Exposed! The Secret Plot to Save Social Security

I finally put it all together.

This was the final piece in of the puzzle.

This was the final piece in of the puzzle.

Just to be clear, this is not a conspiracy theory; this is a conspiracy fact.

There is a difference. Trust me. I used to know the difference. But what matters most to you: a lesson in semantics or how pathetic your future monthly checks from the government will be?

I thought so.

I thought so.

After a serious (by “serious,” I mean “considerable”) amount of research (meaning: “thinking” and “noticing” and “Googling” and “napping”), I have figured out how the government is going to save the floundering Social Security system from the onslaught of massive retiring Baby Boomers (which is to say the number of Baby Boomers retiring is massive, not that they are all massively overweight—but, hey, how many stretched out Spanks do you own?)

Consider these statements as fact (because it just makes things easier for me):

  • Those of us born between 1945 and 1964 are taking longer and longer to pee  get upright  look presentable.
  • We are sick and tired of working or just sick and tired of  _____ing (fill in the blank).
  • We actually believe that 70 is the new 50 and 60 is the new 40, which means that 40 is the new 20 (and the reason why your adult children are still sponging off of you) and 90 is the new 70 (which is just plain scary).
Sure! I may be old, but I remember cars! I'll take that there Smart Car out for a spin. Hey! Where's the back of the darned thing?

Sure! I may be old, but I remember cars! I’ll take that there Smart Car out for a spin. Hey! Where’s the back of the darned thing?

  • We absolutely, positively, unquestioningly don’t want to die or look as if we could possibly catch a deathy thing.
  • We want to maintain or improve the lifestyle we are accustomed to for the next, oh, 50 years, but haven’t saved all that much or nothing (whichever amount is greater).
  • There are 76.4 million Baby Boomers drawing on or expecting to drawn on Social Security for as long as they possibly can.
  • The current workforce (supplying Social Security with funds) is relying on Millennials, you know, many of whom are doggedly working day and night to find Pokemon monsters.
Dude, do you these phones can be used to search for, like, jobs and things? Psych! Gotcha! Now where's that Picchu?

Dude, do you these phones can be used to search for, like, jobs and things? Psych! Gotcha! Now where’s that Picchu?

Given these facts, Social Security is in danger of running out of money. Forget politicians fixing this problem. That’ll never happen.

Politicians won’t need to worry about the Social Security fund becoming insolvent. Secretly and yet in plain sight, a plan has begun to save Social Security by killing off Baby Boomers like me and, yes, YOU!

How?

Yoga. Yes, Dearie. Yoga!

Yoga. Yes, Dearie. Yoga!

There. I said it. Now you know.

How? You may be asking at the great risk of repeating yourself, and I’ll tell you.

Plain, simple yoga is dangerous enough for the average I-wish-I-was-in-better-shape-so-I’ll-try-something-involving-gentle-music-mats-and-comfortable-pants crowd.

I tried Beginner’s yoga. I’ve never been a circus performer, but I imagine their training is similar. One pose stretched my hamstring so far that the woman next to me felt it. Yoga can be relaxing. It might even be good for you, but it’s dangerous when taken too far.

So what have Yomus (Yoga Maker-Uppers) done?

Together with SAG (Some Arm of Government), Yomus have taken yoga far, wide, and to the dark side. They say these forms of yoga are to make it “more challenging” or “even more spiritual.” I’m sure they are. You will (at least I will) meet my maker if I try these. And that means one less retiree cashing her Social Security check next month.

Yeah, I'd be praying, too. Almost every time I have used an exercise band, they have broken and snapped in my face. And that's the best possible scenario here.

Yeah, I’d be praying, too.

Here is a list of the trends in yoga. These are real. Even my wonky brain couldn’t make this stuff up.

  1. Hot Yoga (Strokga)—Forget all the marketing about cleansing your pores. This is an attempt to give you a fatal heat stroke. I’m sure it’s a thing.
  2. Snoga—Yoga poses on a snowy mountainside. What could go wrong?
  3. Nude Yoga—Sure it sounds nice until you realize mostly women in their 50s are in the class. This may not kill you, but it may suck the joy from life real fast. All those mirrors. All that cellulite.
  4. Tantrum Yoga—Forget the peaceful setting. People go to this type of yoga to scream, stomp, and chest-pound. It’s like the old joke, “I went to a yoga retreat and a hockey game broke out.”
  5. Yogulp—Combining yoga evenings with beer or wine tastings. Nothing stabilizes your tree pose like being boozed up. Broken hip = death grip.
  6. Doga/Meowga/Equine Yoga—Using your pet as your yoga prop instead of an inanimate block that won’t bite, scratch, kick, or (most importantly MOVE) while you are trying to stabilize yourself during a pretzel pose.
  7. Aerial Yoga—Doing yoga while suspended in rubber contraptions which, under the right/wrong circumstances could get wrapped around your neck or other necessary parts and leave you wishing you didn’t want to be so darned serene.
  8. Aqua Yoga—Doing yoga in the water, or, in my case, underwater…for a short time…until I drown.
  9. Paddleboard Yoga (Waterboard Yoga)—Yoga in a river, lake, ocean, waterfall, whatever while balancing on a supposedly floaty board. Besides the obvious drowning possibilities, you should concern yourself with the ever-present dangers of striking your head on the board as you fall into predator-infested waters. Watch enough beach-theme scary movies. You’ll understand.
  10. Couples Yoga—Yes, let’s give two people who have been married too long another thing to criticize each other about.
Floyd's Pigeon Pose is sloppy on a good day. I try to set up my mat as far away as possible from him. Plus he can't help but fart every five minutes. I get enough of that at home.

Floyd’s Pigeon Pose is sloppy on a good day. I try to set up my mat as far away from him as possible. Plus he farts every five minutes. I get enough of that at home.

Once I put this all together in a tidy package, the conspiracy is easy to see, isn’t it? Yomus in cahoots with the government lure Baby Boomers in with promises of relaxed, fit, youthful bodies and minds, but they’re really trying to knock us off to keep Social Security solvent.

Well, do you have a better explanation for these wackadoodle kinds of yoga?

 

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 17, 2016.

26 Responses to “Exposed! The Secret Plot to Save Social Security”

  1. I know what you mean!

  2. If I only had a quarter for all the times I’ve run across a “to-do” item that didn’t get done but is still a good idea – I’d have at least enough money for …. well I can’t fathom that much money, or what it’d buy… so never mind. 😉 Lol!

  3. Not you, Sue! You are the master of follow-through!

  4. I hear you!

  5. Oh, I’m full of thoughts, Sue. It’s the follow-through that I have trouble with sometimes…

  6. Now there’s a thought! 😉

  7. Or, you could do a character doing yogart…or a book of yogart…or… 😉

  8. Yes, all is well. Hope the same for you. And don’t hurry with the yoga unless you have a burning desire for recuperation!

  9. Yes, walking is safe…well, safe enough! 😉

  10. Oh my … What a conspiracy??? !!!
    I’m with you on that nude yoga … or … nude beaches … or nude anything. What’s up with that? Clothes soak up sweat. We don’t need to go blind from all that skin flapping around. YIKES … I think I’ll stick to my walking routine. LOLOL … 😎

  11. Yoga is one of those things I’ve never done and always felt I should. As for being a baby boomer, it just means I have more years in which to fight maturity. Hope all is good with you 🙂

  12. Hey I just realized there’s no “YogART” category! Maybe I just invented it! Do body contortions and paint artistic masterpieces at the same time! Thanks Lorna! I’m a gonna be rich! Oh wait…now I have to design the poses, market and teach the YogART classes… Never mind. Not doing it. There! One less Yoga category for you!

  13. Supposedly all, but seriously, who knows what will be left before I get there! And yes, here too you can take early at 60 instead of 65, which would probably mean 62 for me :(, also at a reduced rate 😦

  14. Is that getting it at all or getting the full benefit? In the US, you can take early retirement, but it’s a reduced amount forevermore.

  15. I get it. I went to the Y with my daughter for a yoga class and was so glad the lights were off. I felt my face turn beet red as it does when I exercise. That was not what I expected from yoga. I expected relaxing music, meditation and stretching out good. Instead I watched regular people wrapping their arms through their legs while lifting one leg to the ceiling in an exotic bird pose. Passion bird? No that’s not it. Bird of Paradise. That’s it. No way. My hands were aching and my shirt wouldn’t stay put during downward dog. I’m done with public yoga. Next class:Ti Chi maybe? Is that the relaxing one people do in parks?

  16. Hysterical Lorna, and very clever post. I wasn’t aware of all those variations of yoga that can indeed be lethal, lol. But the scariest part is the pension conundrum. We’re having the same shyte over here. They’ve already raised the the year from 65 to 67 to start receiving it, starting if your birthday falls in 1959, the cut off line between getting it at 65 or 67. Guess what year I was born??????? 😦

  17. Funny Funny Funny!!! And I’m a yoga enthusiast! But I really love your sense of humor. If I didn’t go to yoga regularly, I would think you made up these different types of yoga, but I’m in the know, so I know they exist. One time I lost my head (for a short time) and allowed my babysitter (well, she was my babysitter until my kids grew up – now she’s 40 and a HUGE yoga fan and why I followed her to her yoga studio I don’t know BUT…) we all hung off the wall on ropes and dangled and ohmmm-ed and I screamed “GET ME OUTTA HERE.” Took a while to get untangled. Never did that again. Anyway, funny funny. xo

  18. You’re so smart. Stick with the basics and what you know works. All this fancification of an ancient form of mind/body work is plain silly (and possibly dangerous). I saw one form of aerobic yoga. I mean, really? 😐

  19. Haha! You’d need a light saber to cut your way out of some of the yoga predicaments they would put you in! 😉

  20. Can you believe some of these yoga variations? I didn’t include (and I kid you not) Cannabis Yoga and Karaoke Yoga! They just want people to get hurt. 😉

  21. It’s a slick plan, but not slick enough! Those Yomus can’t fool me! 😉

  22. Yoga. I’ll probably kick the bucket that way. You’re on to something here!

  23. Paddle board yoga – geez, I’d drown before the first downward facing dog. And tantra yoga? I do that every time my husband starts a new project.

  24. Yoga, sounds like a family from Star Wars, not for me, I get tied up too easily.

  25. Then there are those of us who do the same beginners DVD yoga every morning for the last ten years. Other than in age, some of us never move forward. 😉

  26. If 40 is the new 20 then what does that make 20? I’ll go for the tantrum thingy. 🙂 ❤

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