Position Available Immediately

BTW, WTF do they want? And how much $ are they paying?

BTW, WTF do they want? And how much $ are they paying?

I guess the job market is looking brighter these days. People are talking about minimum wage not being so minuscule and unemployment rates are holding steady, if not inching down. That’s good.

Maybe that’s why my mind wafted toward jobs in this week’s 100-word flash fiction post as part of Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers writing challenge. 

Wait just a minute, Girly. I didn't pop over here to read some boring economics lecture.

Wait just a minute, Girly. I didn’t pop over here to read some boring economics lecture.

 

Don’t worry. I think you’ll like this one. It’s different. Not a bit of dialogue in it.  It’s not even a story. And I tried to keep it on the light side this time.

Have I got you curious?

This week’s photo prompt comes to us from Claire Fuller. She’s a regular contributor to the Fictioneers.

I had a dickens of a time trying to figure out this photo. What do you make of it?

I had a dickens of a time trying to figure out this photo. What do you make of it?

 

Position Available Immediately

 

Central Data Coordinator: To organize, manage, review, protect, fabricate, destroy, and otherwise manipulate permanent records of all American citizens and foreign nationals as instructed by operatives of WAG (We Are Good), a wholly independent umbrella agency overseeing the US government.

Skills: exquisite attention to detail, ability to follow instructions without considering consequences, complete discretion, works well while being recorded.

Requirements: US citizen, parents US citizens, and all grandparents US citizens; welcomes brainwashing/intensive training; must love red, white, and blue; loners and cat-lovers preferred. Female and minority applicants are encouraged to apply, but we all know that’s pointless.

*****

A bit cynical for me, I know. But these flashy fictiony challenges tap into secret parts of me…or maybe they invite in a different kind of muse. A feisty muse. Oh dear.

I may be adorable, but I'm rascally, too. If you don't watch out, I might surprise you...

I may be adorable, but I’m rascally, too. If you don’t watch out, I might surprise you…

Do you ever find a surprising voice (or muse) popping out of you at the most unexpected times? Do tell!

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 27, 2015.

88 Responses to “Position Available Immediately”

  1. Neat. Never seen anything like that! 😳

  2. The photo is of “compactor” shelving or cabinetry. Google “compactor shelving system” to see many more examples.

    You lay railroad track on the floor of a giant room, you put all the bookshelves and/or specimen cabinets on the tracks, and you use the cranks to move a single aisle around to wherever you need it.

    Helps keep vermin out of the stacks and optimizes use of space.

  3. Yes, the voices/muse pops out of my head and into my character’s dialogue. Helps keep me out of trouble. 🙂

  4. I know. I wonder if he meant to be a prophet…?

  5. Sounds like “1984” to me. Reread that last year and it’s become practically a documentary.

  6. I just post the fake jobs, Tots; I don’t have anything to do with the fake hiring process! 😉 But I’d surely pay you more than 9 an hour…

  7. Don’t think that’s the job for me. I don’t even think there’s such a thing as minority anymore, not that that would encourage me. But my feeling about that, I’ll reserve for myself. I’d like to apply for job for wearing red. I’ll settle for only 9.00 an hour with it being an easy peasy job and all.

  8. No, it wouldn’t! 🙂

  9. Thanks. I think that, for jobs like these, people are placed into them rather than apply for them!

  10. Scary job description, loved the story, well done.

  11. That is funny. It certainly wouldn’t get passed our fair employment opportunities board.

  12. 🙂 ❤

  13. Thanks! I hope no one bites at this one! 😉

  14. I wonder how many applicants they’ll get. Love the tone – very good.

  15. Blushing and sending super hugs.
    Thank you.😍

  16. Nice rounded chap you are!

  17. Very true … but being a neighbor helps … plus, growing up across from West Virginia (thus their dialect) helped my linguistics.

  18. Good morning to you!
    Still…not all are fluent in their neighbour’s lingo!

  19. As a matter of full disclosure, keep in mind that Cincinnati borders Kentucky …Heck, the airport is on that side of the river. … and Good Morning!

  20. That is for sure!

  21. … and I must say I provided a good translation!

  22. Indeed!

  23. … OH … with the fact I understand Kentuckian?

  24. You kill me, Frank!

  25. There is something for everyone out there if you just look!
    What a hoot!

  26. “We Are Good”..that cracked me up!

  27. Dripping with irony. 🙂

  28. This was an interesting take, very original I liked it. You also scared the bejesus out of me, NSA reading again my non important emails…..

  29. I loved this and laughed through the entire thing. And what is with that first sign? Wha??? My favorite…Works well when being recorded…perfect! This is a gem, Lorna. I like this feisty side of you. I hope FF brings out different sides of me. I hope so.

  30. Why, that’s exactly the same as my job description! How did you get it? Funny!

  31. I don’t deal in muses. I deal with a creative basement. I toss my life into the basement and stories crawl out. Surprises? All the time!

  32. Yeah, right.

  33. Frank translated for me, but now I can’t remember…it’s somewhere in the comments section. As for snarky writing, it’s my crazy muse who pops in during these odd moments. Not me, never me!

  34. LOL

  35. Thanks, Ms. Izzy. I loved your piece. So full of emotion from a very stark photo–that takes talent!

  36. Gee, thanks. Should have thought of that before I posted this, huh? 😐

  37. Thanks, Claire. Your photo has inspired some really neat stories!

  38. Strictly forbidden! The only recording devises allowed are theirs, not yours. 😉

  39. I’m sure your government has jobs like this, too…wait…I hope they don’t!

  40. In this kind of job, does it really matter? 😉

  41. Go for it. I hope you don’t get any applicants for this job, though! 😉

  42. Makes no sense to me, either…maybe its not supposed to.

  43. Thanks for the translation! I can see why they needed to abbreviate all that. 🙂

  44. Enjoyed the way you used the opening pic as a lead into your story … and yes, it was cynical … but that’s OK.

    I know some Kentuckian, so here goes –
    Help wanted
    Part time front desk and housekeeping
    Full time banquet setup

  45. Love the word smush but be careful not to get squished when they smush.
    Meanwhile Lorna your post is indeed rascally and cute. Why does Friday Fiction come from a different part of the brain – mine is about cupcakes. Why oh why? And equally cynical.

  46. I have to write job descriptions frequently. Mind if I file this one away for future reference?

  47. But you’re being recorded to ensure satisfaction. I’m not sure if it yours or theirs, but someone is getting off on it.

  48. 😀

  49. I was about to pack my suitcase until I saw the US citizen bit! Oh well.

    Rosey Pinkerton’s blog

  50. Where can I apply? Can I take a selfie while working too?

  51. That’s a scary job advert. Great idea from the picture.

  52. If they didn’t have a file on you before, they probably do now.
    Good piece.

  53. As always, thinking outside the box. I like the skill requirements – ability to follow instructions without considering consequences. hehe Sounds like the perfect job for a scatter brain. You found humor and inspiration in a very uninviting photo prompt. I went totally boring and common. Boo – Hoo for me. I wasn’t happy but I wanted to keep myself in the game.
    Good job, Ms. Lorna. 😎

  54. Oh this is fun. You are definitely on top when it comes to snarky writing, Lorna. What DO they want in that first billboard!?

  55. Kind of counterintuitive, huh? Unless, of course, the “extensive experience” is in gaming!

  56. Well, I may have exagerrated a bit, but the ads you see here all require you fit into a young, dynamic team and have extensive experience.

  57. Very true, in many instances, I am sure.

  58. I’ve only seen it once! They work remarkably well, though.

  59. I know what you mean about writing seriously and feeling as if another person is writing. And, yes, that last bit about women and minorities…I often wonder how true that really is. 😉

  60. Of course we are! 🙂

  61. I’ll buy a ticket on that tour! 🙂

  62. I’m afraid you may be right…

  63. Whenever I try to write seriously …
    I love the cordial invitation to female and minority critters.

  64. I’m afraid it’s done.

  65. That would make my whole life explainable, but currently it remains a mystery tour in search of gainful employment ha ha ha

  66. I believe you’ve found your calling, my friend. Now, if only someone would pay you for it! 🙂

  67. 20? Really? I know a few people older than that who would qualify… 😐

  68. Haha, once again we’re in the same boat. 😉

  69. Nah. I’m a dog person and I don’t work well while being recorded…

  70. You’re right. I know people who are so serious about their beliefs that they have no room for humor. 😐

  71. I wouldn’t dare to even venture a guess!

  72. Oh really? I want to hear more!

  73. Ya think? 😉

  74. Not my kind of job, either. I don’t perform well while being recorded! 😉

  75. Claire revealed what they were. I’ve never seen shelving like this in any library before.

  76. Thanks! I was scratching my head over this photo, then it came to me when Clair revealed that they were file cabinets in a library. 🙂

  77. Thanks, Pal. I’ll remember this when they’re interrogating me and I have to give up the names of any suspicious characters I’ve met in the past. Anyone who plays Pickle fits the bill as far as I’m concerned!

  78. I forwarded this post to the NSA. They have a great sense of humor there.

  79. Very good! Sounds like just the job for me – except I’m not American. Boo 🙂
    A very fun and inventive take on the prompt. Take what’s usually “between the lines” and put it right out there!

  80. Great ad

    And I actually do know what that picture is there is a type of bookshelf in well-heeled libraries that smush together using an intricate but quite easy to use system. This allows room for more shelving you turn the crank to separate or smush together shelves to get what you need they may only be used for periodicals, though, as they were in the medical journal library at the WHO.

  81. Dear Lorna,

    I think I’ll apply elsewhere. 😉 Nicely done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  82. I’m pretty sure those position exist.. but the job-adds are less honest.

  83. My muse isn’t as nice as nice as I am. Sometimes I don’t like her at all.

  84. Do you have any serious idea what that first job is? Not going to search the web, lol. 🙂

  85. You’ve got to love satire! I’ll bet if you posted this in certain publications, though, you’d be inundated with applications from people whose overdeveloped sense of blinkered patriotism is matched only by their underdeveloped sense of irony.

  86. Did you apply for the job yet?

  87. ROFL. Taking these horrible job ads ad absurdum, wonderful. The word limit probably permits to add the age requirement (around 20), and all the qualifications the person needs to have.

  88. In my early twenties I applied for a job as a “lighthouse keeper” with Her Majesties Coastguards, I received a letter back from a gentleman with an impressively senior naval ranking, in which he laid out the requirements necessary for the job I wanted in some detail, He ended his letter, “It would therefore seem that you are quite incapable of doing the job for which you have applied” which I found so amusing that I have remembered it to this say. The same also applies to the posts you detail in your post. No doubt, one day, my perfect job will reveal itself to me !

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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