Hey, Man, Give Peace a Chance

•May 21, 2015 • 18 Comments
When I crack the whip, no one get hurts, except the people who don't like puns.

What? No one got hurt, except the people who don’t like puns.

It’s time to whip(pet) up another flash fiction story, compliments of Rochelle and her merry band of Friday Fictioneers.

Unlike my other posts in response to her challenge, I’m not going to embellish this one with my usual zany Lorna shenaniganigans.

Well.

Wait a little minute. This is my 550th blog post.

Shyeah. 550 blog posts and I still look this smokin' hot in a red dress. How do I do it? I don't even know the secret to my mediocrity, but I'll come with an answer if you give me enough time. Check back for my 1,000th blog.

Shyeah. 550 blog posts and I still look this smokin’ hot in a red dress. How do I do it? I don’t even know the secret to my mediocrity, but I’ll come up with an answer if you give me enough time. Check back for my 1,000th blog post. It’ll be a doozy.

Doesn’t this auspicious occasion deserve a little of the old dizzy blondifciation you’ve all come to know and love?

Sure it does.

Here’s a little something for you, then I’ll get down to business…

Good to know. I bet menopause complaints are way down among both women and men between the ages of 90 and 100. And zero complaints of insomnia (or anything else) from the new admissions to the morgue. Finally, so good news in the health field.

Good to know. I bet menopause complaints are way down among both women and men between the ages of 90 and 100. And zero complaints of insomnia (or anything else) from the new admissions to the morgue. Finally, some good news in the health field.

 

Well, good. That’s out of my system.

Today’s flash fiction photo prompt comes to us from Santoshwriter. Thanks so much!

santoshwriter-1

 

The genre for this photo prompt is historical fiction. Alrighty then. Done this before. Can do this again. No dead bodies. Promise!

Give Peace a Chance

“How long do we have to sit out here?”

“As long as it takes.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the best I got. History’s happening, man, and I’m not missing it.”

“Miss what? We’ve been sitting in these shrubs all night waiting for them to do something…anything. Hell, my camera’s all wet from the freakin’ dew.”

“Stop complaining. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.”

“How do you know? They do weird crap all the time.”

“Nah, my pal knows their NYC doorman. He overheard them talking with their publicist. They’re doing this for peace, man.”

“Yeah, this’ll end the war.”

(99 words)

In case you haven’t guessed, the 1969 anniversary of John Lennon’s and Yoko Ono’s 10-day Bed-In at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal is coming up at the end of May. They orchestrated this event in protest of the Vietnam War. During that event, they and some other peace radicals sang their peace anthem, “Give Peace a Chance.” Recordings were made and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation conducted interviews in the hotel room. Reviews were mixed. I’m sure many fans sat outside and waited to get photos and glimpses of the former Beatle (and the woman who broke up the Fab Four–just kidding–not really). I’m sure a few of them also got wet in the process.

Well, it's more comfortable than a sit-in...

Well, it’s more comfortable than a sit-in…for them at least.

Exaggerations, They’re the Worst!

•May 19, 2015 • 29 Comments
My hair is not the worst thing ever. It's the best thing ever. Really. I paid good money for this style. It better be the best thing ever or I'm going to feel like the worst thing ever.

My hair is not the worst thing ever. It’s the best thing ever. I paid good money for this style. It better be the best thing ever or I’m going to feel like the worst person ever. It does hurt like the worst headache ever.

You hear them all of the time.

Everyone says them.

And it’s just the worst thing…ever!

Do you find the above statements, oh, I don’t know, hyperbolic? Histrionic? Schmaltzy?

As I listen to normal conversations, I notice that people have a tendency to overstate their cases.

Yes, they exaggerate (and by “they,” I mean “you and very rarely if ever, me”).

Perhaps an example will help clarify my point.

“The worst thing…ever”

This phrase has been used to describe or qualify any number of circumstances or annoyances you might encounter.

See if you have used this combination of words in this order to describe any of the following situations:

*When you get a paper cut

*When you lose a document on your computer

*Sitting in rush hour traffic even if it isn’t rush hour

*Having all the traffic lights turn red as you approach them in your car

*Burning the top of your mouth, lips, or tongue on the specialty coffee you just paid too much for

*Having to hold in a fart because you’re on your first date

*Someone taking “your” parking spot

*Slow internet speed

*When you lose reception with your digital TV/Internet provider

*You open the dishwasher to put in a dirty dish and it’s full of clean dishes

Okay, you get the picture.

Are these things really the worst things that could possibly happen to you or anyone else?

Think about it.

Yes, they are each annoying in their own way. Stress of any kind causes discomfort and bad mojo.

But, get a grip, People. Take a breath and check your reality meter.

Take a breath before getting into the "Test Your Gut Instinctalor 2." The first version of this contraption had a few glitches, but the families of the victims have all been compensated.

Take a breath before getting into the “Test Your Gut Instinctalor 2.” The first version of this contraption had a few glitches, but the families of the victims have all been compensated.

Let’s revisit that list and call it something different…

“The could be a lot worse thing”

*When you get a paper cut…is much better than getting a machete cut

*When you lose a document on your computer…is much better than losing a document on your typewriter (which takes effort, People)

*Sitting in rush hour traffic even if it isn’t rush hour…is much better than sitting a hospital waiting room for any reason

*Having all the traffic lights turn red as you approach them in your car…is much better than having them turn red as you are walking towards them

*Burning the top of your mouth, lips, or tongue on the specialty coffee you just paid too much for…is much better than being so poor that you have to drink regular coffee

*Having to hold in a fart because you’re on your first date…is much better than holding in a fart because you’re in Divorce Court

*Someone taking “your” parking spot…is much better than someone taking your car

*Slow internet speed…is much better than slow brain speed

*When you lose reception with your digital TV/Internet provider…is much better than when you lose reception in your hands or sensory organs

*You open the dishwasher to put in a dirty dish and it’s full of clean dishes…is much better than you look in the mirror to find your dishwasher

Got the picture?

So, remember to avoid exaggerations.

Start by noticing them.

I do believe you may have exaggerated your case when you said that the tea was the finest you had ever tasted. Come. Come. I used a Lipton tea bag from the 1980s.

I do believe you may have exaggerated your case when you said that the tea I served was the finest you had ever tasted. Come. Come. I used a Lipton tea bag from the 1980s.

It’s a rare behavior that everyone does.

It’s a rare word or phrase that everyone says.

It’s a rare fact that everyone knows.

It’s a rare thought that everyone thinks.

And not even I can’t say what is the best, worst, most beautiful, most evil, etc. person, place, thing, idea ever created. These notions are subjective and ever-changing, no matter how much some may wish to believe they are objective and fixed.

Oh, well if he says it's a fact, it must be true.

Oh, well if he says it’s a fact, it must be true. I wouldn’t exaggerate around him if I were you!

Do you exaggerate? Do tell!

I’m Old Enough To Be Wise, So Listen Up

•May 15, 2015 • 41 Comments
Come on, People! I expected a bit more enthusiasm than that. How about some booze? Silly hats? Cranking up the voltage on your pace-makers? Something.

There are a bunch of us Senioggers out there. We may be long-timers, but we’re still kickin’ as long as we’re sittin’!

Most of you know that I’m in my twilight blogger years, having just entered my (gulp) fifth year of blogging.

That makes me:

1. older

2. way behind on important things I should have doing these past four years

3. extremely comfortable sharing the intimate details of my personal life and bodily functions with people I don’t really know

4. wiser (which seems kind of counterintuitive given #2 and #3, but hey, what the heck)

5. older

With all this blogging under my fingertips, you’d think I’d know exactly how to blog like a champ.

You’d be wrong.

Good thing I’m wise enough to read an article about how to blog effectively while my eyesight is still in tact.

Just using the most accurate equipment to make sure all systems are operating at peak performance for my age.

Just using the most up-to-date, accurate equipment to make sure all systems are operating at peak performance for my age.

I’m also wise enough not to repeat everything in that article, which would be cheating and way too easy.

No, I’ll “summarize” it for you, giving you examples of what not to do so you can learn by the very effective teaching technique of negative reinforcement (only without the shock treatments. You’re totally welcome.

Look! Now you can have this totally safe treatment in the comfort of your home!

Look! Now you can have this totally safe treatment in the comfort of your home! And no wonder most of us are living past 40. Mystery solved.

A Blog That’s Double Bomb Hoopy (Really Good)…

1. …Has Personality. That means you have to put you, yourself, and, um, uh, you in each post.

Readers don’t want just to read quotes or stuff from other people. They can get that on Facebook or Pinterest or whatever.

Authenticity. Voice. Put your real deal stuff out there, People. (Don’t take that last sentence out of context. I’m not a perv.)

2. …Uses an Intelligible Lexicon. Ha! Gottcha! That means you should use simple language.

What’s the fun in that? I say creatify as many wordicatures as possible.

But that’s me and my blog has only been Freshly Pressed once–my very first post. Go figure. I thought WordPress welcomed all new bloggers with that nice, generous “Hey, Everyone! Look who’s come to join us! Let’s make her feel welcomed.” I sure felt welcomed. Not so much since then…

Speaking as one of the WordPress OverLords, I don't know why this Lorna person continues to mewl about being Freshly Pressed only once. Who does she think she is anyway? Someone special? Piffle!

Speaking as one of the WordPress OverLords, I don’t know why this Lorna person continues to mewl about being Freshly Pressed only once. Who does she think she is anyway? Someone special? Piffle!

Anyway. The article says don’t try to pique impress your readers with $10 words when $1 words will suffice do.

3. ….Keeps Content Simple and Visually Appealing.  Lists are good.

No long paragraphs.

Maybe you should write in complete sentences.

Maybe not.

Pictures should relate to content…if possible.

It's not always possible.

It’s not always possible.

4. …Has Focus. I suppose you should stick to one topic and not veer off on tangents.

Sometimes tangents are fun. Don’t you think tangents can be fun?

Um, er, I don't remember that kind of tangent being very fun...

Um, er, I don’t remember that kind of tangent being very fun…

Who wants to be an old stick in the cement and stay on topic? I did enough of that in my college essays. Sheesh! What happened to joy?

Oh. Yes. We want your blog to be effective. Okay. Focus. Got it?

5. …Is Edited as if You Truly Care. Don’t write just the first draft and hit “Publish.” I know it’s tempting and satisfying, but it’s also embarrassing.

People might think you were drunk (or hungover or high or sleep-deprived) when you wrote your post. If you want people to think that, well, okay. But most of us are trying to project that not-altered-state image. Editing helps us do that.

Sure. I'l take you home, Blondie. How 'bout a lill kiss for my troubles?

Not totally, but it helps.

Readers see lots of typos and think that you’re sloppy or have a brain injury. I know it’s not fair, but I they do. So check your work…a lot.

You never know when some publisher, agent or online magazine scout will stumble across your blog. You don’t wnat them to readd ths.

6. …Have Lists of 5 items. They are perfect. (I added that one.)

*****

There you go.

Your blogs should attract a whole bunch of attention if you follow the above advice.

If not, I’d say your content could use a tweak and you should pay more attention to reading and responding to other people’s’ blogs. Being an active member of the blogging community gets you noticed.

That article failed to mention anything about meaningful content or seriously engaging in the blogging community.

I think those two elements of blogging are pretty darned important, don’t you?

Take your time. Relax. Think about your answer. I'm in no rush...yet.

Take your time. Relax. Think about your answer. I’m in no rush…yet.

As a wise blogger, I know that you are wise, too. What blogging wisdom would you like to share?

 

Holy Cow!

•May 13, 2015 • 76 Comments
Thank goodness they didn't use nails, because I'd hate to have to use this method to make sure everything was good and tight.

I know you’re probably running out of things to do while you’ve been waiting for me to get back in the swing of things around here.

Did you miss me?

I missed you.

Seeing my family and friends back East was great. Hugging them was even better.

But being back there felt strange. I was visiting a place that I used to call “home” for most of my life, which is a looooong time.

Speaking of long time, I got a special notice from the WordPress Overlords telling me that I’m a  4-year-old blogger.

Holy Cow! That’s 28 dog years and at least 40 blog years, right?

Marge, you said Lorna's Voice was a good blog to follow. You know I'm new to computers and this blogging stuff. And look what this Lorna fellow has me doing. I've got to go to this other place to read about something I thought I came here to read about. This is more confusing that picking a Medicare supplement plan. I think I'm going to stick with Facebook.

They’ve got this new fangled way of writing posts now. Supposed to be easier, but I just don’t see it. Beep, beep, boop, my sagging fanny! Are they trying to force us oldersters out?

Should I be thinking of blogtirement?

Where did the time go?

This is me when I started…

Yes, I was four years old in this photo and quite clueless--as clueless as when I began blogging.

Yes, I was four years old in this photo and blissfully clueless–as clueless as when I began optimistically blogging to make this book and me famous.

This is me now, a mere four years later…

Disheveled but remaining optimistic. I'm also buckled in because I'm wiser and know the ride is rougher than I ever imagined. But am I going to let that stop me? Naw!

Not famous, disheveled but remaining optimistic. I’m also buckled in because I’m wiser about book writing and publishing because I know the ride is rougher than I ever imagined back in the day. But am I going to let that stop me? Naw! Well…

What have I learned?

1. Blogging ages you, like, A LOT.

2. My first post got Freshly Pressed and I haven’t been Freshly Pressed since, so (like life) blogging is full of surprises and sets you up for disappointment in the fame department.

3. Blogging ages you, like, A LOT.

Aw, heck. Since I keep meeting so many great people in this bloggity blog blog world, I’ll hang in for a few more years.

Until I morph into this…

Of course this is unrealistic. My hair will never be this thick and long.

Of course this is unrealistic. My hair will never be this thick and long. I’d say 2 more blog years, tops.

Until then, I’m up for another submission for Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers.

I’m bound and determined not to let anyone die in this story.

I hope I left my macabre muse back in NYC where s/he will blend in just fine.

If you can't read the fine print, it says: 73% of people killed in Manhattan crashes were pedestrians.

If you can’t read the fine print, it says: 73% of people killed in Manhattan crashes were pedestrians. Nice uplifting poster, huh? I was walking by it when I saw it…

This week’s photograph is courtesy of Marie Gail Stratford.

silo-has-come

The genre this week is realistic fiction. I can do this and not kill anyone. I know I can…

Holy Cow

Sneaking under the barbed wire fence was only the beginning of her adventure. He dared her to touch the side of the silo and return.

As she turned to run back, a herd of curious cows appeared.

She stopped.

They stopped.

She moved.

They moved.

She sprinted.

One cow—one hostile and swift bovine—charged her.

She heard dull thundering hooves catching up to her.

Reaching the fence, she dove to safety between the wires he held open.

“Holy cow!” she said, inspecting her cuts.

“Nasty freaks! Probably those power lines affected their brains,” he said with a grin.

(99 words)

Lest you think this is unrealistic, I grew up across from a dairy farm and did my fair share of roaming in the cow pasture. I got chased enough times by one particular ornery cow (not a bull–I know the difference) that I gave up my cow pasture adventures. Climbing through barbed wire fences is not easy or comfortable–especially when you’re in a hurry!

As for the effect of high power lines on our bodies and states of mind, well, there’s evidence.

 *****

Until next week…

I really need to do something about my writer's block, so I'm going to try out this new gizmo I saw in the  Delta Sky Magazine. It looks very effective, don't you think?

I really need to do something about my writer’s block, so I’m going to try this new gizmo I saw in the Delta Sky Magazine. It looks very effective, don’t you think?

It’s Never too Early to Start Your Holiday Shopping

•May 1, 2015 • 32 Comments
I have how many gifts to wrap by when?

I have how many gifts to wrap by when?

Let’s face it, People, time is a’wasting.

There are only a little over 200 days until that time right after Halloween and before Thanksgiving when all the holiday music and commercials start playing.

You know what I’m talking about, right? You can feel your heart racing just thinking about it, right?

Well, calm down. I’ve got you covered.

When you see some of the gizmos I’m about to show you, you’re going to thank me.

But don’t waste too much time heaping gratitude at my feet. You’ll need all the time you can spare to hunt down these Must-Haves for the favorite people on your lists.

I’ve found something for everyone.

I know. I’m flipping amazing.

Pay close attention. These deals won’t last long.

Actually they didn’t last long.

The Dimple Maker

For the person on your list who needs that extra cuteness factor

For the person on your list who needs that extra cuteness factor.

The Hound Holder

Rover will never rove again once you've got him your grips with the Hound Holder. Works best on dogs who aren't ticklish or aren't apt to run away.

Rover will never rove again once you’ve got him in your grips with the Hound Holder. Works best on dogs who aren’t ticklish or aren’t apt to run away.

The Egg Cuber

And you thought your kitchen was complete. Think again. Why have a plain hard boiled egg that looks like an egg when you can have a hard boiled egg that looks like a white box? Think of what you've been missing all these years? These egg cubes are stackable! Think of the possibilities!

And you thought your kitchen was complete. Think again. Why have a plain eggish hard boiled egg  when you can have a boxy hard boiled egg? Think of what you’ve been missing all these years. These egg cubes are stackable! Think of the possibilities (if you can get them to stop sliding around and feeling so slimy)!

The Family Entertainment-On-The-Go-Center

Need to spend more quality time with the family AND get more exercise? Here is the solution! And if you rip your pants or a hem comes loose, Mom can fix your garments on the go!

Need to spend more quality time with the family AND get more exercise? Here is the solution! And if you rip your pants or a hem comes loose, Mom can fix your garments on the go!

Foot Bikes

Quality, active family time not your thing? No problem! Strap on these foot bikes and stride, glide, or slip-slide your way to oblivion. These are totally safe and make you appear quite sophisticated. Really.

Quality, active family time not your thing? No problem! Strap on these foot bikes and stride, glide, or slip-slide your way to oblivion. These are totally safe and make you appear quite sophisticated. Really.

Gum Finger

Hey, Baby Boomers with periodontal disease or meth heads, you need to be kind to your gums. This gizmo is the ticket. It's not weird, or gross, and should only be used in the mouth. Got it?

Hey, Baby Boomers with periodontal disease or meth heads, you need to be kind to your gums. This gizmo is the ticket. It’s not weird, or gross, and should only be used in the mouth. Got it? This cartoon doctor knows what he’s talking about.

Hair Growth Hat

Anyone with thinning or vanished hair needs this product. Just look at it. You can't tell if the guy is bald or not. So just wearing the Hair Growth Hat gives you an edge. Totally worth the money.

Anyone with thinning or vanished hair needs this product. Just look at it. You can’t tell if the guy is bald or not. And he seems so…serene. So just wearing the Hair Growth Hat gives you an edge. Totally worth the money.

Motorized Roller Skates

For the Devil-May-Care persons on your gift list (or the ones you don't want on your gift list next year),  consider these contraptions. Thrill seekers should get a kick out of strapping a tank full of leaded gas on their backs to power their roller skates as they whisk themselves onto the highway. Film at 11:00.

For the Devil-May-Care persons on your gift list (or the ones you don’t want on your gift list next year), consider this contraption. Thrill seekers should get a kick out of strapping a tank full of leaded gas on their backs to power their roller skates as they whisk themselves onto the highway. Film at 11:00.

Poker Face Mask

Any gamblers, robbers or serial killers on your gift list? Perfect!  This mask hides those pesky "tells" that gives a person away at the most inopportune times.

Any gamblers, robbers or serial killers on your gift list? Perfect! This mask hides those pesky “tells” that give a person away at the most inopportune times.

Solar Head Bath

This is a gift for anyone on your list who needs a bit of an attitude adjustment. Just tell them it's like spending a day at the beach, only they have to sit very still with their head enclosed in a metal case while solar (or some kind of) rays bombard their head until they are normal (feel rejuvenated). It must come with instructions, a script and that nice white insane person's gown.

This is a gift for anyone on your list who needs a bit of an attitude adjustment. Just tell them it’s like spending a day at the beach, only they have to sit very still with their head enclosed in a metal case while solar (or some other kind of) rays bombard their head until they are normal (feel rejuvenated). It must come with instructions, a script and that nice white insane person’s gown.

 

So there you go! Happy shopping!

I’ll be away from this bloggity blog blog world for a while because I’m headed back East to visit family.

I won’t be posting and I won’t be dropping by your blogs to visit either. Just didn’t  want you to worry. 

I’ll be back in a week or so…

Bye bye, but only for now. You won't even get a chance to miss me and, poof! I'll be back.

Bye bye, but only for now. You won’t even get a chance to miss me and, poof! I’ll be back.

 
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