The news just keeps getting newsier

I simply prefer to focus on other things, like nothing.

I can’t watch “real” news on cable. I simply prefer to focus on other things, like nothing.

Avoiding bad news is my hobby passion obsession life.

Bad news, which is about the only kind that’s out there, makes me sick.

Literally.

I get stressed, which makes my immune system kersplode, which results in wonky symptoms no one can diagnose but are really irritating and often itchy.

And that malady is the least of my worries.

I bet the cure is worse than the condition. Take this pill and the itching will stop. You may, however, experience constipation, diarrhea, urinary incontinence, insomnia, drowsiness, nervous leg syndrome, numbness in your extremities, dry mouth, drooling, and either an increase or decrease in your libido. But the itching will stop. Probably.

But sometimes a news story flies in my face and I just have to share it with you. I consider it my civical duty.

If information is power, then trippy-dippy-what-the-flippy news is an effective antidote for all that powerful awful information zip lining across the airwaves, scaring the gee-willickers out of you.

Don't worry, Hank. At least your funny bone is still in tact. And given what we've been seeing in the news lately, you're going to need it.

Don’t worry, Hank. At least your funny bone is still intact. And given what we’ve been seeing in the news lately, you’re going to need it.

What do you get for the prostitute who has everything…except the money you owe her?

I wonder how this guy pays his plumber? Probably with a snake.

I wonder how this guy pays his plumber? Probably with a snake.

Enough with the fear mongering! Just asking the question suggests something nefarious. I feel docu-drama in the making: The Big Short Circuit.

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How the AC/DC should I know? Do I seem to be the type of person who knows the back side of a socket like the back of her hand?

Remember the good old days when toddlers having tantrums, biting unsuspecting relatives and not repeating the “bad words” adult sometimes said when they were angry about being bitten during a tantrum were the big worries parents had?

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Apparently, evolution is a painfully slow process.

Sometimes the figurative and the literal are literally the same thing. I know. It’s confusing!

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I wonder if you are a worse driver if you have an actual monkey on your back or if you are driving while under the influence of something that alters your consciousness? Not that a monkey being all monkeyish in the back seat (versus on your back) wouldn’t alter your consciousness. Maybe monkeys shouldn’t be passengers in your car.

The Pacific Northwest is still the West. Don’t be fixin’ to break the law in these parts. You might find yourself on the business end of a…well…um…you’ll know what those rodeo calves feel like. Feel the rope burn and learn!

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We live in an open carry, loop and throw state.

This is one of the more heinous news stories. Brace yourselves. It’s shocking and, frankly, unthinkable. But, better latte than never…

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If this makes it all the way to the Su-cream Court, I wonder which of the current eight Justices will espresso the ruling verdict?

Finally, Phil will believe me when I say that I did not take his hammer and thing-a-ma-gig and forgot to put them back in their proper place.

I have new motto: When accused of any bunkie, blame it on a monkey. I know. Not very Buddhist of me, but I have a reputation to protect. And let's face it, monkeys have reputations that are in the crapbasket.

I have new motto: When accused of any bunkie, blame it on a monkey. I know. Not very Buddhist of me, but I have a reputation to protect. And let’s face it, monkeys have reputations that are in the crapbasket.

Barriers are being broken. So are windows and possibly a few front teeth.

I don't know much about America's favorite pastime or about baseball, but I bet that if I played on one of these teams, the other players wouldn't all rush to cover me if the ball came toward me (like in every game I've ever played in my life).

I don’t know much about America’s favorite pastime or about baseball, but I bet that if I played on one of these teams, the other players wouldn’t all rush to cover me if the ball came toward me (like in every game I’ve ever played in my life).

And you thought Uber was clever…

Introducing Pooper Uber! I don't think that's what these entrepreneurs in the world of doggie doodoo are calling it, but it works the same way. Uber Scoopers are piling up for test runs in San Francisco, LA, and NYC.

Introducing Pooper Uber! I don’t think that’s what these entrepreneurs in the world of doggie doodoo are calling it, but it works the same way. Uber Scoopers are piling up for test runs in San Francisco, LA, and NYC.

Why do exercise mavens want to improve yoga? Isn’t it stimulaxing, contorifying, and fartbarrassing enough?

I'm sure lots of people think that balancing on one foot while boozed up is great for your core something, but if I remember correctly, having both feet on the ground while tipsy wasn't a guarantee of staying upright. Maybe if you have enough wine, you forget about falling and get creative with the explanations about all the bruises. It's a mind/body exercise.

I’m sure lots of people think that balancing on one foot while boozed up is great for your core something, but if I remember correctly, having both feet on the ground while tipsy wasn’t a guarantee of staying upright. Maybe if you have enough wine, you forget about falling and get creative with the explanations about all the bruises. It’s a mind/body exercise.

A new recruiting tool or an elaborate escape plan gone terribly wrong?

I'm seriously rethinking my aversion to organized religion. The most exciting thing we did in my religious ed classes was learn the major and minor ways to get to hell.

I’m seriously rethinking
my aversion to organized religion. The most exciting thing we did in my religious ed class was learning the major and minor ways to get to hell.

 I’ll keep scanning the paper and let you know about what’s happening in my neck of the woods.
You do the same, ya hear?

I'm busier than I look, but keeping you entertained is a serious job and I take it , well, seriously.

I’m busier than I look, but keeping you entertained is a serious job and I take it , well, seriously.

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 2, 2016.

40 Responses to “The news just keeps getting newsier”

  1. […] Note: The story I ran in the last edition about the Poop App was, unfortunately, a hoax. A cruel, cruel, hoax. No Pooper-Uber, People. You […]

  2. Probably!

  3. Screaming and yoga…maybe after, but during? :\

  4. I think you might well be right. I have tried yoga and survived (so far) to tell the tale, but there are some poses that my brain refuses point blank to believe are possible, no matter how many other people I see doing them… I’m not sure I fancy any of the ones you mention (perhaps the tantrum yoga…) 😉

  5. Maybe because it’s never been done?

  6. Somehow, an anchorwoman on an uplifting show seems counterintuitive. 😉

  7. I like your comment about living in an open carry, loop and throw state, Lorna. I would love to have a news station on tv that carried only zany and uplifting news. You can be the first anchor woman!

  8. Goody.

  9. Every day I find more. Stay tuned! 😜

  10. Thanks for the titillating updates. I like to keep abreast of those types of stories. It’s difficult to stay erect while laughing this hard. I’m running out of naughty verbs. Give me a hand here, will ya?

  11. A brilliant selection of, um, less usual press reports! I particularly love the prostitute who made a monkey out of that pet shop owner – and some cash, too. The monkey-on-back one also ape-peals.

  12. Some people need to get a life, lol. 🙂

  13. Can you imagine the obsessive people who measure how much coffee is in their cups? Some people need to stop drinking so much coffee!

  14. Fantastic post Lorna. YOU should be telling the news LOL. I’m with you, laughs aside, I just have to abstain from watching the news some days. Like you said, it’s never good. But your headlines are! Love the Starbucks gripe. What’s this world coming to? 🙂

  15. Yup!

  16. Shizzle sticks in a puppy mud pie! What has this world come to when you can’t trust the scoop on the poop you read about in the papers? 😦

  17. Oh no! It’s fake according to the Washington Post: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp/2016/07/22/so-it-has-come-to-this-an-app-that-finds-someone-to-pick-up-your-dogs-poop/

  18. Exactly – and the very best make us see the truth behind the joke.

  19. Happy to help take some of the crap off your heaping pile of … :0

  20. I couldn’t agree more, no matter what your political leanings are! It’s a real head-scratcher if you can stop shaking your head long enough to scratch it! 😐

  21. The monkeys in these news items are nothing compared to the ones making political news! 😉

  22. I always found that the best comics just observe real life and filter it back to us with their special twist!

  23. My work here is done…for now! 😉

  24. Yes, and not all of them are primates!

  25. So many monkeys in the news!

  26. I feel like I’m all caught up now. On the news I mean. I haven’t watched the news in over a year. Figured I’d rather sleep than worry about all the bad things that are going on out there…most of it too close to home. A monkey named “Gooey” to pay for a prostitute. Still shaking my head at that one. Thanks for the laughs.

  27. You have got me beat, but then I haven’t looked at my local paper’s headline in a bit. I bet this small town in North Caroline will have some gems. Thanks for opening my eyes to the very best!

  28. You find the best one, Lorna! And what’s going on with the monkeys? Are they taking over? Is this Planet of the Apes coming true?

  29. We don’t get any fun news here. But if you go for a “better laugh than cry” attitude, some of the political stuff is great stand-up comedy, in a dark doomsday’s-a- coming kind of way.

  30. I saw the story about the dog poo app and was going to do a post — but there is just so much shit I can write about!

  31. I bet! 🙂

  32. I read the comics, the horoscope and the obits in that order then barely skim the rest. Knowing the Reno Gazette (Urinal) Journal, there are sure to be some doozies.

  33. I live on the other side of the wonka-doodle tracks from Oz–Portland, OR area!

  34. The only reason I even scan the newspaper is to find things like these. Phil asks me if I saw a serious article and something and invariably I have to say “no.” I just look for the zany things! 🙂

  35. Yes, Pooper Uber. Only in America! 🙂

  36. Wow! And I thought Portland was strange! Thanks for sharing!!! 🙂

  37. Major and minor ways to hell……..very useful to know that. 😆 I just learned to sing all the books of the Bible, and got a prize. Some weird news headlines from South Africa where I don’t live any longer, and reading these headlines, you’ll understand why: ‘Woman of 87 forced to sing for pension check’. ‘Man arrested with nephew’s genitals in his wallet’. ‘Kill 60 rats and get a cellphone’. ‘Man skydives naked to protect rhinos’. ‘Invisible shit terror’. ‘Man kills himself and runs away’. ‘Woman vomits lizard’. ‘8 Men arrested for committing suicide’. I kid you not! 😆

  38. OMG, I want that dog poop scoop app. My cheeks hurt from laughing. These stories are the world’s gift to you because nobody shares them better. Luv ya! pethel xoxo

  39. These newsy bits have to be my favorite of your glorious writing escapades. Now I think it’s my duty to keep my eye open for Reno tidbits for you. Might as well expand your territory. Which means I will have to be a bit more attentive when scanning the local rag.

  40. I gotta m-m-m-monkey on my b-b-b-back-back-back. Great headlines! Man, where do you live, Oz?

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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