I needed a photo to weed out any unsavory types who may have been tempted to read this post regardless of my cleverly titled warning. This should do it.

I needed a photo to weed out any unsavory types who may have been tempted to read this post regardless of my cleverly titled warning. This should do it.

Since I carefully titled this post, I feel confident that you have no Americanus Destructimundo Fancifications I need to worry about.

So read on.

Americans love nothing better than trendy stuff.

Well, let’s be real. Americans really love lots of stuff.

They love:

1. Sugar

2. Humongous gas-guzzling off-road vehicles that they never drive off-road

3. Trucks (see #2)

4. Sugar

5. Guns

6. Cheese

7. Large-screen TVs

8. Reality TV shows they watch on large-screen TVs

9. Meat

10. Freedom to eat sugar, cheese, meat, sugar, drive gas-guzzling vehicles, carry guns, buy large-screen TVs for watching reality TV shows

11. Looking in the mirror

12. Mirrors

13. Anything that starts with Mc (McDonalds, McMansions, McNews, McChurch…)

14. Sugar

15. Trendy stuff

See? Trendy stuff is on the list of things Americans really love.

So I was thinking (always a dangerous thing)…

If you wanted to mess with Americans, mess with one of our trendy things.

The resulting chaos would be, well, totally chaotic.

Take kale.

Yes. I said kale.

Have you noticed how this dark green leafy abomination has been showing up in everything lately?

It’s the new “in” superfood, People. Kale is all the rage.

He used to be a big-time celeb. Now he's small potatoes. Why? He's pushing spinach, which is so uncool now that kale is around. Get with the program, Old Man.

He used to be a big-time celeb. Now he’s small potatoes. Why? He’s pushing spinach, which is so uncool now that kale is around. Get with the program, Old Man.

Kale is in soup, salad, pizza, chips, stew, crackers, shampoo, facial scrubs, decor–you name it.

For the ultimate "green" wedding, try a kale bouquet.

For the ultimate “green” wedding, try a kale bouquet.

Apparently we can’t live without kale.

Forget that it tastes like crap. It’s loaded with vitamins, fiber and dirt.

Imagine if some up-to-no-good-doers targeted the kale production and distribution system in America.

What would we do?

We can’t go back to spinach. Spinach is so yesterday. It’s wimpy and tasteless.

Just like spinach...so yesterday.

Just like spinach…so yesterday.

Spinach just sticks to your teeth; it doesn’t get wedged right in there, good and tight, like kale does.

There isn’t a variety of lettuce that stands up to kale. Heck, there isn’t a variety of corrugated cardboard that stands up to kale.

With the kale supply destroyed, nutritionists would have to find a new and equally unpalatable food to trick convince the public of its superior taste and health benefits. Kaleless children would cheer and run amok with joy. So would your less health-conscious adults.

We must avoid this pandemonium at all costs!

We must avoid this pandemonium at all costs!

We just couldn’t have that. The thugs would win.

The next time kale shows up in your life, just think about national security me and my social astute blog or just think of me.

This is serious, People.

Be afraid of kale, People. No. Wait. Be afraid of no kale. I'm confused. Just be afraid.

Be afraid of kale, People. No. Wait. Be afraid of no kale. I’m confused. Just to be safe, be afraid.