What? My request is a simple one. Why do you look so...so dumbstruck?

What? My request is a simple one. Why do you look so…so dumbstruck?

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in advertising, unless you count the time when the top button on my blouse somehow came undone. I’ll admit, it was an effective campaign, but not one that was either unprecedented in professional affairs attire or intentional. I think to be a geniusoid in the ad business, originality and conscious thought are important skills.

End of Disclaimer.

The other day I received a catalog in the mail. This is not, in and of itself, blogworthy. I’ve been inundated with email and regular mail offers from all kinds of stores since we reached the “Official Holiday Season,” which began on or about January 1.

But this one catalog caught my eye. It was for high-end cutlery (knives and other sharp stuff for those not familiar with hoity-toity culinary terminology–cooking lingo).

Again, no big deal.

It was the message on the front of this brochure that struck me as odd. Above a shiny, sharp, holy-craperooney-sized machete  butcher’s knife, was the message: Memories begin here.

I'm not making this stuff up.

I’m not making this stuff up.

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe most people would smile and think, “Yessiree, I need me one of them thar knives. I is gonna make me some home cookin’ my kin’ll remember fer the rest of their days. Them veggies sure would taste good with some roadkill. I think I’ll make me a stew!” (Something about a big badonkadonk cleaver staring at me in the face made me channel a character from Motel Hell.)

Call the kids, Bert. We's having Roadkill Stew made with our fancy new catalog knife.

Call the rug rats, Eugene. We’s havin’ Roadkill Stew made with our fancy new catalog knife.

But you know me by now. I’m not “most people.”

I looked at this catalog and said, “Hmmm. Memories begin with knives?”

“Ah, yes, how could I forget the first time I chopped my thumb off. That’s a memory that’s hard to forget. I remember every time someone gives me a two ‘thumbs up.’ I can’t return the enthusiastic endorsement. And one ‘thumbs up’ twice just isn’t the same. It’s like you’re giving directions not feedback. Try it. You’ll see.”

I'm either counting or pointing. It's clear to me, but not to you.

I’m either counting or pointing. It’s clear to me, but not to you.

“Or, what about the time I used my knife to defend myself when that guy was breaking into my house. Or maybe he was just lost. We’ll never know. Wow! I never knew blood could splatter that much. Getting rid of the body was quite a chore. I used, like, a whole box of Hefty garbage bags. But my knife cleaned up just great and was just as sharp as the day I bought it. I’ll never forget that night, that’s for sure!”

He knows what I'm talking about. He has lots of knife-memories.

He knows what I’m talking about. He has lots of knife-memories.

I understand that knives cut up food and food is important to people. But…Really? Memories begin with knives? Who was the marketing team that came up with that one? And who was the person who thought it was a great idea and said, “Sure! Let’s run with it!”

Is it just me? Did any of you get the same catalog and not think anything of it? Should I get someone to go through my mail for me to prevent future posts like this?

Or is this one of the more epicraziarian ad campaigns you’ve seen in a while? (All sharp-witted, cut-through-the-crap replies encouraged!)

Since this post got a bit blood and gutsy, let’s call it my Happy Halloween post!

Hey, I had ta take dis gig. Scrappy refused ta pose fer any pitchers after da tiara incident. Can ya blame him?

Hey, I had ta take dis gig. Scrappy refused ta pose fer any dress-up pitchers after da tiara incident. Can ya blame him?