I finally put it all together.

This was the final piece in of the puzzle.

This was the final piece in of the puzzle.

Just to be clear, this is not a conspiracy theory; this is a conspiracy fact.

There is a difference. Trust me. I used to know the difference. But what matters most to you: a lesson in semantics or how pathetic your future monthly checks from the government will be?

I thought so.

I thought so.

After a serious (by “serious,” I mean “considerable”) amount of research (meaning: “thinking” and “noticing” and “Googling” and “napping”), I have figured out how the government is going to save the floundering Social Security system from the onslaught of massive retiring Baby Boomers (which is to say the number of Baby Boomers retiring is massive, not that they are all massively overweight—but, hey, how many stretched out Spanks do you own?)

Consider these statements as fact (because it just makes things easier for me):

  • Those of us born between 1945 and 1964 are taking longer and longer to pee  get upright  look presentable.
  • We are sick and tired of working or just sick and tired of  _____ing (fill in the blank).
  • We actually believe that 70 is the new 50 and 60 is the new 40, which means that 40 is the new 20 (and the reason why your adult children are still sponging off of you) and 90 is the new 70 (which is just plain scary).
Sure! I may be old, but I remember cars! I'll take that there Smart Car out for a spin. Hey! Where's the back of the darned thing?

Sure! I may be old, but I remember cars! I’ll take that there Smart Car out for a spin. Hey! Where’s the back of the darned thing?

  • We absolutely, positively, unquestioningly don’t want to die or look as if we could possibly catch a deathy thing.
  • We want to maintain or improve the lifestyle we are accustomed to for the next, oh, 50 years, but haven’t saved all that much or nothing (whichever amount is greater).
  • There are 76.4 million Baby Boomers drawing on or expecting to drawn on Social Security for as long as they possibly can.
  • The current workforce (supplying Social Security with funds) is relying on Millennials, you know, many of whom are doggedly working day and night to find Pokemon monsters.
Dude, do you these phones can be used to search for, like, jobs and things? Psych! Gotcha! Now where's that Picchu?

Dude, do you these phones can be used to search for, like, jobs and things? Psych! Gotcha! Now where’s that Picchu?

Given these facts, Social Security is in danger of running out of money. Forget politicians fixing this problem. That’ll never happen.

Politicians won’t need to worry about the Social Security fund becoming insolvent. Secretly and yet in plain sight, a plan has begun to save Social Security by killing off Baby Boomers like me and, yes, YOU!

How?

Yoga. Yes, Dearie. Yoga!

Yoga. Yes, Dearie. Yoga!

There. I said it. Now you know.

How? You may be asking at the great risk of repeating yourself, and I’ll tell you.

Plain, simple yoga is dangerous enough for the average I-wish-I-was-in-better-shape-so-I’ll-try-something-involving-gentle-music-mats-and-comfortable-pants crowd.

I tried Beginner’s yoga. I’ve never been a circus performer, but I imagine their training is similar. One pose stretched my hamstring so far that the woman next to me felt it. Yoga can be relaxing. It might even be good for you, but it’s dangerous when taken too far.

So what have Yomus (Yoga Maker-Uppers) done?

Together with SAG (Some Arm of Government), Yomus have taken yoga far, wide, and to the dark side. They say these forms of yoga are to make it “more challenging” or “even more spiritual.” I’m sure they are. You will (at least I will) meet my maker if I try these. And that means one less retiree cashing her Social Security check next month.

Yeah, I'd be praying, too. Almost every time I have used an exercise band, they have broken and snapped in my face. And that's the best possible scenario here.

Yeah, I’d be praying, too.

Here is a list of the trends in yoga. These are real. Even my wonky brain couldn’t make this stuff up.

  1. Hot Yoga (Strokga)—Forget all the marketing about cleansing your pores. This is an attempt to give you a fatal heat stroke. I’m sure it’s a thing.
  2. Snoga—Yoga poses on a snowy mountainside. What could go wrong?
  3. Nude Yoga—Sure it sounds nice until you realize mostly women in their 50s are in the class. This may not kill you, but it may suck the joy from life real fast. All those mirrors. All that cellulite.
  4. Tantrum Yoga—Forget the peaceful setting. People go to this type of yoga to scream, stomp, and chest-pound. It’s like the old joke, “I went to a yoga retreat and a hockey game broke out.”
  5. Yogulp—Combining yoga evenings with beer or wine tastings. Nothing stabilizes your tree pose like being boozed up. Broken hip = death grip.
  6. Doga/Meowga/Equine Yoga—Using your pet as your yoga prop instead of an inanimate block that won’t bite, scratch, kick, or (most importantly MOVE) while you are trying to stabilize yourself during a pretzel pose.
  7. Aerial Yoga—Doing yoga while suspended in rubber contraptions which, under the right/wrong circumstances could get wrapped around your neck or other necessary parts and leave you wishing you didn’t want to be so darned serene.
  8. Aqua Yoga—Doing yoga in the water, or, in my case, underwater…for a short time…until I drown.
  9. Paddleboard Yoga (Waterboard Yoga)—Yoga in a river, lake, ocean, waterfall, whatever while balancing on a supposedly floaty board. Besides the obvious drowning possibilities, you should concern yourself with the ever-present dangers of striking your head on the board as you fall into predator-infested waters. Watch enough beach-theme scary movies. You’ll understand.
  10. Couples Yoga—Yes, let’s give two people who have been married too long another thing to criticize each other about.
Floyd's Pigeon Pose is sloppy on a good day. I try to set up my mat as far away as possible from him. Plus he can't help but fart every five minutes. I get enough of that at home.

Floyd’s Pigeon Pose is sloppy on a good day. I try to set up my mat as far away from him as possible. Plus he farts every five minutes. I get enough of that at home.

Once I put this all together in a tidy package, the conspiracy is easy to see, isn’t it? Yomus in cahoots with the government lure Baby Boomers in with promises of relaxed, fit, youthful bodies and minds, but they’re really trying to knock us off to keep Social Security solvent.

Well, do you have a better explanation for these wackadoodle kinds of yoga?