Crime in Portlandia. I’m Not too Worried.
I moved from a rural area to a highly populated one.
Logic told me that big cities=big danger.
But crime happens everywhere, right?
It’s just that when you pack a bunch of people together, more crime happens. It just makes sense.
So I read my local paper to keep abreast of the crime I should be worried about.
Or not worried about.
Yup. Everyday it seems that some body (as opposed to somebody) is missing or found mysteriously lifeless (as opposed to just needing to get a life).
Suspiciously dead bodies are turning up in rivers, lakes, fields, mountains, bike paths, parks…you name it. I’m thinking all this emphasis on going outside because it’s so nice is backfiring.
Oh sure, people are dying inside, too. But they did that back in New York. We just have a different kind of criminal out here in Portlandia. Crime plays out here.
And it’s not just the murderers who are hijinksing things up.
Someone stole a summer cabin. Yup. The whole cabin.
The owners had to put up posters to help the police with their efforts at finding the darned thing. You know, the kind of posters you put up when your dog, cat or grandfather go missing…
And then there was the armed bank robber who never reported in to his halfway house while on probation, so he was wanted for a federal probation violation. I’m not making this up. His name is Jason Strange and he did kind of a strange thing that got him caught and put safely back in the lock-up.
Apparently he wasn’t just a dangerous criminal; he was a stupid criminal and a wanna-be actor. So he went for it and got a leading role in a low-budget horror film being shot locally. Click on the image and you’ll go to the where you can see details of the film. It actually got made!
A local newspaper covered the filming of the movie and a picture of Strange on the set was in the paper. This kind of clued local law enforcement as to Strange’s whereabouts. He was picked up in a restaurant near the shooting location. I don’t think he was armed with anything but a criminally terrible script at the time of his arrest.
Yes, I just upgraded my windows to heavy-duty, safer windows and I keep my doors and windows locked.
Not because of all the criminals out there, though.
It’s all the children in my too-close-for-comfort neighborhood who scream, ride anything that rolls our bounces, and run amok in kiddie gangs unsupervised by anything resembling parents/guardians/guide dogs. I need protection and insulation from them.
So, that’s it for now.
How about any strange or interesting news from your neck of the woods/urban jungle?
~ by Lorna's Voice on August 6, 2015.
Posted in A Day In My Life, Funny News, Humor, Portlandia
Tags: braying donkey, crime plays, crime waiting to happen, hikers, how do people get discovered anyway, low budget horror film, nature deaths, people crammed in telephone booth, Portlandia, rural crime, stolen cottage, stupid criminal, the not-so-great outdoors, unsupervised hyperactive kids