It’s Only a Matter of Time…DUH!

Cemeteries are great places for photo opps...

Cemeteries are great places for photo opps…

I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with death.

Not in the way I’m obsessed with, say, always filling my Britta water filter pitcher to the brim or making sure the charge on my cell phone, laptop, and Kindle Fire batteries never gets below, um, 100%.

Let’s just say, notions of my own demise interest me in that I would like to:

1. forestall any haste to that inevitability since life is going pretty well right now

2. make sure I don’t have any more serious system failures causing me to go undercover and buy some of that legal pot available in my state

This is how I plan to remain anonymous. Ingenious, huh?

This is how I plan to try pot AND remain anonymous. Ingenious, huh?

3. look really good as I (hopefully) slowly decay

So I was really interested when I learned about this short internet quiz telling me my chances of dying in the next 5 years.

Yup. You heard me right.

I was all over that quiz like hair plugs on Kevin Costner.

Math question on the SATs: If an actress runs her hands through Kevin Costner's hair in September 2006, how much more hair will she have in her fingers than if she runs her hands through his hair in March of 2007? Assume the same rate of hand running.

Math question on the SATs: If an actress runs her hands through Kevin Costner’s hair in September 2006, how much more hair will she have in her fingers than if she runs her hands through his hair in March of 2007? Assume the same rate of hand running.

Just so you know, the quiz comes from the UK. Apparently they do research there, too.

Based on 11-13 questions, this quiz-ette tells you your risk of dying within the next 5 years from any cause.

That’s a big claim for knowing so little about a person.

In the US, we want to know everything about you. Heck, we tap your phones, read your emails, and surveil your house. And we don’t care when you’re going to die. We just want to know what you’re having for breakfast.

Let's see. Looks like Lorna has just finished her brisk morning walk and she's reaching into her stainless steel refrigerator to get...wait for it...the, um, yes! The blueberry smoothie! We have confirmation on the blueberry smoothie.

Let’s see. Looks like Lorna has just finished her brisk morning walk and she’s reaching into her stainless steel refrigerator to get…wait for it…the, um, yes! The blueberry smoothie! We have confirmation on the blueberry smoothie.

But, apparently, researchers in the UK can know very little about us, yet they can tell us when we’re going to die.

Curious? I was.

So I took the quiz.

It didn’t take very long.

If you have three minutes, you should take it, too. But you may need longer to recover from the results.

I did.

Full disclosure: I’m 57 (and a half). My calculated risk age is 62 and the chances of me dying in the next 5 years is 3.1%.

I can handle the 3.1%, but 62? Come on! I didn’t even get to submit a photo.

They asked:

1. my age (we’re starting off on the wrong foot here)

2. sex (what, not how much)

3. number of children (is only having one super great kid a problem?)

4. how much tobacco I smoke now (none…wait…is pot considered tobacco, I mean, IF I decide to try it?)

5. if I ever smoked tobacco (never)

6. rate my overall health (had to say “good” not “excellent” because I’m still dizzy and, you, know, the hemorrhoid thing)

7. do I have a long-standing illness or disability (hello! chronic fatigue!)

8. my walking pace (score one for me–brisk, Baby!)

9. have I seen a GP for nerves, anxiety, depression or tension (um, who hasn’t? Have you seen the news?)

No wonder so many people are out of work on these beautiful summer days!

No wonder so many people are out of work on these beautiful summer days! This is scary stuff!

10. has a doctor told you that you have cancer (odd way of asking this question: yes, but I don’t? no, but I do?)

11. to check off a series of major life stressors, both physical and emotional that happened in the past 2 years (none, whew! But 5 years ago, well…)

12. am I receiving financial assistance (yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m poor, sheesh! My ex-husband owes me that money!)

Do you think this is a valid test of whether or not I’m headed to the mortuary in 5 years?

Looks like she was one of the unlucky three in a 100...

Looks like she was one of the unlucky three in a 100…R.I.P.

Why don’t you take the test and tell me your results.

Maybe you’ll feel different after you take it. Maybe…

I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on June 17, 2015.

30 Responses to “It’s Only a Matter of Time…DUH!”

  1. I don’t know Lorna. Some of your answers are pretty troubling.

  2. 🙂

  3. 10% chance of going home

  4. Oh, Liz, you are way too kind! But what a way to go, huh? 🙂

  5. I think your readers are in great danger – we’re all going to die laughing!

  6. Being in the UK I came across that quiz but, unlike you, I wasn’t brave enough to do it. I suppose I just want to cling to the idea that I will live forever with health and true friends as my companion. Perhaps I need to find another quiz which asks the question, “How sane are you ?

  7. Yeah, I thought of that. Weight is a biggie. I enjoy those crazy tests though.

  8. Thanks. I will. 🙂

  9. Nothing surprises me anymore…well, I shouldn’t say that. I still startle pretty easily!

  10. I’d rather be surprised! 😉

  11. Your results are fantastic. You go Girl…and go and go and go! 🙂

  12. Ha! Yes, I have little faith in this test. It didn’t even ask if I own a pet! What kind of test is that? And you’re right, a memory test is more appropriate, but I’d forget to take it! 😉

  13. I always loved taking these kinds of tests…for fun, that is! 😉

  14. I knew my laptop was rigged with a two-way camera. Skype is a clever tool of The Man! 😉 Oh, and thanks so much, Al…

  15. You sound a little paranoid about the surveillance stuff. You’ve been reading too many news reports. By the way, you look very nice in that outfit today….and I love what you’re doing your eye shadow….

  16. wouldn’t dream of taking the test, we’re superstitious down my way!

  17. The radio was full of it here, but I didn’t bother. I guess if a car runs you over that isn’t quite captured by the test… If it can scare anybody into being a bit healthier it might be worth it. I think a test to improve my memory would be more useful to me (soon I won’t remember if I’m alive…:)

  18. I don’t put much store by such tests, but I did it anyway. Happily my UbbLE age is ten years younger than I actually am, and my risk of dying in the next 5 years is 2.7%. I can cope with that. 😀
    P.S. If you’d submitted a photo, I’m sure your result would have been drastically different. xx

  19. I love the way you think! Rock on, Sista!

  20. Good for you! But how can those vague questions predict anything? They didn’t ask anything about nutrition. I mean, really…

  21. That’s what I think…

  22. Thanks, J! I try to fun, and bring a few people along for the ride with me! 🙂

  23. Thanks! What’s life (or death) if you can’t have some fun with it?! 😉

  24. I know the feeling. If I were to do the test now, my chances for dying in the next 5 years would sky-rocket to 10%! 😐

  25. I’ll let yours be vicarious for me. Too tired to find out if I’m tired, lol. 🙂

  26. one question alone could anyone the percentages,, not brain surgery..I haven’t have that either.. typical from the UK….but I love your humour at it.. 😉

  27. I have a feeling we will be around for a very long time if only to annoy all those who might wish upon us an early demise. You taking the test is good enough for me. We think so much alike, no need to take it twice. Lol. Hugs and love to you! You comical woman, you, love your posts. 😊

  28. It lies.

  29. Okay–even with my chronic condition (kidney transplant) they said my age was 5 years less than what it is and my chances of croaking are 5.6…not bad for a 71 year old. (of course they didn’t ask what the chronic condition is)

    But then what really matters is living in the NOW, isn’t it!

    Kinda fun though, if the results were really bad, it might not be.

  30. Don’t believe everything you read or test. You have megga years ahead-let the fun begin.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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