What’s happening in Outlandia?

 

In this reporter's opinion, it was totally unprofessional of Beyonce to lip-sync, or even hint at the possibility of lip-syncing our National Anthem on such an important occasion. It really leaves her exposed to all kinds of criticism and jeopardizes her future as a role model for successful influential women. Shame on you, Beyonce. Back to you, Harry.

My motto: if it’s already news, I’m breaking it. News, that is. Breaking the news. Not anything else. Why the heck aren’t you focusing? Focusing on me? My news breaking assets? Sheesh! I knew I shouldn’t have worn Grandma’s brooch.

It’s time again for more wack-a-doodle news from your ace cub second-hand reporter.

My other motto:

My other motto: Never drink and read. At least not this blog. Keyboards, like you, hate humidity.

Okay, so here is the latest crop of Portlandia-ish news items I thought you might find Outlandia-ish.

 

"911, what's your emergency?" "Donut worry. I'm a police officer. I was latte for work and my caramel swirled to avoid all the holes around here. Batter send in back up, though."

“911, what’s your emergency?” “Donut worry. I’m a police officer. I was latte for work and my caramel swirled to avoid all the holes around here. Batter send in back up, though.”

 

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Impressive. I wouldn’t try that hard to get back to my family.

 

I can see why they might be cracking down on drivers around here.

I can see why they might want to crack down on drivers. Out here in the Wild West, people are taking the notion of freedom a bit too far.

 

Just in case plain old Twinkies weren't risky enough for you, and you had one too many deep-fried sticks of butter, you're in luck! Or maybe your cardiologist is in luck.

Just in case plain old Twinkies weren’t risky enough for you, and you had one too many deep-fried sticks of butter, you’re in luck! Or maybe your cardiologist is in luck.

 

As every good 4-H-er knows, you have to appreciate where things come from. So it's perfectly natural to have these beauties (the plants,not the wigged out judges) at the state fair.

As every good 4-H-er knows, you have to appreciate where things come from. So it’s perfectly natural to have these beauties (the plants,not the wigged out judges) at the state fair.

 

I'm guessing these plants didn't quite make it to the state fair. I've seen some odd things in port-a-potties in my day, but nothing like this.

I’m guessing these plants didn’t quite make it to the state fair. I’ve seen some odd things in port-a-potties in my day, but nothing like this to tickle my fanny.

 

And you thought these critters were scary. Ha! Tweetie Bird is laughing his tail feathers off at Mr. Chirpindrool.

And you thought these critters were scary. Ha! Tweetie Bird is laughing his tail feathers off at Mr. Chirp N. Drool.

 

I live among some very passionate Trumpeteers. I just didn't know that they were trying to influence the election from the grave.

I live among some very passionate Trumpeteers. I just didn’t know that they were trying to influence the election from the grave. In case you can’t read the highlighted portions, this man enjoys his Harley motorcycle and taking  his daughter on dates. In lieu of flowers, he asks people not to vote for Hilary Clinton in November.

 

Depending on the outcome of the election, this scientific news may be great or may be disappointing. Your call.

Depending on the outcome of the November election, this scientific news may be wonderful or may be disappointing. Your call.

I hope you enjoyed another installment of Outlandia News brought to you by your only favorite dizzy blonde reporter-ish.

All right, already. I made a mistake. I should have said 'abroad." What's the big deal anyway?

All right, already. What’s the big deal anyway? I have an eye for breaking news that’s clearly broken. I’m a woman whose time and cable channel have yet to come.

Editor’s Note: The story I ran in the last edition about the Poop App was, unfortunately, a hoax. A cruel, cruel, hoax. No Pooper-Uber, People. You have to self-scoop…for now.

 

Eeewww. Picking up poopies should really be handled by trained professionals.

Eeewww. Picking up poopies should really be handled by trained professionals.

Until the next time, stay safe and send any strange news my way. I’ll know what to do with it!

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 8, 2016.

31 Responses to “What’s happening in Outlandia?”

  1. Ha! He doesn’t. He has the cutest underbite. 😉

  2. Happy to bring smiles any ay of any week!

  3. I agree. When the hilarious stuff is in the daily newspaper, what’s a humor blogger to do?

  4. I’m sure they have editors…but maybe they aren’t very good editors!

  5. As do you, Gayle! ❤

  6. I’ve been scanning the newspaper. Not much lately. Everything has been so serious. But I won’t give up! 😉

  7. I just report the nutty news, I don’t make it…at least not so far! 😉

  8. Too, too funny!

  9. Another fantastic collection, Lorna! The deep fried Twinkies made me think of the deep fried Mars bars reputedly very popular in Scotland (I’ve never tried them and just the thought clogs my arteries). Keep them coming!

  10. I meant to say “peacock story” too many times…and you leave the sweetest comments every time! ❤

  11. No, you couldn’t make this stuff up, Lorna. True life can be absurd! Loved the guy in his obit asking that people not vote for Hillary…and yet he takes his daughter on dates…haha! Those editors need to be a little more diligent about what they send through the presses! Aren’t there proofreaders any more? And deep-fried Twinkies…really? It’s like they’re trying their best to outdo themselves in making the worst, barely edible items. Can they possibly be considered food?

    Thanks for reading my peacock too many times already! 🙂 ❤

  12. I do feel bad for the police officer who crashed into the donut shop. It’s almost too cliche to be funny.

    I saw the Deep Fried Twinkies at a gas station. It’s almost impossible to write satire or parody anymore. The truth is just too ridiculous.

  13. I certainly do…

  14. Thanks for some good cheer on this Sunday morning.

  15. “I knew I shouldn’t have worn Grandma’s brooch.” Too funny, Lorna. How does Fozzie keep a straight face? x

  16. Thanks!

  17. I don’t know, Gerry? The stuff just comes to me every morning! I just see humor in it. I wonder if anyone else​ does?

  18. Al, I think we should be an investigative reporting team, like Woodward and Bernstein, only way less inhibited by rules or ethics of journalism. What do you say, Pal?

  19. Maybe he figured out a way to ghost-vote. Who knows? 😐

  20. Sure does…and more! 🙂

  21. I tried being someone else once. Didn’t work. They got REALLY upset!!! 😉

  22. I hear pot helps with vision problems like the kind you describe… 😉

  23. I kept waiting for that phone call to come and help judge the pot plants, but someone must have gotten stoned and dialed the wrong number. What next? Did they eat all the deep-fried twinkles too?

    BTW – It is hard to make eye contact when you have a big pair of br . . . I mean, a really big brooch staring you in the face.

  24. My prior suspicions were correct; you don’t read the news the same way other folks do. But it’s okay! I love you just the way you are! We all do! Keep being yourself!!!

  25. Some very bizarre news items, Lorna. That sweet doggie who was so desperate to find his family again deserves a deep-fried twinkie treat. 🙂

  26. Where do you find this stuff? Wait, every day in the newspaper. Are there still newspapers? Wait, yes, I get one delivered once a week to my driveway which has no real news in it and I save it religiously to light the fireplace in the fall and winter. I especially like the “in lieu of flowers…” At least he’s not voting from the grave like they did for Johnson.

  27. Eat your heart out Lois Lane, the dizzy blonde is the real Superwoman of news reporting. Dizzy, (may I call you Dizzy?) this was one heckofva job in keeping us up to date on all the weird news on the left coast.

    Her are my thoughts: 1. Do you think the cop will still get free donuts? 2. If you grow weed in an outhouse, does it become a smokehouse? 3. What are the odds that the asteroid will die falling down the stairs before it hits the earth? 4. Little does poor dead James know that HE will probably end up voting for Hillary.

  28. What does one say about the people who seek this stuff out. What a wonderful world Lorna. Well sought!

  29. 🙂 Good one Frenda. Luv ya, Pethel

  30. I love this stuff that is so odd that even I could never make up!

  31. so funny!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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