Newsy McNewserson is Back

Yes. Uh, huh. It's me, Newsy. I'm a little busy at the moment. Way behind my deadline. You know what that's like! Okay. So just give me the headline and I'll look into it. He did what? Again?

Yes. Uh, huh. It’s me, Newsy. I’m a little busy at the moment. Way behind my deadline. You know what that’s like. Okay. So just give me the headline and I’ll look into it. He did what? Again? Sheesh! I’ll have to start typing with all my fingers.

Have you had it with:

Fake News?

I knew all this talk about scarcity of organs and stuff was just a ploy to get me to sign away my body for who knows what after I die. I hope They wait until after I'm dead to start harvesting.

I knew all this panic about scarcity of organs and stuff was just a ploy to get me to sign away my body for who knows what after I die. I hope “They” wait until after I’m dead to start harvesting. By the way, that leg looks totally real to me, and the little marks around it make it look absolutely shimmy-ready. Amazing!

Real News?

Feb. 7 (UPI) -- A squirrel holding a piece of pizza and a crow engaged in a lengthy chase throughout a neighborhood in Canada. The squirrel can be seen enjoying its slice of pizza on a street in Nova Scotia, as the theiving crow swoops in to swipe the newfound snack out of its grasp. In hopes of defending its meal, the crafty squirrel attempted to hide behind the wheel of a nearby parked car to avoid the lurking crow's beak. Come on! Why can't we all just get along, People...and crows...and squirrels?

Feb. 7 (UPI) — A squirrel holding a piece of pizza and a crow engaged in a lengthy chase throughout a neighborhood in Canada. The squirrel can be seen enjoying its slice of pizza on a street in Nova Scotia, as the theiving crow hovers, waiting to snatch it away. Come on! Why can’t we all just get along, People…and crows…and squirrels?

Bad News?

The game lasts for four hours, and researchers from Cornell University tracked grocery purchases and found the average American will eat more than 6,000 calories by the end of the day. (You’d need to run a marathon to burn off all of those calories off — that’s 26.2 miles.)

The Super Bowl lasts an entire Sunday, right? Researchers from Cornell University tracked grocery purchases and found the average American will eat more than 6,000 calories by the end of the day. You’d need to run a marathon to burn off all of those calories off — that’s 26.2 miles. Did you run a marathon? And running the loop from the couch to the bathroom, the refrigerator, and back to the couch a bunch of times doesn’t really count.

Old News that won’t go away?

I remember the day: Oct. 16, 2016. She said she was retiring from public life. I'm pretty sure she didn't.

I remember the day: Oct. 16, 2016. She said she was retiring from public life. I’m pretty sure she didn’t.

Well, if you’re tired of all that falderal that passes as news, then you’ve landed your beleaguered cursor in the perfect spot.

I’ve been collecting some Portlandia news stories that will hopefully give your frowny/pouty/I-want-to-shouty wrinkles a break by turning them into What-the Shizzle-Sticks-are-those-People-in-Portlandia-Smokin-and-Can-I-Have-Some laugh wrinkles.

Call it whatever fancy-schmancy name you want. I know what "herb" works best for calming you down and helping you sleep.

Call it whatever fancy-schmancy name you want. A miracle herb sure is gaining popularity among aging adults around here. You should see the old-timers in the pot stores around here! Um. Er. I go in there to do my research for reporting purposes only. Once a month.

Ready?

Now I know why so many kids want to grow up to be astronauts. I'm sure Hawaii is just like Mars, minus the ukuleles, of course.

Now I know why so many kids want to grow up to be astronauts. I’m sure Hawaii is just like Mars, minus the ukuleles, of course.

 

I never when to Divinity School, but you'd think "Religious Preference" would be on the application form, right? Maybe there wasn't a "None" box to check.

I never went to Divinity School, but you’d think “Religious Preference” would be on the application form, right? Maybe there wasn’t a “None” box to check. And what’s that shadow, anyway? Could be my thumb or could be…(insert creepy music).

 

Let's make sure that your non-jocks, non-artsy, non-techie teens have a place to hang out after school. Don't worry. They will have supervision; it just may not be in human form.

Let’s make sure that your non-jock, non-artsy, non-techie children have a place to hang out after school. Don’t worry. They will have supervision; it just may not be in human form. They only provide Devil Dogs for snacks, so if your little darling has a gluten allergy, you may want to, I don’t know, introduce them to kiddie biker gang.

 

Empowering our children starts early around these parts. We don't test our wee ones; we let our children be the testers. Next week, they will be taste testers for Hostess.

Empowering our children starts early around these parts. We don’t test our wee ones; we let our children be the testers. Next week, they will be taste testers for Hostess.

 

I'm not sure if this article was meant to help us embrace the driverless car technology, hide keys from our grand or great grandparents, or just scare the beegeebers out of us.

I’m not sure if this article was meant to help us embrace the driverless car technology, hide keys from our grand or great grandparents, or just scare the beegeebers out of us.

 

That's why I live here.

That’s why I live here.

 

That's why I live here. No. Wait. They aren't talking about the good weed. Never mind.

That’s why I live here. No. Wait. They aren’t talking about the good weed. Never mind.

 

Show off.

Show off.

 

I find the conclusions of this study limited. The fact that

I find the conclusions of this study limited. The fact that animals and reptiles fart is completely riveting to me, and I’m an adult (or my advanced age would suggest as much).

 

I’ll keep on the look-out for more Portlandia-type news.

Newsy McNewserson signing off for now.

I've got to get the story on this nice group of herbalists who claim to know how to fix all the world's problems. Exciting stuff, huh?

I’ve got to get the story on this nice group of herbalists who claim to know how to fix all the world’s problems. Exciting stuff, huh?

 

Any off-the-beaten-path news you’d like to share?

~ by Lorna's Voice on February 8, 2017.

44 Responses to “Newsy McNewserson is Back”

  1. Don’t give her any ideas.

  2. Lol! Okay then – shall we talk about the weather? 😉

  3. Let’s not go there. Even I have lines I won’t cross on this blog!!

  4. Where do I come up with this stuff?

  5. She needs to take the advanced class. In that class, she will learn how to hide the dolls from you! 😉

  6. The headline that scared me most was on the same page as the severed leg. It read “Control Your Man With Voodoo.” All this time I thought those were gray-headed Ken dolls my wife was playing with. No wonder I’ve been slamming myself into walls and experiencing stabbing pains in my backside.

  7. hehe, “beleaguered cursor”. You’re great x

  8. Lol! Your farts probably smell nice – and that’s Fozzie’s problem! Lol!

  9. Ha! Actually, Fozzie is rather put off by my flatulations. The nerve! He sniffs some sketchy looking things on his walks, so I’m kind of insulted!

  10. My additional news item is that not only do animal farts interest the humans – human farts interest some animals. Well, dogs anyway. So eat your beans and keep everyone interested! Lol!

  11. 😉

  12. Story at 6:66 pm…

  13. Yup.

  14. Hope you like rain!

  15. Thanks for the reblog, Viv!

  16. I’ll do my best!

  17. There used to be more funny stories. The world has gotten too serious!

  18. I could tell by the lines at my local stores. Crazy!

  19. […] Check out her blog and debut novel.  Seyi has lovely philosophical messages that make me think. Lorna’s Voice always gives me a smile and a giggle. Andrea’s photos and lyrical words stir my soul at […]

  20. All seems like real news to me. However, the pizza loving squirrel is probably an alien. BTW: To grocery stores, purchases for the Super Bowl are only exceeded by Thanksgiving.

  21. I just love your news. You are indeed a reporter extraordinaire!

  22. Lorna, this is very funny, very clever, and I cam honestly say the only news I’ve read since I gave up reading newspapers several years ago… I think my blood pressure came down, ad my peace of mind went up.The only exception was the story about re-floating the hundreds of whales that stranded on our shores a few days ago… more of your sort of news, please …

  23. Reblogged this on Viv Drewa – The Owl Lady.

  24. Some fabulous ones indeed! I want to live there. Mind you, I’m thinking of moving so… Thanks for the laughs, Lorna!

  25. The lives of satirists/comedians/cartoonists have become a nightmare for this very reason.

  26. In a follow up story, although the Satanic Temple of Seattle was unsuccessful in setting up an after-school program in Mount Vernon, they have been invited to establish an Anti-Sunday school program on Wednesday nights at the West Hill United Church. Rev. Gretta Vosper will be their advisor.

  27. Please! They are getting harder to find (as the one about the Thanksgiving Super Woman suggests).

  28. Love you, too! ❤

  29. And I was distracted with the voodoo man control story. I wonder why neither of us picked up on the cannibal getting his own TV cooking show? That could totally happen. Not like the other ones didn’t…

  30. Thanks, Peter. But this zany stuff is getting harder to find these days. Reporters are much too busy with the real, unreal shenanigans of people pretending to be leaders. Oy vey!

  31. Leave it to people to make the news weird. I wish that’s as bad as the news got!

  32. And I appreciate how well you do that – with humor AND bite! xo

  33. I’m finding it harder to collect funny headlines because of just this kind of thing. The papers are full of horrible stuff that is mind-blowing and real. 😐

  34. I try! 🙂

  35. Thanks. Someone has to balance out all this falderal! 😐

  36. All the news that’s nit to fit. Or is it All the news that’s print(ed) is fit(ed) to the truth. I like the truth – the unfiltered, unabashedly peaceful REAL truth – and that’s no alternative statement.

    As always, you entertain us beautifully. 🙂

  37. Thank you for making it fun to read the news. 🙂

  38. Are you quite sure this is fake news? I mean, take the headlines we will get tomorrow: Mass Brawl in Parliament, Pepper Spray in Parliament Gallery, Riot Police Pandemonium and Stun Guns Fired on Parliament Threshold — and that ain’t fake,

  39. My two favorites – satanic elementary kids and flatulence research – gotta love people!

  40. I love this kind of crazy stuff. Mind you the real news seems more than crazy as it is so soon we won’t be able to understand the difference. Thanks for the smile, anyway, and it was well needed x

  41. You had me at “groom suffocates in stripper’s 72 DDs”……

  42. Your news is so much better than the real fake news. 😅

  43. Yes! Yes! Yes and YES!!! I don’t even want to turn on the TV, radio, or computer these days. Luv ya, Pethel ❤

  44. These are truly the best news stories I’ve seen in a while. I think I will start trolling for these kinds of news items and sell them to you for a nominal price!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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