Crime in Portlandia. I’m Not too Worried.

Hey! This is my land. Git yer arse away from here before I figure out how ta git my head outta my fence and point the business end of myself at yer sorry self.

Typical rural criminal dispute: Hey! This is my land. Git yer arse away from here before I figure out how ta git my head outta my fence and point the business end of myself at yer sorry self.

I moved from a rural area to a highly populated one.

Logic told me that big cities=big danger.

But crime happens everywhere, right?

It’s just that when you pack a bunch of people together, more crime happens. It just makes sense.

If this isn't already a crime scene, just wait a few moments.

If this isn’t already a crime scene, just wait a few moments.

So I read my local paper to keep abreast of the crime I should be worried about.

Or not worried about.

Yup. Everyday it seems that some body (as opposed to somebody) is missing or found mysteriously lifeless (as opposed to just needing to get a life).

Suspiciously dead bodies are turning up in rivers, lakes, fields, mountains, bike paths, parks…you name it. I’m thinking all this emphasis on going outside because it’s so nice is backfiring.

Oh sure, people are dying inside, too. But they did that back in New York. We just have a different kind of criminal out here in Portlandia. Crime plays out here.

Go on. Take a closer look over the edge. Don't be afraid...Let me help you so you don't...oh! Oh, no! He slipped. Poor guy! You two should go down and see if he's all right. That's right! Over you go! So long, suckahs! Now all I have to do is get off of this god-forsaken trail. Give me a beer and a big screen TV. This outdoor crap is for the birds!

Go on. Take a closer look over the edge. Don’t be afraid…Let me help you so you don’t…oh! Oh, no! He slipped. Poor guy! You two should go down and see if he’s all right. That’s right! Over you go! So long, suckahs! Now all I have to do is get off of this God-forsaken trail. Give me a beer and a big screen TV. This outdoor crap is for the birds!

And it’s not just the murderers who are hijinksing things up.

Someone stole a summer cabin. Yup. The whole cabin.

The owners had to put up posters to help the police with their efforts at finding the darned thing. You know, the kind of posters you put up when your dog, cat or grandfather go missing…

Yeah. This kind of poster, only is says "stolen" not "missing."

Yeah. This kind of poster, only it says “stolen” not “missing.”

And then there was the armed bank robber who never reported in to his halfway house while on probation, so he was wanted for a federal probation violation. I’m not making this up. His name is Jason Strange and he did kind of a strange thing that got him caught and put safely back in the lock-up.

Apparently he wasn’t just a dangerous criminal; he was a stupid criminal and a wanna-be actor. So he went for it and got a leading role in a low-budget horror film being shot locally. Click on the image and you’ll go to the where you can see details of the film. It actually got made!

Here is the description of the movie: When a girl goes to get an IUD implanted by a distant relative, he commits a deranged act which has deadly implications for those close to her. Staring: Jason Strange, Katie Hamming, Lisa van Dam-Bates...

Here is the description of the movie: When a girl goes to get an IUD implanted by a distant relative, he commits a deranged act which has deadly implications for those close to her. Strange is the doctor who implants the IUD. ICK!

A local newspaper covered the filming of the movie and a picture of Strange on the set was in the paper. This kind of clued local law enforcement as to Strange’s whereabouts. He was picked up in a restaurant near the shooting location. I don’t think he was armed with anything but a criminally terrible script at the time of his arrest.

If only I had the kind of imagination that could make this kind of stuff up.

If only I had the kind of imagination that could make this kind of stuff up.

Yes, I just upgraded my windows to heavy-duty, safer windows and I keep my doors and windows locked.

Not because of all the criminals out there, though.

It’s all the children in my too-close-for-comfort neighborhood who scream, ride anything that rolls our bounces, and run amok in kiddie gangs unsupervised by anything resembling parents/guardians/guide dogs. I need protection and insulation from them.

So, that’s it for now.

Don't disturb me. I'm meditating. Maybe I'll figure out why the Blog Awards are such a problem for me.

Don’t disturb me. I’m contemplating how a convicted criminal can become an actor while I still haven’t made it the big time. Maybe I’m not dressing for success…

 

How about any strange or interesting news from your neck of the woods/urban jungle?

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 6, 2015.

31 Responses to “Crime in Portlandia. I’m Not too Worried.”

  1. I do love your community spirit Lorna, you ought to form a group with you at the head..not sure what but I bet it would be a howling success.

  2. Not really. I suppose for the age-old reason: it was there?

  3. My mind is filled to the rafters with house/construction puns, but I’m going to insulate you from them. See? I do have a heart!

  4. I’m glad they found it. Is the thief under house arrest? (ba-dum, dum)

  5. Guess it makes a change from weary owners having to make their way back to their property.

    It’s an odd but very amusing incident (although I guess it’s a crime too, which isn’t so good). DId you ever learn why someone wanted to “borrow” the hut in the first place?

  6. 😐

  7. Oh, perfect pun! 🙂 Actually the posters worked. It found it’s way back to its owners.

  8. Very mysterious about that cabin. Hope someone can shed light on it.

  9. Oh I hope not!

  10. Yes, ugly crime here, too. Last night, oddly enough, Phil had his car window smashed and his briefcase stolen. He was in Portland for a business dinner. Parked in a lighted, paid parking lot, too. I hope this tongue-in-cheek post on crime didn’t curse him/us! 😐

  11. Love those stories of stupid criminals–sadly, here, crimes are not so fun. Way too many related to child abuse, domestic violence, and underlying all, drugs. Which is why we never go downtown.

  12. Well said. 😐

  13. Human beans are truly sick legumes.

  14. Thus was it everywhere. My guy had a business dinner in Portland last night. He came out of the restaurant to find that the back window of his car was smashed and his satchel stolen. Where there are people, there will be crime.

  15. Yes it does. A bonus of moving here I did not anticipate… 🙂

  16. I’ll say!

  17. Wise words, Uncle Al. Now, do I owe you a “favor?”

  18. Ha! Hate to tell you, but the cabin was recovered, so you’ll have to be more clever than the thieves who nabbed this darling little place! 😉

  19. Yes, I was stunned. Even more stunned that the movie is actually out and people are watching it. It must be awful!

  20. School isn’t starting soon enough!

  21. Yes, people are weird. That’s the whole point of my little posts about these off-the-wall crimes in Portlandia. At least this cabin was vacant and…good news…they found it!

  22. Yes, this is one aspect of moving here I didn’t anticipate. Quite fun, really!

  23. The strange and interesting from Oregon. Always a joy!

  24. I’ve become obsessed with tiny houses on trailers. It’s my someday-when-I-retire dream to move around the country in one, but only if I have a real house as a home base. Having it stolen is a very real fear – I read about somebody who had that happen, and they were living in it.

    People are weird, aren’t they?

  25. Most criminals are caught because they don’t think they’ll get caught.
    Can you imagine going to the same restaurant and not knowing a criminal is eating at the next table? It’s eery. 😳Then again, who know anything about anyone …???
    I have a neighbor that has her grandkids for the summer. I suppose it helps with sitting costs for her son. The kids scream and jump in the pool all day. It is impossible to sleep or rest when you’re trying to recover from surgery. AND … this is a very quiet country setting neighborhood. When is school starting ???? 😀

  26. I’ve started volunteering at the local radio station and I’m expecting to become an expert on local ways and folklore. I’ll keep you posted, but a criminal becoming an actor while still committing crimes takes a bit to beat…

  27. I’m looking for a house too… this sounds a quick easy and literally fool-proof way…

  28. Just because that guy who lives two houses down wears a fedora, likes striped sweaters and is named Freddy Kreuger is no reason to get all het up about crime. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Just check his manicure to be sure.

  29. Too funny. Must’ve been one very big purse!!! lol 🙂

  30. Too funny. Who and how does a house get stolen? And the “criminal” actor . . . rocks for brains! At least your town gives you great blog fodder.

  31. Unfortunately, in our neck-of-the-woods-turned-into-plantations-to-make-a-fast-buck, we get everything from the criminally stupid and avaricious (politicians) to the scarier-than-Dracula drug-sozzled vicious.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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