Does anyone have a Tucks pad I could borrow...well...use?

Does anyone have a Tucks pad I could borrow…well…use?

I’m one of the 10,000,000 American’s who knows the itching, suffering, and embarrassment of hemorrhoids.

Are you?

If you’re not, you might know someone who is. You can tell by the way they try to sneak in a butt scratch, walk as if their diaper needs changing, or shift positions while sitting even if they’re not bored. Or maybe your time simply hasn’t yet arrived. The Big H will find your butt and then you’ll join our swelling ranks.

Well, thank me now or thank me later…you’re in luck. I have the only hemorrhoid remedy you’ll ever need.

Don’t take my word for it.

An honest-to-goodness doctor sent my mother an honest-to-goodness newslettery-looking brochure with “The Cure.”

Now there's a face you can trust with your butt.

Now there’s a face you can trust with your butt.

Naturally, she shared it with me because she’s my mom and she loves me. We both have had our battles with the Big H. I just don’t know how she got lucky enough to get on Dr. Michael Cutler’s mailing list and I didn’t. Oh well.

This cure is too good to keep to myself.

But first, you should know something about Dr. Cutler and his claims.

The amazing Dr. Cutler is a Board Certified (I wonder what board?) Family Physician “specializing in degenerative diseases, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue,” which totally makes him an expert in hemorrhoids.

He graduated from Brigham Young University, Tulane Medical School, and Natividad Medical Center. He’s had over 19 years of clinical experience involving obstetrics, pediatrics, orthopedics, minor surgery, internal medicine, geriatrics, and nutrition.

You could say he likes to diversify.

Now he’s really into newsletter-writing and natural health approaches to solving patient problems, like hemorrhoids.

He claims: “This old-fashioned miracle will allow you to eliminate your bowels without pain or bleeding…and say NO to hemorrhoid surgery once and for all!”

 

Sounds like the pooping version of an orgasm, right?

Sounds like the pooping version of an orgasm, right?

After explaining why typical remedies for the Big H don’t work and really enthusiastic testimonials from some one person, he finally reveals the miracle cure.

Here it is. I’m quoting this so you know exactly what to do:

Supplies:

1. A small jar of powdered sulfur.

2. A few wool rags.

3. An old churn 18″ to 24″ high. If you don’t have and old churn [like who wouldn’t have one of those hanging around?], get a metal bucket 18″ to 24″ high or any container that you can sit down on to expose your external hemorrhoids. Make sure it is not plastic. The reason a churn is best is because it has a folksy charm and doesn’t transmit heat very fast. [So plan on a NASA-like launch party, People.]

4. A pair of old shorts or underwear.

I seem to remember an enhanced interrogation technique involving these items...

I seem to remember an enhanced interrogation technique involving these items…

[Are you getting dubious excited yet?]

Take the old shorts or underwear and cut a hole just big enough to expose your hemorrhoidal area.

Then put them on (the holy underwear—you’ll need them in more ways than one).

Now put 2 or 3 wool rags in your churn or bucket. Sprinkle about 2 tablespoons of powdered sulfur over the rags and set them afire. It will blaze up, so just drop a match in. Don’t put your hand too close to the material, as it will burn you.

Let the materials burn for about 30 seconds to 1 minute or just long enough for it to start producing enough smoke to warn the neighboring villagers that some crazy shizzle is about to go down…or go up.

Put the fire out completely by smothering it, which means sitting on your makeshift churnfire.

Sit on the churn or bucket for 3-5 minutes. Do not sit for any longer, because you will burn or blister yourself and because that 3-5 minutes is the approximate response time of the area domestic and wild carnivores looking for their next meal.

You may feel a mild burning or stinging sensation for several days. Use petroleum jelly to ease it. Just don’t hover your butt near open flames while it is slathered in petroleum jelly.

If you’re butt isn’t as good as new in 3-4 weeks, repeat the procedure. You might also want to relocate to another region of the country.

If, after several years, your hemorrhoids return [and you’ve gone completely insane again], repeat the procedure.

Is there a miracle cure for this miracle cure? I got a feeling I'm gonna need it.

Is there a miracle cure for this miracle cure? I got a feeling I’m gonna need it.

So whaddaya think? I think the hemorrhoids become the least of your problems with the “miracle cure.”

1. You have to find a churn in some high-priced antique store only to torch it. That can get expensive. But, given the heat conductivity of metal, I wouldn’t settle for a bucket either. Talk about a butt puzzler…

2. I don’t know about you, but I was never great with chemistry. Where do you even get sulfur? Do you have to give the sulfur sales guy the reason why you need it?

3. How do you know exactly where to cut the hole in your shorts/underwear? I imagine precision counts.

4. What if someone smells the sulfur and finds you sitting on your antique butter churn with smoke coming out of your butt?

5. 3-5 minutes is a long time to sit on butter churn, especially if the butt-to-churn ratio is way out of whack. I’m just spitballing here.

5. All the talk of repeating the procedure doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that this is really miracle cure. It’s more like something your great, great-grandfather did after drinking too much whiskey and complaining about how his piles make his butt hurt. “Back in the old country we used to do this thing with butter churns to cure piles…” (They called hemorrhoids “piles” back in the olden days, before 1960.)

I don't care how much them piles of yours is killing you. You ain't touching my churn for no snake-charmer's miracle cure especially if your bare behind and fire are part of the deal.

I don’t care how much them piles of yours is killing you. You ain’t touching my churn for no snake-charmer’s miracle cure especially if your bare behind and fire are part of the deal.

I found the “fine print” interesting: “The ingredients discussed are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent disease. Individual results may vary.” I bet they do,

Dr. Cutler, whose probably practicing plastic surgery now. He probably specializes in butt beautification.

Hey, I'm Dr. Cutler. I can (and have) done anything. I'll fix this up for you in time for bathing suit season. Next time, just cut the hole in your underwear smaller, use less sulfur, and try to find a churn. Sorry to hear the hemorrhoids are still a problem...

Hey, I’m Dr. Cutler. I can (and have) done it all. I’ll fix this up for you in time for bathing suit season. Next time, just cut the hole in your underwear smaller, use less sulfur, and try to find a churn. Sorry to hear the hemorrhoids are still a problem…