Do I really want to do this?

Do I really want to do this?

I promised. You’ve waited long enough.

Without further ado-do, here is a transcript of my conversation with Diana, Princess of Wales.

Just so you know how plain old Lorna got an exclusive interview with one of the world’s most famous and beloved dead women, I probably should explain.

I get all receptive-ish by relaxing, lighting candles and asking her to join me. Then POOF! She’s just here (in my head) and we’re chatting.

Okay, maybe I overdid it on the candle thing...

Okay, maybe I overdid it on the candle thing…

For those of you who don’t know, that’s the way this psychic connection stuff works. You can’t force it. You have to let the spirits–or voices–come to you. It’s kind of like when your spazzy dog gets away from you. The more you chase it; the more it dodges and runs away, right? You have to be patient and let the little bugger come to you. When you’re a clairvoyant, you spend a lot of time waiting around and burning candles. It’s not for everyone.

Being a Β highly sensitive person helps. I’m tuned into all kinds of vibes that wiz past all you highly insensitive types.

Ah. Um. I ain't feelin' no vibes...unless you count the ones about to blow a hole through my britches. Ha, ha, ha!

Ah. Um. I ain’t feelin’ no vibes…unless you count the ones about to blow a hole through my britches. Ha, ha, ha!

Ready for the interview? I thought so.

Lorna: It’s so nice of you to join me, um, what should I call you? Lady Diana? Princess Diana, Princess of Wales, Duchess of Cornwall, Countess of Chester? You have more titles than Netflix!

PD: Netflix? I am afraid I do not understand. Still, it is sweet of you to chat with me. It has been such a long time. So many seem to remember me, but no one bothers to talk with me. Oh, yes, please call me Diana. No need for titles where I spend my time now.

Lorna: I’m glad I’m not imposing on you. Maybe that’s why no one talks with you. They probably figure you went through enough in your life and you need a break now that you’re dead. Or maybe they think you’re busy doing some post-life charity work. Are there landmines or anything where you are? Is there land? Where are you anyway?

PD: Yes, I did have my share of turmoil. But there are so many stories much more tragic than mine. [Laughing a dainty Diana laugh] My troubles were nothing compared to the human suffering going on world-wide. People just did not want to believe that a fairy tale princess could have real life problems. It disturbed their fantasy. I suppose it did mine as well.

Lorna: You seem very philosophical and, well, resolved with all the topsy-turvyness of your life. Oh. Sorry. I totally didn’t mean the car crash…

PD: Quite all right. I have had 16 years to examine all of it from a perspective that is much broader than my own.

Lorna: That reminds me, you never said where exactly you are.

PD: You would not believe me if I told you.

Lorna: Try me.

PD: I cannot. It is a place you have to discover for yourself when your time comes.

Lorna: Is it a place where contractions aren’t allowed?

PD: Of course not. I simply speak proper English and you speak American English. The two are quite different.

Lorna: Yes, I know. I just figured that once you’re dead, there was some kind of universal language or something.

PD: There is. You are simply hearing the voice you associate with me. I have no voice. I am only energy.

Lorna: Diana. To me you will always be the gorgeous, tall, blonde who I kinda-sorta look like and who has the hair do that I want but can never pull off. All that is easier now that you’re dead because you don’t look as good as you once did, being that you’re dead and all. I can even speak with a fine British accent and I do not have to use contractions when I speak. We are not all that different when it comes right down to it.

There's you...

There’s you…

And there's me. But remember. I'm way older, poorer, and I'm taking my own picture with a phone that's smarter than I am.

And there’s me. But remember. I’m way older, heftier, poorer, make-up-less, and I’m taking my own picture with a phone that’s smarter than I am.

PD: Was this why you called me here?

Lorna: Um. No. But it’s good to get that off my chest. Okay. I’m really curious about your relationship with Prince Charles. I mean, what did you see in that man? He’s no box of Happy Faces (English biscuits).

Well, now, let me reconsider...

Well, now, let me reconsider…

PD: I was young. He was in a kilt. Need I say more?

Lorna: Yeah. You kinda do.

PD: Well, I shall not.

Lorna: Okey dokey. Any regrets about hanging with the playboy, Dodi Al-Feyed?

PD: Ah, Dodi. I do wish we had ended our relationship differently. It was rather unpleasant. But I never had a “bad girl” phase when I was young, so I felt free to be young and wild with him. Perhaps a touch too wild…Β (It takes a skilled psychic to discern quotation marks when conversing with the dead, I hope you appreciate that.)

Lorna: Well, you only live once.

PD: Do not be so sure about that.

Lorna: And now we’re being enigmatic, are we? Fine. What was most fun about being Princess?

PD: Dancing with John Travolta was simply smashing.

Lorna: I bet! What was the worst part about being Princess?

PD: Pretending that I was perfect and that my life was perfect. Neither is true for anyone, but everyone wanted it to be true for me. That is a great deal of pressure for anyone. I was too fragile for that role.

Lorna: Yeah, I totally understand. I think you’re highly sensitive like me. I would be an epic failure at the princess thing. I panic at small family gatherings.

PD: So did I, although our “family gatherings” were rather large. But I tried.

Wow, that is a large family! But isn't that Michael Jackson's family. He was the King of Pop. I think I'm getting my dead royalty confused...

Wow, that is a large family! But isn’t that Michael Jackson’s family. He was the King of Pop. I think I’m getting my dead royalty confused…

Lorna: Is there anything that you left unsaid that you’d like to say now? Like to old HorseyFace or that ex-husband who trapped you in a loveless marriage…

Yeah, I'd be drinking, too.

Yeah, I’d be drinking, too.

PD: No. Although, I do recommend seat belts. Perhaps stop obsessing about the dead. The living need your time and attention. The dead are quite good at taking care of themselves.

Lorna: All wise words, Diana. Thank you. I’m tired now. If you ever feel like coming back for a visit, just send me a sign–an urge to put my tiara on will do.

I'll be waiting for your energy. Goodness knows I need it. And notice the ring, People? My Philip gave that to me--Sapphire and diamonds. Yup!

I’ll be waiting for your energy, Diana. Goodness knows I need it. And notice the ring, People? My Philip gave that to me–Sapphire and diamonds. Yup!

Scrappy will be waiting, too. But he's not as into this stuff as I am.

Scrappy will be waiting, too. But he’s not as into this stuff as I am.

PD: I will. It had been lovely.

And that was that. She left. I blew out the candles, she didn’t.