Every so often my new local paper runs “briefs” about
suspicious odd whacky significant newsy events that happened locally.
To local people.
I keep thinking, “These are my new neighbors.”
I continue thinking, “Wow, these people are WAY more interesting than anyone I left back in New York State.”
Let me introduce you to just a few of my newsy neighbors.
A middle-aged (58–yes, that counts as middle-aged when you’re 57) man taking an early morning run at Bush’s Pasture Park in Salem, Oregon was suddenly struck twice in the head.
At first, he told the police, he thought he was being mugged. But no one mugged him. In fact, he was alone.
Next, he decided he was struck by lighting. Twice. Bull hooey on a stick! That only happens to me! The police officer assured him that no storms were reported in the area.
Then, he thought he was having a stroke. But all systems were operating properly.
Finally, he remembered he saw a large winged creature fly off to his left. He decided a giant bat dive-bombed him. Authorities assured him that a giant bat attack was unlikely, although Great Horned Owls are known to nest in the area and are also known to be very protective of their nests. So People, whoo is the real victim here?
A middle-aged (57–I know, I thought I was moving to a place where young people go by the droves) woman’s purse was snatched as she was walking to her car after doing some grocery shopping.
I know, I thought this area attracted only nice people.
Anyway, this woman wasn’t about to let these two hooligans get away with her purse. She chased the two lads to their junky car.
I know, apparently, people are very fit around here and don’t all drive new hybrids.
By the time she reached the car, they were inside with the doors locked and started backing out of the parking spot.
The woman threw herself onto the hood of the car in what only could be described as a Melissa McCarthy move and hung onto the windshield wipers while the robbers drove the car in a “herky-jerky” manner trying to shake her off their car.
No deal. She hung on.
I know, you have to be very careful while driving in parking lots around here.
Finally, one of the hoods threw her purse out, keeping the wallet.
When she saw her purse fly out the window, she let go and flew off the hood.
The police asked her why she risked being injured and she replied, “I have pictures of my grandchildren in my purse and I wasn’t about to let those thieves have them.”
I know, my young age and already a grandmother!
As for the wallet, she remarked, “I don’t care about that, there wasn’t any money or credit cards in it. I’m not stupid.”
I know, I have to rethink the whole wallet thing…
For the Love of Music, Freedom, and, well, More Freedom
A young man (finally) is suing one of the cities around here. There are so many, it’s hard to keep track.
He’s a musician. Plays the violin.
So far so good, right? This is an area that supports the arts. Great!
Well, he was arrested about a year ago for playing the violin naked in front of one of the city halls.
He said, “I was making a statement about individual liberty and freedom of expression.”
The police saw things
that they didn’t want to see differently. I guess even here there are laws against showing certain pee-pee parts.
So he got arrested for public indecency, although I’m sure his music was tasteful.
But that’s not why he is suing the City of Definite Limits.
He claims that the police officers who arrested him were “gorillas who were unnecessarily rough, especially with his wrists,” which, of course, are necessary to his livelihood.
Unless he has a career in nude protesting, which isn’t starting off so great.