Do you think these glasses make my look smart? I hope so. I need all the help I can get.

I’m naturally brilliant. The glasses just cinch the look.

I didn’t study wordology in school, but it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to know that some words are misdefined.

Oh, I can just hear the lingo ego-uppities who gradufied from Snooty U already formucating their commenterriers:

“You cretin, the study of words is etymology and if you understood Latin and other languages, you would understand the root to many of the words you erroneously feel are incorrectly defined.”

To the Dr. Smarty Shorts of the world, I reply:

Hey, most Americans can barely manage English. They think it’s a crime to be conjugalating verbs under 16 years of age. So you’re setting the bar a little high. I’m here for the masses not the pompous @#!%$.

Now that that’s settled…at least in my mind…here are some words I think need new definitions. I’ll even tell you what I think they (the new definitions) should be.

NOTE: These are acuated real words (unlike the ones I keep using).


Real Definition: noun; finery in dress, especially when showy or gaudy.

My Definition: noun; how the drunken guy with a lisp describes the stairs he just fell down.


Real Definition: noun; a sortie of troops from a besieged place upon an enemy.

My Definition: proper noun; the name of Charlie Brown’s little sister.

What are they saying my name means?

What are they saying my name means? Hmmm. I do love a man in uniform…


Real Definition: verb; to recognize; acknowledge; own.

My Definition: noun; an example of a typo I wuld make.


Real Definition: adverb; in a direction contrary to the natural one; counterclockwise.

My Definition: noun; the condition of most Baby Boomer’s legs below the knees.

And it's only downhill from here...

And it’s only downhill from here…


Real Definition: noun; one who loves horses.

My Definition: noun; one who loves hippos.


Real Definition: noun; a straight downhill run at high speed.

My Definition: noun; the sound you make to keep some obnoxious person quiet, often accompanied with menacing scowls from the schusser and the schussee.


Real Definition: noun; a scientist or technical expert.

My Definition: adjective; mondo cool, smacking, or the cat’s meow.


Real Definition: noun; distrust or hatred of reason or reasoning.

My Definition: noun; the study of why I’m always misplacing things.

Where did I put that darned bunny tail?

Where did I put that darned bunny tail?


Real Definition: noun; a small container or basket for fruit.

My Definition: noun; a really short pun.


Real Definition: noun; a written work composed of words chosen so as to avoid the use of one or more specific alphabetic characters.

My Definition: noun; the FDA’s newest category for labeling fats on food labels so we can’t figure out how guilty we should feel after eating it.

Now it’s your turn. Either improve on my definitions or find words of your own and tell me your new definitions.

Go ahead,

There are no wrong answers.

Well, I suppose, technically, there are, but we can’t let a little thing like etymology (which sounds like the study of bugs to me) get in our way!

(All pictures complements of Google Images; all captions complements of my dizzy blonde head)