We here at Readum N. Weap, Ink., Inc. are always on the job, keeping abreast of the latest in quirky memoirs by dizzy blondes.

We here at Readum N. Weap, Ink., Inc. are always on the job, keeping abreast of the latest scoops about one quirky dizzy blonde.

Remember us? We’re Lorna’s exclusive marketing agents. She’s our only literal literary client, so we come cheap and she’s getting her money’s worth.

Lately we’ve been specializing in goofy signs and other bloopers that we don’t even make up. Let’s just say that our copy/paste department is bigger than our creative department.

Unbeleivable! Shamfull!

Unbeleivable! Shamfull!

Unbelievable! I'm coming with a U-Haul!

Unbelievable! Shameful! I’m coming with a U-Haul!

Can't argue with that logic.

Can’t argue with that logic.

Could probably argue with that logic.

Could probably argue with that logic.

Sometimes it's best to keep quiet. I'm keeping quiet.

Sometimes it’s best to keep quiet. I’m keeping quiet.

Finally, truth in advertising!

It says, “Try our new crap.” Finally, truth in advertising!

Business has been pretty good, so we’ve been ignoring our book marketing duties. Can you blame us?

We thought we should check in with Lorna before she dies or something to see what she’s up to. Then it would be easier for us to tell you. See? We here at Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc. are pretty smart if you give us half a chance–for twice the price.

We’re gonna list the breaking news, just to break it up for you. Dewey Hafta and Sons, our affiliates (aka enforcers) thought of that one–good, eh? When it comes to breaking things, they’re the best.

1. Lorna’s still alive, though a bit smaller than she was. She’s missing a gallbladder, too.

2. She tells us she feels like the new stuff McDonald’s is serving–crap. Eating solid foods makes her sick. So she’s drinking again. But don’t worry, she’s not hitting the hard stuff–just a whole lot of the light healthy stuff that tastes like regurgitated grass.

Not to worry: one is a protein drink and the other is reconstituted super-green foods in water and juice.

Not to worry: one is a protein drink and the other is reconstituted super-green foods in water and juice.

3. By this week, she’ll be finished with her edits on her new novel, Never Turn Back. She’s gonna need beta readers and reviewers, people, so if you want to read something really different from her funny yet poignant memoir, pony up and volunteer. If you don’t, you may be getting a surprise visit from Dewey Hafta and Sons…and, trust us. they ain’t a pretty sight.

They're just waiting for our phone call...or whistle.

They’re just waiting for our phone call…or whistle.

4. The free promo Lorna ran on the 2nd edition of her memoir is over and the e-book is for sale for $3.99 at Amazon. We hear tell of others running these promos and having 4 million  4 thousand  4 hundred downloads. Lorna got 114. I guess 4 is a magic number but she was on the low-end of it.

5. All of you who downloaded it for free apparently can’t write a review on Amazon because you didn’t buy it. That must’ve been in the fine print she didn’t read. We know all about fine print and customers not reading it. Why the heck do you think we make it so fine? Anyway, if you have a blog or website, posting a review on it would be the next best thing to get the word out about the memoir. Hey, it’s the least you can do. You got the award-winning book for free. (See how we’re earning our money? Lorna would never say anything like that.)

6. The paperback version will be out in the next couple of weeks. Lorna had some trouble with her tech guy prioritizing the cover techie-hoopla to submit to CreateSpace. You wouldn’t think he’d put her off like that since she sleeps with the guy–but she’s been sick. Oops! Way too much info.

I'm taking back some of my retainer if you don't show a bit more discretion.

I’m taking back some of my retainer if you don’t show a bit more discretion.

Our job is to boost sales so that she has enough money to pay to get the next book out. So, what do we need to do People to sell more copies of her award-winning, funny, courageous, touching memoir? It even has great pictures in it.

How many laughs can you buy for $3.99?

How much inspiration can you buy for $3.99?

How much entertainment can you get for $3.99?

How much enlightenment can you find for $3.99?

How much cuter a paperweight could you find for $3.99?

Have I convinced you yet? If you already have one, talk a friend or family member into buying it. If you love them, that is. Show them the reviews the first edition got. And that was before the book got even better!

Okay, we just ran out of whatever little funds Lorna gave us to promote her and her writing and fighting-to-stay-alive career. We’re a business and we can’t let emotions like pity get in the way of our business model.

Sending a kid over to fan you is extra. It's in the fine print...

Sending a kid over to fan you, Lorna, is extra. It’s in the fine print…

Once she scrapes together a few more dollars, you’ll see us again. And if there’s any hint of any bad-mouthing our No. 1 client, Dewey Hafta and Sons will be on the job to put an end to any hooliganery. When you only have one client, you gotta protect her reputation.

You may see them coming, but you won't have a clue who they are.

You may see them coming, but you won’t have a clue who they are.

Disclaimer: This breaking news report is the sole property of Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc.  Lorna, as a client, had nothing to do with the content of this ad, but has generously allowed us to use her blog to broadcast this announcement because we can’t afford our own free site.  If anything, and we do mean anything, from this announcement is quote-unquoted, disunderstood, or unfactually misunderepresented, you will getting a visit from Dewey Hafta and Sons.  And they will be in disguise.