Yup, that's me.

Yup, that’s me. I do look younger than most nearly 58-year-old women, don’t I? Or am I deluding myself, which women my age often do…

I often forget how old I am.

Just the other day, I asked Phil, “How fifty am I exactly?”

Okay, I may look younger than I am, but I have the confused mind of exactly how old I am (an almost 58-year old).

How do I maintain this youthful, non-photo-shopped, non-surgically-altered appearance?

It’s no secret.

1. I get plenty of sleep.

2. I avoid people stress.

3. I walk briskly for an hour every day.

4. I avoid the sun.

5. I never smoked (not even pot).

6. I don’t drink alcohol (and the 10 years that I was shizzle-faced on vodka doesn’t count because that was over 30 years ago and nothing over 30 years ago counts except for what your parents may or may not have done to you).

7. I don’t drink caffeine (oh, stop rolling your eyes–I’m just telling you how to look younger).

8. I’m vegan, which means that I don’t eat flesh or anything that came from a fleshy kindred soul.

9. I avoid processed foods including sugar.

10. I take a boat load of natural supplements.

There you have it!

Kind of.

I thought I was doing everything I could to stay as healthy as a person with chronic fatigue could.

I thought wrong.

This morning I saw this in my local newspaper.

I'm really considering not reading the local newspaper anymore.

I’m really considering not reading the local newspaper anymore.

What the yuck?

Women are actually eating their (or their baby’s) placenta for the immune-boosting power it’s supposed to have.

I repeat, what the yuck?

Chronic fatigue is a disease of the immune system. Never in a bazillion years would I have eaten portions of the afterbirth after the birth of my son. I don’t care if it was served with a nice Malbec from Australia, cooked to the peak of perfection and garnished to the hilt.

Cannibalism. Placenta Parfait. Where’s the line?

Sure, in this toxic world, we need all the immune boosters we can get, but this is going too far. This is where the Natural Nutrition train has gone off the tracks for me.

I’m not the only one grossed out by this who thinks so.

This article basically says that there’s no scientific evidence that eating placenta has any significantly positive effect on health.

Although I would imagine keeping a placenta pie in the refrigerator would have an amazingly powerful appetite-reduction effect on the entire family, thus helping with the obesity epidemic in America.

Plus, all these placenta platters have been served up deep-fried, baked, grilled, or otherwise cooked. Anyone who knows anything about natural foods knows that cooking things destroys the live nutrients. And that’s what the article says. Placenta Pudding has to be raw, Baby.

No yucking way!

I think I’ll keep up my established health routine and age as gracefully as I can.

I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

Oh.

I saw this in my newspaper, too.

Look closely. There is a "humanoid" performing exercises on the table.

Look closely. There is a “humanoid” performing exercises on the table and the “seniors” are supposed to follow along. I really need to take a class in taking pictures of pictures.

I could end up like these Dutch nursing home residents.

Not that I would go to the Netherlands to get warehoused, although who knows? I’ve been surprised before.

I was guessing the USA would quickly catch on to the idea of robots providing care and services to the elderly.

It’s perfect, right?

1. The initial cost of the equipment would be recovered quickly in cutting personnel who need those pesky benefits.

2. Americans value techy things over people, so this is a total no-brainer.

3. If Robo-Aide breaks down, no biggie. I mean, who is going to notice? We’re talking nursing home residents, People.

4. No need for in-services or Human Resources counselors when residents “pass.” Robo-Aides don’t get “attached” to anyone (unless they have claws that malfunction).

Don’t worry about me, People.

Phil and I have an agreement.

Before I’m ready to be shipped off to a nursing home where some robot will be leading a chair-yoga session, I’m going to eat a whole vanilla cake with buttercream frosting and have a triple-shot Caramel Macchiato. If the sugar and caffeine buzz doesn’t kill me, I’ll sit in the sun from 10:00 until 2:00 with a bunch of screaming children and do it all again.

That should do it.

I'm not sweatin' to the oldies with R2D2.

I’m not sweatin’ to the oldies with r2d2.

What is oddest thing you’ve ever done or heard about in the name of good health or nutrition?