I simply prefer to focus on other things, like nothing.

I simply prefer to focus on other things, like nothing.

Avoiding the news is my hobby passion job.

Bad news, which is about the only kind that’s out there, makes me sick.

Literally.

I get stressed, which makes my immune system kersplode, which results in wonky symptoms no one can diagnose but are really irritating and often itchy.

And that malady is the least of my worries.

And that malady is the least of my worries.

But I just can’t stay away from one section of my new local newspaper, The Columbian. I read the section that covers local news.

That’s where I find out all kinds of, um, funky monkey hooliganistics that are just too trippy-dippy to keep to myself.

I know I shouldn't be spreading any gossip, Bertha, but, golly, I done all my housework and Harry don't pay me no nevermind.

I know I shouldn’t be spreading any gossip, Bertha, but, golly, I done all my housework and Harvey don’t pay me no nevermind.

Some of these are a bit dated because, well, I was busy helping some authors promote their books, learning how to turn off my fancy new camera, and getting lost in traffic.

And you thought libraries were boring…

A former (and very popular) 19-year-old freshman recorded an adult film in Oregon State University’s library. The film showed her undressing  at (on?) a table in a section of the library labeled “Geography, Anthropology, and Recreation.” At least she picked an appropriate section of the library to shoot the film. I wonder if she got extra credit in her porn film class before they expelled her for public indecency?

There she is. You can tell that she's a freshman. A student with more porn film class experience would have dressed in something a bit more tasteful.

There she is. You can tell that she’s a freshman. A student with more porn film class experience would have dressed in something a bit more tasteful.

In Pendleton, Oregon, librarians have had a dickens of a time keeping books about the occult and Satanism on the shelves. They just seem to disappear and are never returned. Does your public library have books on Satanism? Mine never did when I was a kid. At the same time, test preparation books are going missing in action. Some kids will do anything to get into college. I had to get into college the old-fashioned way…with an Ouija board my mom bought me.

Consider this for next year’s day of romance

There’s not much worse…okay, there are lots of things worse, but work with me, People…than spending Valentine’s Day alone.

Worry not, you Lonely Hearts with a penchant for dirt, gas, and extremely loud noise.

Around these parts, Monster Jam Truck show organizers threw in a speed dating event in a tent behind their Monster Truck Rally on Feb. 14.

Yep. An hour before the Monster Truck show began, people 21 and over could try to find the Monster Truck Love of His/Her Life in a minute or less.

He looks like he's ready for some lovin'.

He looks like he’s ready for some lovin’.

Sounds exhausting to me, but whatever sparks your plugs…

Adding insult to insult

As if being a homeless meth-head wasn’t bad enough, the Oregon Court of Appeals ruled that this dude had no right to privacy when two officers looked under his tarp to find him holding a meth pipe. What is this country coming to when a homeless person isn’t king of his own tarp?

Barney Fife reincarnated

In Vancouver, Washington, a man was taken to the hospital after shooting himself in the pinky finger with his 45-caliber handgun. There is no way to explain this wound and have it look good for this guy. Is there a less masculine place to shoot yourself than in the pinky finger? How do you even do that? He said it happened in his bedroom. The gun “slipped” when he was unloading it. Something isn’t adding up.

You see here? A gun's nothing you play around with. It's serious business and you have to be a rained professional like me to handle one. Not everyone can be trusted with a dangerous weapon like this.

You see here? A gun’s nothing you play around with. It’s serious business and you have to be a trained professional like me to handle one. You could wind up hurtin’ someone real bad if you’re not careful.

 

 I’ll keep scanning the paper and let you know about what’s happening in my neck of the woods.
You do the same, ya hear?