The Fat Chance Theory

It's almost February. Do you really expect me to remember what I said way back on January 1st?

It’s almost February. Do you really expect me to remember what I said way back on January 1st?

It’s about that time of year when most people have given up on those New Year’s resolutions they so earnestly pledged while liquored up.

And the most common resolution? Lose weight.

Since I never make resolutions, I don’t have to worry about abandoning them. I do, however, have to worry about the 10 pounds I gained since I moved to the Pacific Northwest.

I’m not really sure what’s going on. Except I’m taking up more space than I did on the East Coast.

This is supposed to be a very health-conscious part of the country.

I’m conscious all right. Conscious that I need more comfortable yoga pants and looser tops to float around a few too many curves in not the right places.

Um. Yeah. Could you show me that Spanks in an XXL?

Um. Yeah. Could you show me those Spanks in an XXL?

And the 10 bonus West Coast pounds seem to be so much in love with me that they simply won’t let go. Think 10-pound psycho stalker. I would be flattered if I wasn’t so miffed, disgusted and desperate to get rid of the tiny, but surprisingly noticeable, creep.

What’s a dizzy blonde to do?

I tried fasting. But I don’t like fast things. I’m a take-it-slow-and-easy kind of gal.

I tried eating only fruits and veggies. But I’m vegan. That’s apparently what got me into trouble.

I tried a food diary. But apparently you have to log everything you eat. Every day. And evaluate it. I mean, seriously, who does that?

My guy got me a Fitbit for Christmas. Think about this for a moment. He got his OCD-ified partner a device that helps her obsess over shizzle like the number of steps per day (I’m averaging over 10,000 and if I’m not quite there, I march around the house until the thing buzzes telling me that I’m there), miles walked, heart rate and sleep quality, plus it has a food and water log.

No danger of this happening here, People.

No danger of this happening here, People.

The Fitbit is both my dream and nightmare strapped to my wrist.

Since Christmas, I’ve lost and gained the same two pounds. It’s a flipping Christmas miracle.

Maybe I'd lose some serious weight if I did this all day.

Maybe I’d lose some serious weight if I did this all day.

As I’ve been walking to make sure I get my 10,000-step per day minimum, I’ve been thinking.

I know. Never a good thing for me to do. But here goes.

Clearly I need to walk more and think less.

Clearly I need to walk more and think less.

I gain weight when I’m content. I lose weight when I’m either sick or distraught.

So my ten-pound persistent psycho stalker is a sign that I’m happy and that life is good. Too good.

Can life be too good?

Plus, the older we get, the harder it is to lose weight. It’s our bodies way to protect us from dying too quickly if we develop a debilitating illness or get kidnapped.

We’ll hang in there much longer if we can’t eat (or aren’t fed) because we have all these reserves at the ready on our hips, bellies and upper arms.

It’s called the “Fat Chance” theory. Don’t laugh. It’s a thing. It has to be, right?

On second thought, it's okay to laugh. Laughing is great for the abs and burns some calories, too. Hey, is one of those guys Bernie Sanders?

On second thought, it’s okay to laugh. Laughing is great for the abs and burns some calories, too. Hey, is one of those guys Bernie Sanders?

Do you think I’m on to something here? Are you struggling with your weight? What are you doing about it? And if you’re struggling to put weight on, please keep that to yourself.

~ by Lorna's Voice on January 21, 2016.

44 Responses to “The Fat Chance Theory”

  1. Thanks. Me, too!

  2. Bummer! Hope you feel better soon!

  3. Thanks! Sorry I haven’t attended to my blog. I’ve been hit with the dreaded flu and feel like crap. On the plus side, I’ve lost 5 pounds… 😐

  4. Hilarious!

  5. I like that. Do you have a sister named Hon, too? I’m pretty sure I met her once in North Carolina.

  6. But of course!!! 🙂 Right up my alley Lorna. I love real, raw writing! 🙂

  7. Good plan. And turn on an exercise program while you are at it!

  8. So I should start hanging around with people who are gaining weight? Great plan! Thanks! 🙂

  9. Health gurus? They all say different things!

  10. 🙂

  11. I hope you are enjoying it!

  12. Every super-stuffed hero has to have a female counterpart, right. Well, let me step up to the plate (literally). Just call me Sugah. I’ll sedate you with sweetness.

  13. I’ve actually developed an alter ego named Lard Boy. Technically, age sixty maybe stretching the term “boy” a bit, but it rolls off the tongue easier than Old Blue-Haired Lard Guy.

    Lard Boy has a sidekick, Donut. They like to hang out together and watch exercise videos while eating ice cream right out of the carton. Being a Super-stuffed hero is hard work, but somebody’s gotta do it.

  14. Lol, no, if it bothers you, you have to keep fighting back, like I do! 🙂 PS I’m halfway through your book. 🙂

  15. And so it’s a good thing there are so many hiking trails around here! 😉

  16. Oh, Lorna. I fought my weight for most of my life then…kidney transplant meds that run riot on my GI system and now my struggle is just the opposite. And there is validity in your theory, girl. I am too skinny and, as a nurse, have seen what happens to buttless wonders when they are old and bed ridden. It scares me. Now, I don’t suggest a kidney transplant to lose weight but maybe just hold on to your thought process…it’s wiser to have a bit extra.

    As for the FitBit…my guy got me just a simple pedometer and I, too, am obsessive about meeting my goal, though I have adjusted it for my age. Don’t you think that’s fair? What do the health gurus say?

  17. So you’re saying I have to let everything go but the weight, huh? Beautiful. 😐

  18. Here’s my theory, a variation on the law of the conservation of matter: if I lose a pound, someone (usually a close friend) must gain one OR if the friend loses one, then I put it on. Works with spouses too. Just look at say, 5 or 6 friends and see if this isn’t so. Haha.

  19. I too have made a significant number of new friends in the shape of uninvited pounds. Like you, I find they stick to me with impressive loyalty, and I’m not sure I’ve got the will-power to shake them off. Oh well, life could be worse. Think I’ll settle down to read my fitness magazine with a cup of tea and a delicious full-fat biscuit with some of those nice currents in 🙂

  20. Hilarious and true Lorna. I wrote about this syndrome last year on a post. But it has everything to do with the menopause effect. After our estrogen leaves, our cortisol levels rise and with lack of estrogen, sugars/carbs are metabolized differently. My 8 pounds found me with zippo change of diet of lifestyle, and congregated around my waistline, hence, middle aged spread. Our bodies change and redistribute things wherever it wants to. Even if you weighed the same, your clothes will fit differently. I tried exercising more (like a maniac), starving, you name it. In the end, eating more with low carbs finally knocked off 5 pounds. The trick is to not feed your slow burning furnace high carbs, starving doesn’t help. And even so, get used to your new body shape, lol, it aint leaving.

  21. That’s a good theory. I’m going with your approach. The food is yummy out here, all right!

  22. I’m not sure of much anymore, Eylse…

  23. You should do your own weight loss program. It would be a hoot! 😉

  24. I wasn’t supposed to post here because I appear, recently, to be struggling to put weight on, or so it seems. I was weighed at the doctor this week and registered a 6 pound loss to 179. I think I’m turning in to a stick person as I age. Sorry. And I don’t own a FitBit, I don’t exercise, I drink, swear and don’t eat right. So maybe that’s the formula? It’s definitely why I don’t make New Year Resolutions.

  25. Well, I’m not sure that I should reach my goal by going for a glass of wine ..

  26. I’ve gained weight since moving to the pacific northwest too – my theory is that all the health-conscious food here is just pure yummy-ness and so I eat it. Lots of it. Whereas in “the other place” where I used to live there was no good food, nothing at all good to eat whether healthy or not…

  27. I don’t eat dairy. Probably nixing all non-veggie or fruit carbs would help…but a girl’s gotta live. 😉

  28. I can’t think of a better way to lose weight than to laugh it off! Thanks, Gerry! 🙂

  29. Seems like everything is conspiring against us. But why do Jane Fonda and Christie Brinkley still look so darned good?

  30. I’m not content with my extra curves, though, Al. I liked the sleeker me. Somehow my guy likes the curvier version. What’s up with that? Never mind. I think I can figure that one out on my own!

  31. You might be on to something. I come from Nordic heritage. I wish my genes would figure out I have central heating!

  32. Everything in moderation…except Voodoo Donuts in Portland!!!!

  33. Last night, to “up” my steps I danced in my living room. I had so much fun. Then (predictably, I might add), I started to feel awful (headache, upset stomach, the works). My chronically fatigued body let me know my “wild child” days are behind me. Let me know how the Fitbit works for you. It sure makes me aware that I need to keep moving–but just at a slower pace. 😦

  34. Glad to be of service now in and in the future! 🙂

  35. I’m not happy for you, but I’m glad to know it’s not just me! 😉

  36. I could have written this post except: it wouldn’t be as funny, I didn’t move to the Pacific northwest, and I didn’t get a whatchamacallit for Christmas. Over the past year, I’ve gained ten pounds too. Without even trying. I think it’s age. Just another reason to hate birthdays. Hate maybe a little strong…Not.

  37. This was so funny to read, Lorna. Not that I’m laughing about the fact that you’ve acquired a couple of spare tires. That’s no laughing matter at all. This is the best line for me: “It’s our body’s way to protect us from dying too quickly if we develop a debilitating illness or get kidnapped.” What a brilliant excuse for putting on weight. I shall keep it in reserve for if ever I need it. 🙂

  38. I no longer struggle. For a very long time I did not accept that I was fat, but I got over that. And I am the only fat Crohn’s patient, a condition that normally leads more in the direction of anorexia. But too many of the things that are good for everybody else make me sick — I can no longer eat salads, leafy greans, crispy veggies. I can eat them if they are overcooked and drip. I do, but … So I try to feel good, which makes me exercise more which makes me feel good.

    I just got a fitbit and started using it yesterday. It says I’m walking a lot of steps … we’ll see. I have lengthened my morning dog walk a bit, so that’s a good thing!

  39. Ah yes, if only butter, pasta and pastry were good for you, I’d be set! 🙂

  40. Perhaps there is a ‘climate’ theory!? I’ve always been on the chunky side – so I’ve always been ‘aware’ of what makes me chunkier. For me, it is winter – my body stockpiles a bit of extra fat to protect me against the cold. As I age, I feel the cold more, so my body has been stockpiling more than usual. But – I lost 8 pounds last year, and will lose the same this year because I’m spending the winter in Arizona… Hubby says the only reason I lose weight when I’m in the warmer south is because I can’t get my daily fix of Canada’s Tim Horton’s Ice Capps…

  41. As a fellow contender in the contest of weight, I contend that if you’re content, don’t worry about your content.

  42. I didn’t have a name for what was happening but I totally agree. In my case I’ve always struggled with weight, but yes, age has made it even more challenging. Nobody has given me a Fitbit yet, although I try and exercise everyday, do HIIT (if I don’t appear one day I might be on the floor passed out), and I I’ve tried also protein water (not vegan but I don’t eat meat)… I’m sure our metabolism slows down with age… And lovely hormones…

  43. Try watching comedy shows, or read some of your past posts, the funny ones [smiling as I write] and do lots of belly laughs. Yesterday here in the UK, the latest way to lose weight, even persistent 10lbs, it is belly laughs, after half an hour one can lose 100 calories, I think I got it right. Just trying to help, I have never had that problem, my other is on a lose weight thingy as well.. goooood luuuuckk!!!!!

  44. This post made me smile. You’ve got lots of company. There are still ten days to go to firm up resolutions (till end of January, like THE Queen accepts birthday wishes all month long). I wouldn’t use a fitbit if you paid me. Tried no yeast/baking powder and no dairy? It’s supposed to take at least a month to show results 😦 Getting kidnapped is a bit of an extreme solution 🙂

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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