Did that noise just come from me?

Did that noise just come from me?

We’ve all been there before.

Through no real fault of our own (well maybe a lot little fault of our own), we end up with a condition  problem  issue that is embarrassing to have.

It’s even awkward to talk about them to medical professionals trained not to laugh at you, keep their distance or say “Eeewww.”

In odor  order to make you feel like these conditions are normal (ha ha ha ha ha), the AARP online newsletter wrote an article about nine (9) of the really embarrassing things your body can throw at you.

It’s a great article because it got me thinking about other disturbing body-related shizzle most of us deal with that isn’t considered polite to do or talk about.

I should probably tell you about their list because the chances of you clicking on the link to read the article are probably in the negative numbers.

At least they're aware of their problem. I wonder how it affects their intimacy?

At least they’re aware of their problem. I wonder how it affects their intimacy or craving for pork?

1. Bad breath (when your dog won’t even kiss you, it’s time to take this one seriously)

2. Constipation (how would anyone know unless you told them?)

3. Flatulence (a.k.a. farting–if you insist on saying “flatulence,” do it with a British accent)

4. Rectal itch (too bad we can’t be like dogs and just scoot ourselves across the carpet, eh?)

Just go ahead a watch your program. I'm taking care of things just fine. And stop calling me "Scooter."

Just go ahead a watch your program. I’m taking care of things just fine. And stop calling me “Scooter.”

5. Smelly feet (eeewww–I’m a doctor, but not that kind of doctor)

6. Body odor (the article actually says that one of the causes is “avoiding soap and water.”)

She looks too happy to have body order. I smell something fishy here...

She looks too happy to have body odor. I smell something fishy here…

7. Vaginal odor (why does the va-jay-jay get its own category separate from “body odor”?–sexist list!)

8. Fecal incontinence (never try to force a fart after age 50, People)

9. Urinary incontinence (this is no laughing matter…well, it kind of is. So is coughing or just trying to get up)

To this list, I would like to add the following embarrassments foisted upon us by our bodies:

10. Burping (you don’t have to turn the burp into a soliloquy, but the body isn’t like a balloon. It’s not meant to keep air inside.)

11. Bad hair (don’t you hate it when all or part of your hair decides to do it’s own thing?)

I can't do anything with my hair when it gets so humid.

I can’t do anything with my hair when it gets so humid.

12. Falling or tripping (oh sure, it’s funny when caught on tape, but no one needs that kind of attention)

13. Being the person nearest the photocopier/coffee maker/bulldozer when it breaks (You have two choices: pretend that you’re an expert in fixing these machines or put on your five-year-old “I didn’t do it” face).

14. Chin hairs on women (I’m growing them at the same rate that I’m losing my eyelashes. What’s up with that?)

It's a rare woman who can pull this look off.

It’s a rare woman who can pull this look off.

15. Forgetting the name of someone you know well (heck, forgetting where you are or why you’re there)

16. Falling asleep while doing something other than reading or watching TV (i.e., eating out, knitting, typing–snoring makes it worse)

17. Adult acne (as if we don’t have enough to deal with already)

18. Hiccups (especially the really loud ones that happen during unfortunate moments of silence).

NOTE: I left out hemorrhoids because I’ve written about them extensively in the past, hoping they are behind me.

To think, I'm one missing link away from these buffoons.

To think, I’m one missing link away from these buffoons.

What have I forgotten? What do you think are the more embarrassing aspects to being human?