My human finally left her laptop alone. She’s doing something human-ish in her sewing room. It involves steam and some cussing.

She peeks out every once in a while to get fresh air. Heck if I know what she's making in there. I think she she's making herself a drippy blonde.

She peeks out every once in a while to get fresh air. Heck if I know what she’s making in there. I think she’s making herself a drippy dizzy blonde.

Anyway, if you other non-human family members are anything like me, you’re hungry lonely, right? We were meant to roam around, all wild-like, hunting, eating what we find, rolling in stinky stuff, and coming back home as disgusting as possible to sleep and eat some more. I know because sometimes I watch YouTube videos.

If that’s not wild, I don’t know what is.

Plus, we’re pack critters. Even you cats like to hang out with other cats…sometimes…when you’re in the mood. But most of us are just cooped up in our houses all day with our lame squeaky toys or valuable furniture to chew or scratch. Isolated. Waiting for something interesting to do.

The poodle part of me is smart and wants stimulation. The terrier part of me is curious and wants stimulation. This rug ain't doin' it for me, Mom.

The poodle part of me is smart and needs stimulation. The terrier part of me is curious and wants stimulation. This rug ain’t doin’ it for me, Mom.

Well, wait no more! I’ve been watching my human spend hours a day on her laptop. When she’s not walking me and telling me to deliver her a “nice poopie,” that woman is typing away. I bet sometimes she’s talking to real live virtual people.

We non-humans want some of that action. At least I do!

So I’m launching a new social network for non-humans (teenagers don’t count because they have more cyber connections than I have hairs on my chinny-chin-chin). I’m calling it “The Petting Zoo,” and it’s open to any non-human that:

  1. is lonely and wants to hook up with other non-humans on the Interwebs.
  2. has access to a computer.
  3. can set up a free account.
  4. can get their human away from the computer long enough to use the darned thing.

Birds have an advantage with their hunt-and-peck keyboarding skills.

That's not what I meant, but, okay.

That’s not what I meant, but, okay.

Any of us with paws will have a harder time setting up our accounts and sending messages. If I could just pee on the screen and broadcast “Fozzie is online,” I would be a virtual star in dog-seconds. But until humanoids develop scent technology and bark/meow/whatever-noise-you-make-recognition programs for computers, I’m going to have to figure out a way to get my paws to do my talking. You are, too.

What do you think these paws are saying?

What do you think these paws are saying?

I’m sure your human has many adorable pictures of you, so you can post one so we can all see who we’re connecting with. Make sure it’s a recent photo and a real one. I don’t want to be thinking I’m getting cozy with a smooth-talking snickerdoodle only to find out the hard way that I’ve been telling my tails to a cheating Chihuahua. Or worse. A certain Kamikaze Kat.

What do you think? Will your humans help you set up your account on “The Petting Zoo” social network page? Here’s some of the features I have planned:

Scratch ‘n Sniff—Introduce yourself by sharing your identity and other sensitive information that could get you kidnapped. But that’s okay. You’re looking for some excitement in your life, and nothing spells excitement like your picture on posters all over the neighborhood with a nice reward.

Piddle-Rub-Roll—Invite others to become part of your petting zoo by leaving your irresistible “calling card.” Like “friending,” only stinkier.

Crotch Jab/Butt Rub—Remind your new online pals that you’re here and they need to get online and play. Like “poking,” only…no, it’s the same as poking.

Treats—Show your Petting Zoo mates that you like them (or what they sent) by sending them a cyber-treat. The more treats you collect, the more popular you are. Treats are good for your ego.

Change Your Collar/Litter/Cage/Water—Share updates in your life (got neutered/spayed, new pet in the house, things like that) that your Petting Zoo pals need to know.

Petty Zoo—Have a bug (figurate or literal)? Are you a peeved pet? Prance that rant in this section of your page.

Pooper Scoop—Newsie-mac-news-related items you’d tweet about if you were a bird, but can’t, so you wag your tongue about it here.

Boneyard—Post pictures of all the rotten dead things you’ve been playing with lately to impress your pals. You’ll probably need help from your human to let you keep the rotten dead thing and take a picture of it. Use your charm.

I may add other features as the platform develops. If it develops. I may be cute, but my techie skills are all bark, no byte.

Sorry. I'm the creative genius and the good looks of this operation. I need some technocat with brains to partner with me.

Sorry. I’m the creative genius and the good looks of this operation. I need some techno-cat with brains to partner with me.

Any suggestions? Just tweet, meow, bark, squeak, bubble, slime, or mind-meld your ideas to me. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a flipping miracle to build a social network site for critters.

If humanoids can do this to cheese, we must be able to figure out a way to hook up pets online. Wait. That sounds way more painful than I intended. You know what I mean. Plus I'm just a dog. Give me a break.

If humanoids can do this to cheese, we must be able to figure out a way to hook up pets online. Wait. That sounds way more painful than I intended. You know what I mean. Plus I’m just a dog. Give me a break.

So, all paws (claws, fins, and wings) on deck, Crits!
What do you think?