The Big B

I thowed up justh to get the thcoop.

I thowed up justh to get the thcoop.

Let’s finally discover what Lorna was fussing is about in her last post.

First, I want to set your mind at ease, or at least get you off the va-va-va-moose-caboose, before we got too far.

The “Big B” does not mean:

*Boob job (due to gravity, vanity or any of the ity-issues)

*Butt job (due to flattening, sagging, or general non-resemblance to Lady Gaga’s back-side)

No buts about it, she's got it going on back stage.

No buts about it, she’s got it going on back stage. But, since I usually wear more than this when out in public, a butt like this would be wasted on me.

*Botox (due to wanting to look perpetually awake or prepared for something unexpected)

*Basilar Artery Migraine (because I already have that, so that would be old news)

*Bathophobia (it’s not what you think, although I do prefer showers–it’s fear of deep spaces, which could be some of your modern spa tubs, but I think they mean caves and other death traps into which you could tumble)

I'm thinking this would quality for bathophobia.

I’m thinking this would quality for bathophobia. What if one of the jets propelled you out into that death-whirlpool?

*Blue Diaper Syndrome (don’t snicker, it’s a real condition, but I don’t have it mostly because I don’t wear diapers…yet…and my pee isn’t indigo blue…yet)

Okay. I’m not dying, at least not that I know of. So what gives?

Here’s what gives.

A couple of months ago, I went to the dentist for a routine six month check-up and cleaning. Yes, I’m that conscientious about my choppers. I smile a lot and teeth are, in my opinion, an important part of the overall quality and outcome of a smile.

Hey! He's got a problem with the same tooth that I do. Only his is pokey-outty, and mine is twisty-shovey.

Not feeling the love, are you? By the way, he’s got a problem with the same tooth that I do. Only his is pokey-outty, and mine is twisty-shovey.

While Dr. Perfect Teeth is poking around my clean, minty-fresh teeth, she says, “Hmmm.”

I don’t know about you, but this is not a sound I like to hear coming from someone wrist deep in my mouth.

“Wha?” I manage to semi-say.

“Have you noticed that your upper teeth, especially on your right, have, shall I say, changed positions over time?”

It took me a few seconds to respond because:

1. “Left” and” right” have always confused me under the calmest of circumstances.

2. This was not feeling like this was the calmest of circumstances.

3. I freeze when faced with danger, real or imagined, so any memory I had of the geopolitical landscape of my teeth and any changes vanished.

4. She still had her hands in my mouth so I couldn’t do a tongue-survey to check the geopolitical landscape of my teeth.

I finally eked out, “Mmm. Maamee?” I was trying to say “Maybe?”

When she removed her hands, I asked her what she saw.

She said that one of my front teeth was tilted backwards, the one next to it was twisted at a 45 or 50 degree angle. And some other things.

I stopped listening and started imagining my teeth as tectonic plates shifting around until the planet–my mouth–was no longer recognizable. Then NYC and LA were under water and Las Vegas was ocean front property. Perhaps I was drooling.

She snapped me back by snapping off her rubber gloves. That sound gets your attention in almost every situation.

I know what that snap means!

That sound is never good news.

“Well,” I asked, “what should I do?” I knew this was a question that had no happy answers. But I was in a chair with a bib around my neck. I kind of had to listen.

“If we do nothing, it will only get worse.”

“What do you mean, ‘worse’?” I licked my tongue over my teeth–the ones who had been busy doing the “Twist” or the “Watusi” while I was busy trying to age gracefully.

“The teeth that are twisted will continue to twist and the front teeth will continue to tilt backwards, eventually affecting your bite,” she said with white, perfectly straight teeth.

I had visions of me in a few years.

Of course this is unrealistic. My hair will never be this thick and long.

Of course this is unrealistic. My hair will never be this thick and long.

I don’t care that much about food. I don’t eat anything that tastes really, really good because of my fatwa on all processed foods, sugar, dairy, gluten, meat…you get the picture. But it was my smile. I had noticed the one tooth that was turning and was growing self-conscious about showing a wide Julia Roberts type smile already. If things got worse, I might was well stock up on medical masks or veils, depending on how frisky I felt.

Something had to be done. But, dentistry, like the rest of the world, had gotten high-tech, right? There must be some magic, slick new way to shove a few teeth back in place and be done with it, right? Sure, it might cost me big, but what is spousal maintenance for, anyway?

As it turns out, there is a way to shove teeth back in place, and it does cost a lot of money. But it’s not magic or slick. It may be a little more sophisticated than a decade or so ago, but not much.

Well, at least all the gizmos are inside my mouth. Technology has improved.

Well, at least all the gizmos are inside my mouth. Technology has improved.

The “Big B” I’m dealing with now and for the next year or so is…you guessed it…metal braces on my upper teeth.

Yup, I’m going to be 56 very soon and I get a chance to feel what it’s like to be a kid again. Oh Joy!

I wonder if, this time, I'll become a child prodigy in something other than drinking booze?

I wonder if, this time, I’ll become a child prodigy in something other than drinking booze?

If you want to follow along with me as I experience what it’s like prepare for and then live with adult braces, hang around. Look for the tag, “Brace Yourself.”

I’ll be posting other kinds of posts, too, if this isn’t your thing.

Next up: the decision-making process, or how much is a winning smile worth to a virtual shut-in?

~ by Lorna's Voice on November 5, 2013.

29 Responses to “The Big B”

  1. Thanks so much for your vote of confidence. I have them already. The dentist assured me that almost half of the braces she “installs” are in adults. I’ve been looking closely at people’s mouths lately (kind of creepy, I know), and I haven’t seen one other adult with braces. What gives?! The only thing that feels “groovy” is the lining on my inner lip… 😐 But, hey, there are worse things, right? πŸ™‚

  2. I thought I’d be one of the lucky ones, too. Given my track record, why, oh, why would I have ever thought that?! πŸ˜‰

  3. Oh Lorna,

    Can’t imagine braces at any age. Never had them as a youngster. Now I’m nearing the bottom of the hill toward the end. Guess I’ve been very lucky.

  4. Just my two cents.

    I LOoooVE seeing adults w/ braces. Endearing. Lovely. Groovy. Xxx

    Seriously.

    Get them!!

  5. Oh, I get you now. If I find anyone with large gaps between their choppers, I’ll let you know. You can barter your own deals… πŸ˜‰

  6. Not fun is a good enough way to describe it so far. And I will have overly dramatic tales to tell you to make you all laugh at my pain and general discomfort. It is all sort of ridiculous. And better to laugh than sneer, right? Sneering pulls the upper lip up and then you can see these ugly braces in all their reflective glory! πŸ˜‰

  7. Yes, I was told that the retainer would be a “forever” thing–every night until I die. After paying all this money and what I anticipate a year or so of much attention to my mouth, me thinks the retainer will be no problem! πŸ™‚

  8. I had braces as a teen and they’ve all shifted back…not hard to see the space between my teeth. Were I younger…but what the hey. The dentist told me at my first visit to him: “No reason you shouldn’t die with those teeth.” Nice, heh? But I’m still going to him almost 20 years later. Be sure to wear your retainer as long as they tell you to. BTW, I’m obsessive about my teeth, too…space and all.

  9. I had adult braces too, in my late 20s, for about 18 months I think. They weren’t fun. I didn’t like it. But I was pleased in the end, and I’m sure you will be too! I’m looking forward to you regaling us with your brace tales along the way! πŸ™‚

  10. They are spare ……Do you know anyone that wants some… πŸ˜‰

  11. I hear such mixed stories. They range from the hair-raising to the soothing. I’m thinking the hair-raising stories are more accurate from my limited experience.

  12. Oh it is indeed! πŸ˜€

  13. Well, if you’re nearly toothless, you wouldn’t have much need for braces, now, would you? πŸ˜‰

  14. Thanks. Searching for the right pictures takes nearly as long as writing the post! Glad the effort is appreciated! πŸ™‚

  15. LOL I really love the photos you use in your blog posts

  16. Every one seems to moan about Butts. here I am braceless,, nearly toothless, butt certainly buttless.. nice one.. πŸ˜‰

  17. “I don’t wear diapers … yet”, hehe. Some perfect Lorna teeth in this post πŸ˜‰

    Please don’t ask me about my 5-year acquaintance with metal braces in my teens!!! Trust me, the sound of snapping gloves is preferable.

  18. Lorna, please don’t worry what others think of you…It’s what you think of yourself (Phil too) You needed braces and got em. Great.. This does not effect the person you are. Accept this on yourself and others. Lorna you know what I mean.

  19. Its only confusing if your writing the story πŸ™‚

  20. OK. I’ll bite. How much?

  21. Can’t wait to see your bootiful toofies in the fotos. πŸ˜‰

  22. Actually, they are on now, and I’m telling this story in a two-month time-lag.

    Yes, I have pictures and will share them. My braces didn’t come with any rubber bands. Thank goodness. I’m not that coordinated! I’d be shooting the little things all over the place if I tried to put them on myself! As it is, I am having to us a water pic to floss because I get all tangled up with the string floss. I hopeless. 😐

    I’m told I will have to wear a retainer each night after they are off until I die (or they fall out) if I want to keep them from twisting and shouting. Teeth, it seems, are creatures of habit.

  23. Yes, me, too! But this is a g-rated blog (except for all the ooh-la-la innuendo). πŸ˜‰

  24. I’ve taken pictures. But I’m not ready to show them yet. They’ll come when I’m at the point in my story when I get them put on…even though I have them on now. I know it’s confusing, but so is life, right? πŸ˜‰

  25. I remember the days when my head was shaved bald after the brain surgery and my nearest and dearest told me I looked great in a buzz-cut. I didn’t. Those same sweet people are telling me that the braces are hardly noticeable. These dear ones have a slight problem with credibility. Plus, I am self-conscious, which only adds to the “take a look at what’s going on with my mouth” syndrome. I’m doomed, I tell you, doomed! πŸ˜‰

  26. Darling Lorna, what can I say? Being American even at your age you will suffer for your teeth. At least you don’t have gum disease with teeth falling out. They are currently running some advertising campaign here. You don’t need Halloween to go green. I must live a sheltered life because I have never known anyone with bleeding gums and missing teeth.

    My only concession: I do have a gold crown if only to entice grave robbers.

    Like you I sometimes wonder about the rather one sided relationship a dentist has with his patient. If you say to me “Shut up” I will. But being talked to whilst your mouth being clamped open, only able to make gurgling noises in response is not my idea of communication.

    Anyway, I am sure with your lovely blond dizzy looks no one will notice that your teeth are in boot camp.

    U

  27. We all want a photo of you with your brace smiling πŸ™‚

  28. I can think of a big ‘B’ I would utter, in the circumstances!

  29. Will you show us a photo when you get them? My hubby wanted to have braces when he was a boy to correct an overbite. His mother refused. On his bit 60 while heading up a legal dept at one of the NASA centers he decided he wanted to fulfill his childhood wish (his loving his inner child) so off we went to the orthodontist and sat on those tiny chairs. When he got them on they had colored rubber bands. He choose the ones to match his ties, too funny. Each time we went for a check up, he’d change the color and set of ties. He still wears a night retained so they don’t go back to bucked. Like having a kid. πŸ˜‰

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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