Yes. Uh, huh. It's me, Newsy. I'm a little busy at the moment. Way behind my deadline. You know what that's like! Okay. So just give me the headline and I'll look into it. He did what? Again?

Yes. Uh, huh. It’s me, Newsy. I’m a little busy at the moment. Way behind my deadline. You know what that’s like. Okay. So just give me the headline and I’ll look into it. He did what? Again? Sheesh! I’ll have to start typing with all my fingers.

Have you had it with:

Fake News?

I knew all this talk about scarcity of organs and stuff was just a ploy to get me to sign away my body for who knows what after I die. I hope They wait until after I'm dead to start harvesting.

I knew all this panic about scarcity of organs and stuff was just a ploy to get me to sign away my body for who knows what after I die. I hope “They” wait until after I’m dead to start harvesting. By the way, that leg looks totally real to me, and the little marks around it make it look absolutely shimmy-ready. Amazing!

Real News?

Feb. 7 (UPI) -- A squirrel holding a piece of pizza and a crow engaged in a lengthy chase throughout a neighborhood in Canada. The squirrel can be seen enjoying its slice of pizza on a street in Nova Scotia, as the theiving crow swoops in to swipe the newfound snack out of its grasp. In hopes of defending its meal, the crafty squirrel attempted to hide behind the wheel of a nearby parked car to avoid the lurking crow's beak. Come on! Why can't we all just get along, People...and crows...and squirrels?

Feb. 7 (UPI) — A squirrel holding a piece of pizza and a crow engaged in a lengthy chase throughout a neighborhood in Canada. The squirrel can be seen enjoying its slice of pizza on a street in Nova Scotia, as the theiving crow hovers, waiting to snatch it away. Come on! Why can’t we all just get along, People…and crows…and squirrels?

Bad News?

The game lasts for four hours, and researchers from Cornell University tracked grocery purchases and found the average American will eat more than 6,000 calories by the end of the day. (You’d need to run a marathon to burn off all of those calories off — that’s 26.2 miles.)

The Super Bowl lasts an entire Sunday, right? Researchers from Cornell University tracked grocery purchases and found the average American will eat more than 6,000 calories by the end of the day. You’d need to run a marathon to burn off all of those calories off — that’s 26.2 miles. Did you run a marathon? And running the loop from the couch to the bathroom, the refrigerator, and back to the couch a bunch of times doesn’t really count.

Old News that won’t go away?

I remember the day: Oct. 16, 2016. She said she was retiring from public life. I'm pretty sure she didn't.

I remember the day: Oct. 16, 2016. She said she was retiring from public life. I’m pretty sure she didn’t.

Well, if you’re tired of all that falderal that passes as news, then you’ve landed your beleaguered cursor in the perfect spot.

I’ve been collecting some Portlandia news stories that will hopefully give your frowny/pouty/I-want-to-shouty wrinkles a break by turning them into What-the Shizzle-Sticks-are-those-People-in-Portlandia-Smokin-and-Can-I-Have-Some laugh wrinkles.

Call it whatever fancy-schmancy name you want. I know what "herb" works best for calming you down and helping you sleep.

Call it whatever fancy-schmancy name you want. A miracle herb sure is gaining popularity among aging adults around here. You should see the old-timers in the pot stores around here! Um. Er. I go in there to do my research for reporting purposes only. Once a month.

Ready?

Now I know why so many kids want to grow up to be astronauts. I'm sure Hawaii is just like Mars, minus the ukuleles, of course.

Now I know why so many kids want to grow up to be astronauts. I’m sure Hawaii is just like Mars, minus the ukuleles, of course.

 

I never when to Divinity School, but you'd think "Religious Preference" would be on the application form, right? Maybe there wasn't a "None" box to check.

I never went to Divinity School, but you’d think “Religious Preference” would be on the application form, right? Maybe there wasn’t a “None” box to check. And what’s that shadow, anyway? Could be my thumb or could be…(insert creepy music).

 

Let's make sure that your non-jocks, non-artsy, non-techie teens have a place to hang out after school. Don't worry. They will have supervision; it just may not be in human form.

Let’s make sure that your non-jock, non-artsy, non-techie children have a place to hang out after school. Don’t worry. They will have supervision; it just may not be in human form. They only provide Devil Dogs for snacks, so if your little darling has a gluten allergy, you may want to, I don’t know, introduce them to kiddie biker gang.

 

Empowering our children starts early around these parts. We don't test our wee ones; we let our children be the testers. Next week, they will be taste testers for Hostess.

Empowering our children starts early around these parts. We don’t test our wee ones; we let our children be the testers. Next week, they will be taste testers for Hostess.

 

I'm not sure if this article was meant to help us embrace the driverless car technology, hide keys from our grand or great grandparents, or just scare the beegeebers out of us.

I’m not sure if this article was meant to help us embrace the driverless car technology, hide keys from our grand or great grandparents, or just scare the beegeebers out of us.

 

That's why I live here.

That’s why I live here.

 

That's why I live here. No. Wait. They aren't talking about the good weed. Never mind.

That’s why I live here. No. Wait. They aren’t talking about the good weed. Never mind.

 

Show off.

Show off.

 

I find the conclusions of this study limited. The fact that

I find the conclusions of this study limited. The fact that animals and reptiles fart is completely riveting to me, and I’m an adult (or my advanced age would suggest as much).

 

I’ll keep on the look-out for more Portlandia-type news.

Newsy McNewserson signing off for now.

I've got to get the story on this nice group of herbalists who claim to know how to fix all the world's problems. Exciting stuff, huh?

I’ve got to get the story on this nice group of herbalists who claim to know how to fix all the world’s problems. Exciting stuff, huh?

 

Any off-the-beaten-path news you’d like to share?