame us if Lorna’s book didn’t even end up in the NY Times Obituary section.
Since we made a two-fer deal, we’re busy promotin’ her second book. It’s called Never Turn Back.
Ain’t she lucky we had room in our schedule?
We got good news.
She gave away about 575 copies on that free promo she ran (against our advice, we might add). She insisted, saying “If even 100 people write reviews in turn for getting a free book, it will be worth it.”
So I guess our job is now to send out the muscle to strong-arm your free-downloaders into reading the book and writing reviews every place they can think of.
Lorna likes to make our job tough.
About 25 people so far have bought the e-book and a few have ordered the paperback version.
That makes over 600 possible reviews she could get.
So far she has six. Yup. 6.
Five of them are great.
One person really didn’t connect with the main character so that person gave the book a low rating. I suppose the author of “Gone Girl” or the person who wrote the biography of Jeffrey Dahmer had the same problem.
Back to the good reviews. Let’s hear what people are saying about Never Turn Back.
“An impressive life story, a loving tribute to a strong woman and a masterful illustration of life’s many obstacles on a war torn continent. Woven into the narrative are great details about the historical setting and the times. The book covers a lot of ground, geographically and historically, and focuses on many different aspects of Meri’s life as she grows as a person and as her life and priorities change: Her ambitions, her ideas, old and new emotional scars. The book is a moving and enlightening journey. Meri is a fascinating character and her story demonstrates the element of chance and faith excellently. She stayed with me long after I had finished reading this remarkable book.” 5 stars, Christoph Fischer
“The story is based on the life of the author’s grandmother, and the book weaves fact and fiction seamlessly together to create an engaging and wholly believable story. It’s one of those books where you find yourself quickly immersed in the story and then feel a sense of loss at the end that you will no longer be part of their lives. We might not agree with some of Meri’s choices, but we can totally understand why she makes them, and we’re rooting for her all the way through. I think this book would be excellent dramatised for TV, I could totally see this as a BBC production, maybe split over 12 episodes; that’s the type of feel it has to it.” 5 stars, Vanessa-Jane Chapman
“I like stories about women in WWII. It’s a different, fresh perspective on the whole thing. But this story goes beyond WWII and follows the adult life of a Finnish woman who eventually comes to the US, like many of our relatives did. I like that this follows a real person and the things that happened to her in her attempt to make a better life for herself and her family. The book is well written, with very real characters with real flaws and real struggles. And I don’t want to give too much away, but I like that things work out in the end. There were so many thing that Meri endured for her not to get something to work out for her!” 4 stars, Christine Craven
Also, Lorna’s been interviewed on three blogs so far,
Just Olga, a fine blogger and writer who’s knee-deep in that November write-a-novel-in-a-month thingy, Nanomombocombo, or somethin’ like that.
Kev’s Blog, a guy who loves to read, write, and meet new authors by interviewing them. Pertty slick way to meet gals, we figure.
Vanessa Jane Chapman’s Blog. She’s just one of the sweetest, most generous and funniest gals Down Under. Down Under what? I’m not so sure, but if it’s a tractor, we’re in love. She’s givin’ away an Amazon gift card for anyone willin’ to play a game with her and Lorna. Sound interestin’? It’s not too late! You still have til MONDAY, 11/17 to play.
So, Lorna and her new book are gettin’ exposure. Hey, that’s what we’re paid for.
Just so you know, we ain’t too up on modern type techo-geeky stuff like modems and smarty-pants phones.
So if you could twit this post around or do whatever you social media types do, we’d be much obliged.
Just don’t tell Lorna. She thinks ’cause we look all sophistimacated, that we know how to do all this computer crap.
She’s easy to fool. Don’t tell her we said that either.
If there’s any more important-like news on Lorna’s book, or if you need a
reliable unique freakoid marketing firm, you can count on us.
Just so you know, “Cheap” is our middle name.
Actually, “N.” is our middle name, but let’s not get hung up on techicaltalities.
Until next time…we’re off to market a product for new parents.
What do you thing the “N.” stands for?
The title of this post may sound confusing.
The photos are perfectly legal.
We paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of our illegal wedding.
Does that clear things up for you?
Phil and I couldn’t legally get married because of a clause in my divorce settlement that prohibits me from marrying until I’m 67, which is about 10 years away.
So, true lovers that we are, we decided to get illegally hitched at something we called a “commitment ceremony” way back in September.
With the big move across country and the new book coming out, I kind of forgot to show you the pictures.
Well, here they are.
Remember, we’re both technically single still and up for grabs.