I feel best when I know for sure that I am  am fairly confident that I will  have no idea, but try my gosh-darnedest to make other people feel good.

At least for a little while.

So, today, I went digging for some zany, but true, things that were in the news.

You may have missed them because, well, major news outlets like to focus on horrific, but true, things people do.

I’d rather not. I figure you come here to get away from all that awful shizzle. Am I right?

Are you ready?

You Can’t Judge a Book by Its Expert. Pamplona, Spain. July 9. The co-author of the book entitled, “Fiesta: How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona” was gored by one of those randy bulls. He tripped and was poked in the thigh by the bull. I’m guessing “Don’t trip.” was like his first chapter.

As a self-respecting bull, I tend not to go for authors. They're such easy pickings. But this guy was just asking for it.

As a self-respecting bull, I tend not to go for authors. They’re such easy pickings. But this guy was just asking for it.

Man Asks Dog to be his Designated Driver. Oconee County, Florida, July 7. A Georgia man was drunk when explaining to an officer why his dog was sitting in a hot car while he was in the store buying corn (probably to eat and not to make moonshine, but you never know). He said he had been drinking and his dog drove him to the store. He was just trying to do the responsible thing. So was the officer who arrested him for DUI and animal cruelty.

Need a lift when you've had a few too many? Call Hot Diggity Dog Transportation. Our noses are better than our eyes, but we'll get you there one way or the other.

Need a lift when you’ve had a few too many? Call Hot Diggity Dog Transportation. Our noses are better than our eyes, but we’ll get you there one way or the other.

New UFO Pad Now Open for Business. Hawaii. Here’s about the only reason I wouldn’t want to live in Hawaii. My tax dollars just went to build an 80-foot landing pad specifically designed for UFOs. The idea is that if you build it, they will come. My question: what makes this round landing pad so appealing to alien ships? I think we should all go to Hawaii and check this out, don’t you?

Oh, why not? You know I've always wanted to go to Hawaii...

Oh, why not? You know I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii…

Man Makes “Personal” Deposits in Bank Lobby, Smell of Money Disappears. Andover, England. July 1. A bank is where business is conducted. A man had some serious “business” to do. He walked into the bank dressed in shorts, squatted and proceeded to leave four, count ’em, four piles of poop on the lobby floor. Having completed his business (apparently he needed to make a few hefty deposits), he left the bank.

Perhaps banks need a few of these signs posted...just in case unusual deposits from unsatisfied customers becomes a trend.

Perhaps banks need a few of these signs posted…just in case unusual deposits from unsatisfied customers become a trend.

Woman Shot During a Demonstration About How to Use a Concealed Weapon. Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania. June 30. A man who owns a weapons store called “In Case of Emergency” shot his potential customer in the thigh while showing her how to safely holster a concealed semiautomatic .380. He must rely mostly on new business and not so much on repeat customers, who have a hard time going to his shop, what with the physical and emotional scars from his demos.

Let me show her how to use it.  No! Let me! BANG! Uh. It was loaded?

Let me show her how to use it.
No! Let me!
BANG!
Uh. It was loaded?

Woman Rethinks Aversion to Use of Pesticides. Hutchinson, Kansas. June 27. Little Miss Muffet wasn’t thrilled with the spider she saw in her house. Rather than doing a capture and release like I would’ve done or use a can of “Spider B’Gone,” she opted for a more permanent solution: burn the thing. By “thing” I mean her whole house. She got rid of the spider…and everything else she owned. She also got arrested for arson.

Bring it on, Spiderman!

Bring it on, Spiderman!

Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism, Media, Integrated Marketing Communication Can’t Spell. Evanston, Illinois. Ha! I don’t feel so bad now when I make a tyop. Oops! I did it again. Northwestern issued diplomas with the “n” missing from “Integrated” in the school’s title. You’d think of any school, they would have like a ton of proof-readers.

A good educashun is a terrible thing to waist.

A good educashun is a terrible thing to waist.

Would-be Car-Jackers Foiled by Being Spoiled. Seattle, Washington. Three young hooligans tried to boost an old lady’s Kia, but couldn’t get the darned thing to move. They only knew how to drive cars with automatic transmissions. This car had a stick shift and clutch. After trying several times and stalling the car out (while the woman was dialing 911), they decided running on two legs was their only option. In the good old days, we had to learn to drive a standard transmission, right, Baby Boomers? These young-uns today and their automatic everything…

Drive no stick shift.

Drive no stick shift.

If you feel a little better about any gaffes you may have made today, then my work here is done.

Until next time…keep smiling! People will wonder what you’ve been up to.

(All images nabbed from Google Images.)