The Big Tease


No, no, no. I don't mean that kind of tease.

No, no, no. I don’t mean that kind of tease.

Don’t you just love hate it when supposedly helpful and informative magazines tease you with ads that look like articles?

And doesn’t it make you laugh madder when those tricky marketizing hooliganians lure you with the promise of information you really need but they won’t deliver unless you pay up?

I recently saw one of these ad/articles.

You can't read all the fine print, which is okay. It'll just scare you. Plus, I'm going to tell you about some of it, anyway.

You can’t read all the fine print, which is okay. It’ll just scare you. Plus, I’m going to tell you about some of it, anyway.

This is kind of important info, right? Especially for people who have fewer years ahead of them than behind them. Like me. And maybe you.

Well, don’t panic. You can either buy the answers for $9.99 plus $3.00 shipping and handling for a publication called “What Every Senior Should Know: 1,267 Secrets to Living Well on a Fixed Income.” That’s an odd number of secrets, don’t you think?

Or you could rely on me to help reveal an even number of secrets posed in this Scare-Senior-Citizens-Straight-Into-A-Financial-Stroke ad.

Would I lead you astray?

I have a face you can trust, right?

I thought you’d trust me. When have I ever steered you wrong?

1. Who should you NEVER name as Beneficiary? Duh, yourself.

2. Boost Social Security check with little-known rule. Work until you’re 80. If you’re a pilot, maybe stop flying at 75 and become an air traffic controller until you’re 80.

3. Want to stay in your home for the rest of your life? How to age in place. Requires multiple locks on all doors and windows, a rocking chair, and a loaded shotgun.

4. Lower your thermostat and still stay warm at night. Only works for Seniors living close to the Equator.

5. Easy way to save $8,000 a year. Don’t spend $8,000 a year.

6. When are groceries the cheapest? Learn industry sales cycles. Groceries are the cheapest when they’ve reached their expiration date. If you’re a risk-taker, go for it! As for industry sales cycles, do you really think you need to spend your money on a new bicycle or motorcycle, sale or no? Take the bus, it’s safer.

7. Unless you put this one thing in your medical file, you could spend tens of thousands of dollars needlessly. A DNR (do not resuscitate order).

8. Have a carefree retirement by outsmarting manufacturers, minimizing taxes, and staying independent with money-saving resources. Requires watching every episode of “The Sopranos.”

9. Free legal help if you’re over 60 and income level doesn’t matter. Residence does matter, however. Must be a guest of the federal or state prison system.

10. Secret retirement filled with shows, concerts, sporting events, the ballet, even meals–without spending a dime. Well, someone is spending much more than a dime and you now report to a pimp nightly events planner. Must be flexible in more ways than one.

All of the highlighted “secrets” came, verbatim, from the ad. All of the answers came from me…free of charge.

Just remember, you get what you pay for.

Just remember, you get what you pay for.

I hope this helped you as you plan your retirement.

If you’re still young, it’s never too early to think about your twilight years. Or just share these tips with your parents or grandparents.

I’m sure they will thank you.

Or not.

Or not.

How do you feel about these ads that pose as articles? Are they good marketing strategies or annoying teasers?

~ by Lorna's Voice on December 5, 2014.

39 Responses to “The Big Tease”

  1. I turned 50 last year and saw the add for What Every Senior Should Know in Parade mag. Being a somewhat suspicious chap, I googled reviews and ended up here. Now I know the truth and all because of you. Thanks so much and happy new year.

    • That’s funny! I guess that’s why it’s called the web—you get caught up in it and you don’t know where you’ll end up. 🙂 Happy New Year and don’t be a stranger. I have all kinds of useless information I’m more than happy to share! 😉

  2. You just helped me fill my waste basket. Thanks for the laugh also. !!

  3. I like #3 😀

  4. All ads are annoying. I thank you for the giving me some answers, well, at least some chuckles. 😉

  5. Hilarious and much better than the advice they’ll give, I’m sure!

  6. Love the list … #5 is my fav … I’ve always liked “If you can’t afford the gas, don’t buy a car.”

  7. I don’t too much read the ads.r I’m like a kid who hasn’t learn to read yet, Just looking at the pictures. But they do pay a lotta money to be in those magazines. Thinking about it that way, I now feel obligated.

    So many of those ads read like pharmaceutical commercials now. Lotsa fine print I’d have to wear 2 pair of glasses to read.

  8. When I run across one of these teasers, I always get sucked in. I can’t help it.

  9. That aging in place one is nothing special. I’ve found that no matter what place I’m in, I still age there.

  10. Every one of these on your Free list of helpful hints for us all were outstanding! Plus the bonus of Free laughter, too! I liked the taking chances with groceries, the pilot to air controller at age 75-80 and the thought of #5 really resonates with me! ha ha!

  11. People the world over pedalling advice which is little more than generally available common sense. It is irritating I agree

  12. In the UK a lot of this is perfect advice.. hide your money under the mattress,, always sleep on it… no one will ever guess…

  13. Just forget the adds then it will not bother people. Lorna don’t fall into their power…

    • Oh, I don’t! This was just for fun. I’m always amazed at a publication like the AARP Bulletin including these kinds of marketing schemes. You’d think they would protect their members from this kind of thing. 😐

  14. hehehe! Yes…these ads are totally annoying…you on the other hand are endlessly entertaining!

  15. You won me over with that face that I can trust. Everything else was a blurrrrrr. 😉

  16. Ha, ha, Lorna you (do NOT) really have a future in advertising!

  17. I’m tired of everybody putting their hand in my pocket and trying to look all innocent!

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