Need a Job? Read on!
You know I’m here to help, right?
I’m thinking that there might be lots of government workers out of a job soon. And there are lots of people who could use some extra money for, oh I don’t know, “extras” like electricity or a respirator.
So I want share some tips on getting your résumé ship-shape and acing that job interview. Mind you, I’m not an “employment specialist,” but I have skills. Well, I used to work. I remember the old job hunting days like they were 20 years ago.
Enough said. Do you want the benefit of my
faded memory wisdom or not?
How to (and How Not to) Present Yourself on Paper
I assume that you’re at least a three-dimensional person. Your task is to look fantast-a-dab-a-doodle, but as a two-dimensional person. Looking good on paper without any origami antics involved isn’t easy.
Keep these things in mind as you write your employment life story for some stranger to maybe read.
1. Employment History. Just list the last three jobs you had. If you got fired from your last three jobs or don’t have three jobs to list, it’s okay to be creative as long as you list “creative” or “imaginative” under the “other skills” section of your résumé.
2. Job Descriptions. There’s a fine line between “honest” and “making yourself look humdingerific.” Say your last job was working for a fast-food franchise in a non-management trainee position (see, I’m already doing it–I didn’t say “part-time fast-food grunt-worker slave”), you could say your duties involved “customer service and satisfaction, compliance to standards of food and environmental safety, efficient and consistent product quality assurance, and maintaining high sales volume.”
3. Words to Avoid in Your Resume. Most experts tell you to avoid clichés such as “team player” or “innovative thinker” I’m telling you the following words won’t go over too well either: “rehab, probation, aliens, cybersex, or fart.”
4. Length of Resume. Again, most experts say one page. Piffle! One page makes you seem like you’re a loser with no experience and nothing to brag about. Make it at least two pages, even if you have to make up shizzle about awards you won on a fake bowling league. And staple the pages together. The staple makes your résumé weightier. And harder to turn into a paper airplane.
5. Cover Letter. You have to know how to write a proper letter. Cover letters aren’t a curtain for your résumé; they actually tell the reader how you found out about the job, why you’re perfectamundo for it, and how excited you are to work for these strangers. And to say thanks for looking at your résumé. Make sure the letter is only one page long and doesn’t have any errors in it. If it’s not a good letter, it’ll make a great paper airplane.
Impressing the Interviewer
If you followed all of my advice on the résumé, you should get a call for an interview. Don’t panic. I’ve got equally great advice for you so that you charm the legal pad off that way-too-serious personoid.
1. What to Wear. Definitely wear clothes that’ll conceal any accumulating sweat. Bring a brief case to carry an extra shirt, blouse or pair of underwear. Always be prepared. Men, wear a shirt and tie. And pants. Shoes too.
Women, it’s trickier for you. Dress too much like a man and some employers will either be confused or put off; dress too
slutty femininely and some employers will either be confused or put off. See? It’s tricky. I can say for sure, Women, don’t wear a tie or a black bra with a see-though blouse. Beyond that, you’re kind of on your own.
2. How to Greet the Interviewer(s). Smile. But not too much. They want to know you’re friendly but serious about the job. If you overdo the smile, they might take you for a psychopath or someone who just had expensive work done on her/his teeth and is just showing off. You don’t want that.
Your handshake should be firm but don’t be a “carpal crusher.” Also, let go. It becomes weird quicker than you think. You want them to remember you for your winning personality and skills, not as that strange person with the creepy smile and bizarre handshake.
3. Questions NOT to Ask During the Interview. “Can I bring my dog/imaginary friend/probation officer to work?” “Does your health plan cover medical marijuana?” “My old boss was a complete idiot. What will my new boss be like?” “Do alien abductions count as sick days or vacation days?”
4. How to Follow Up After an Interview. Send an email after 2 or 3 days thanking them for the opportunity to interview for the job and how much you enjoyed the experience. Lying is easy via email. After about a week, send a real letter (same caveats as the cover letter apply) expressing the same sentiments.
Do not send flowers, do random drive-bys, or hire some “muscle” to intimidate them. You probably don’t have the money to spare.
If they don’t issue a restraining order, it’s a good sign. Sit tight and wait for them to contact you.