Of course I've been planning. See? I'm checking to make sure the outlets are live so I can play my scary Halloween screamer music.

Of course I’ve been planning. See? I’m checking to make sure the outlets are live so I can play my scary Halloween screamer music.

I bet that you think you planned well ahead for one of America’s most favorite holidays.

No, not National Buffet Day. Halloween.

Repeat after me: Unlimited. Trips. To. The. Buffet. It's, like, Thanksgiving and all the other food-festival holidays rolled into one! Speaking of rolls...

Repeat after me: Unlimited. Trips. To. The. Buffet. It’s, like, Thanksgiving and all the other food-festival holidays rolled into one! Speaking of rolls…

1. You bought enough candy to create an up-tick in the childhood obesity epidemic.

Stay away from my candy or I'll eat you for lunch, you little Yapper.

Stay away from my candy or I’ll eat you for lunch, you little Yapper.

2. You bought or made your costume months ago just in case there was a last-minute run on fake blood.

3. You decorated your house with crap that will take weeks to replace with other holiday crap.

Okay, gang! Let's break this down and start putting up the animated Santa's Workshop and billion strands of lights. We haven't got all day!

Okay, gang! Let’s break this down and start putting up the animated Santa’s Workshop, inflatable snowpeople, and at least a billion strands of lights. We haven’t got all day!

But I bet you didn’t think this far ahead (pardon the absolutely perfect pun)…

Somehow the pumpkins are grown in a mold and come out looking like this. No carving necessary!

Somehow the pumpkins are grown in a mold and come out looking like this. No carving necessary!

If you want to find out more so you can be better prepared for next year, check out this NY Times article.

In other kind of related news…

As this high sugar, fat, carb, caloric-intake time of the year is upon us until after January when we’re bombarded byΒ ads for all the diet programs and products, I heard some disturbing news.

Crash-test dummies are being super-sized.

Yup.

The old ones were too skinny (170 pounds) to accurately reflect the average American driver, so Humanetics (the maker of these dummies) upped the weight to 273 with a BMI of 35. Β “Normal” BMI is between 18.5 and 25; “overweight” is between 25 and 30. Mine is 22.3–at least one thing about me is normal.

Yeah, I've got curves, but I work at keeping them contained.

Yeah, I’ve got curves, but I work at keeping them contained.

 

If you want to calculate your Body Mass Index, click here.

If this is the new standard for air bags, too, I'm in trouble. weight 135. Those suckers are going to blast me through the seat into yesterday.

If this is the new standard for air bags, too, I’m in trouble. I weigh 135. Those suckers are going to blast me through the seat into yesterday.

Do you think the solution to keeping Americans safer is to make crash test dummies obese?

Do you think red is the best color for this dummy?

Why is Slim Dummy naked and Chunky Dummy wearing a sporty outfit? Maybe he now has pockets for snacks. He probably texts while driving, too. What do you think?

Happy Halloween, People! Hope I didn’t spoil things (like all that candy) for you!