My human finally left her laptop alone. She’s doing something human-ish in her sewing room. It involves steam and some cussing.

She peeks out every once in a while to get fresh air. Heck if I know what she’s making in there. I think she’s making herself a drippy dizzy blonde.
Anyway, if you other non-human family members are anything like me, you’re hungry lonely, right? We were meant to roam around, all wild-like, hunting, eating what we find, rolling in stinky stuff, and coming back home as disgusting as possible to sleep and eat some more. I know because sometimes I watch YouTube videos.
If that’s not wild, I don’t know what is.
Plus, we’re pack critters. Even you cats like to hang out with other cats…sometimes…when you’re in the mood. But most of us are just cooped up in our houses all day with our lame squeaky toys or valuable furniture to chew or scratch. Isolated. Waiting for something interesting to do.

The poodle part of me is smart and needs stimulation. The terrier part of me is curious and wants stimulation. This rug ain’t doin’ it for me, Mom.
Well, wait no more! I’ve been watching my human spend hours a day on her laptop. When she’s not walking me and telling me to deliver her a “nice poopie,” that woman is typing away. I bet sometimes she’s talking to real live virtual people.
We non-humans want some of that action. At least I do!
So I’m launching a new social network for non-humans (teenagers don’t count because they have more cyber connections than I have hairs on my chinny-chin-chin). I’m calling it “The Petting Zoo,” and it’s open to any non-human that:
- is lonely and wants to hook up with other non-humans on the Interwebs.
- has access to a computer.
- can set up a free account.
- can get their human away from the computer long enough to use the darned thing.
Birds have an advantage with their hunt-and-peck keyboarding skills.
Any of us with paws will have a harder time setting up our accounts and sending messages. If I could just pee on the screen and broadcast “Fozzie is online,” I would be a virtual star in dog-seconds. But until humanoids develop scent technology and bark/meow/whatever-noise-you-make-recognition programs for computers, I’m going to have to figure out a way to get my paws to do my talking. You are, too.
I’m sure your human has many adorable pictures of you, so you can post one so we can all see who we’re connecting with. Make sure it’s a recent photo and a real one. I don’t want to be thinking I’m getting cozy with a smooth-talking snickerdoodle only to find out the hard way that I’ve been telling my tails to a cheating Chihuahua. Or worse. A certain Kamikaze Kat.
What do you think? Will your humans help you set up your account on “The Petting Zoo” social network page? Here’s some of the features I have planned:
Scratch ‘n Sniff—Introduce yourself by sharing your identity and other sensitive information that could get you kidnapped. But that’s okay. You’re looking for some excitement in your life, and nothing spells excitement like your picture on posters all over the neighborhood with a nice reward.
Piddle-Rub-Roll—Invite others to become part of your petting zoo by leaving your irresistible “calling card.” Like “friending,” only stinkier.
Crotch Jab/Butt Rub—Remind your new online pals that you’re here and they need to get online and play. Like “poking,” only…no, it’s the same as poking.
Treats—Show your Petting Zoo mates that you like them (or what they sent) by sending them a cyber-treat. The more treats you collect, the more popular you are. Treats are good for your ego.
Change Your Collar/Litter/Cage/Water—Share updates in your life (got neutered/spayed, new pet in the house, things like that) that your Petting Zoo pals need to know.
Petty Zoo—Have a bug (figurate or literal)? Are you a peeved pet? Prance that rant in this section of your page.
Pooper Scoop—Newsie-mac-news-related items you’d tweet about if you were a bird, but can’t, so you wag your tongue about it here.
Boneyard—Post pictures of all the rotten dead things you’ve been playing with lately to impress your pals. You’ll probably need help from your human to let you keep the rotten dead thing and take a picture of it. Use your charm.
I may add other features as the platform develops. If it develops. I may be cute, but my techie skills are all bark, no byte.

Sorry. I’m the creative genius and the good looks of this operation. I need some techno-cat with brains to partner with me.
Any suggestions? Just tweet, meow, bark, squeak, bubble, slime, or mind-meld your ideas to me. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a flipping miracle to build a social network site for critters.

If humanoids can do this to cheese, we must be able to figure out a way to hook up pets online. Wait. That sounds way more painful than I intended. You know what I mean. Plus I’m just a dog. Give me a break.
So, all paws (claws, fins, and wings) on deck, Crits!
What do you think?
Nov 07, 2016 @ 07:40:43
🐾💕🐾💕
Nov 06, 2016 @ 11:55:48
We’re ‘dog’ sitting Charlie this weekend for our daughter. Ahh, I’m feeling the love for the soft pad of paws on my floors, and into my heart.
Nov 06, 2016 @ 09:14:05
And I’ll be waiting to read all about it! ❤
Nov 04, 2016 @ 03:12:40
I’m waiting. And waiting. I agree with you, I think when it’s time, I’ll ‘hear’ those pads knocking on the door…
Nov 03, 2016 @ 17:06:16
Yes he is! 🙂
Nov 03, 2016 @ 17:05:55
Oh, you are simply too good at this! 🙂
Nov 03, 2016 @ 17:05:14
And this is why I now only have one dog!!! Thanks, V!
Nov 03, 2016 @ 17:03:22
Oh, it took me 9 months before I had the courage (or loneliness) to search for another dog. I was SOOOOO lucky to find Fozzie. We just celebrated one year with him. He is a perfect poochie pie. Here’s hoping someone just as perfect pads his way into your heart and home! ❤
Nov 03, 2016 @ 17:01:09
Thanks, Suzanne! I knew you’d have our back!
Nov 03, 2016 @ 16:51:43
If Fozzie has gotten one, he’s probably eaten it! 😉
Oct 14, 2016 @ 08:58:28
These are all great ideas, and that means Zuckerberg has probably already stolen it. I expect you to receive a Facebook cease-and-desist at any time.
Oct 01, 2016 @ 12:26:33
I’m glad you put Zuckerberg on notice…we’ll all stand behind you if he tries to elbow his way in!
Oct 01, 2016 @ 05:20:28
I want you (I’m talking to the adorable doggy writing to us while mistress is off steaming). My special one, Henry, has been gone two years, and he is still so missed we can’t find it in our hearts to bring in another doggie to the house. Until I saw your picture. YOU ARE THE ONE. Do you think your steaming mistress would let you go? I’d make sure you were NEVER lonely, give you long walks, lots of treats, but…sorry…keep you far far away from my computer. 🙂
Sep 30, 2016 @ 17:24:56
Sparky and Zoe, here.
(Sparky) We are already arguing over who gets dibs on the keyboard. Problem is, Zoe has a penchant for the delete key.
(Zoe) Yeah, but you think marking the laptop is a good idea? Mom will be really pi…uh, upset. Not only that…I’m deaf. I deserve some way to communicate.
(Sparky) Yeah, but you will lick the keyboard.
(Zoe) And you won’t?
(Mom) enough, kids. The only issue is time. I’m not letting you have at it unless I’m overseeing.
Sparky and Zoe–hang-dog eyes.
Sep 30, 2016 @ 15:27:08
Bring in Rottweilers if you need a megabite. Bark from trees is less noisy. What about goats for the RAM?
Sep 30, 2016 @ 15:26:25
And Fozzie is a good boy for showing his support of your work by leaving his hair on your keyboard!!
Sep 30, 2016 @ 15:23:53
Fozzie kindly left a comment on that excellent post of yours. He also left a wee bit of hair on my keyboard! 😉
Sep 30, 2016 @ 14:06:55
Hi there, Rusty the dachshund here: Way ahead of you pal – and I’ve a tip or two to share – I’ve been busy helping my human practice her speech and as a result you can see a pic of me in action here on the blog https://sueclancy.com/2016/09/29/on-writing-and-giving-speeches-about-art/ – Do you see what I did? I got my human to do my typing for me AND spend time with me all day! That’s the ticket; be so useful to your human that they talk to you, give you treats, feed you, walk you and also do your on-line networking for you. So have you tried helping your human in the sewing room? I’m sure you can at least pick up the scraps, bark along with the cursing or calm your human’s nerves – something useful. Then you’ll be so busy you’ll wish to have more time to lay about on a rug! Best of luck pal – gotta get back to work…
Sep 30, 2016 @ 14:01:16
Love you, too! ❤
Sep 30, 2016 @ 14:00:43
Thanks, Gerry! I had to fight Fozzie to get access to my laptop to read these comments. 🙂
Sep 30, 2016 @ 13:59:47
Aw. Thanks! I think so, too. ❤
Sep 30, 2016 @ 13:59:06
I’m sure. And I won’t get a scent of it! 😉
Sep 30, 2016 @ 12:59:25
I assume the profile picture will just be a shot of the rear quarters. After all, that’s where the real identity comes from, right? And when they roll in something particularly rotten, there’s go to be some way to share that scent. Sort of like smell-a-vision, except in a social media format.
If there’s money to be made, I’m sure some techy-nerd will figure out how to make it happen.
Sep 30, 2016 @ 07:33:21
Your dog is so adorable.
Sep 30, 2016 @ 01:15:18
I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my back against the tree, you made me laugh so much it made my fur rise and itch. All the inhabitants were biting wild.. Enjoyed this read, I say Mr Zuckerberg watch out…
Sep 29, 2016 @ 18:34:19
Your techie skills may be all bark and no bite but your cuteness makes up for everything. And a BOL wag wag from me and my gang. love ya!