I'm so innocent. How do these weirdos find me?

I’m so innocent. Why don’t these weirdos just leave me the heck alone?

It’s been a while since I’ve shared the more disturbing  bizarre  colorful internet search terms that bring people cruising the Interwebz to my innocent little blog. Click here to see the last post or search for the tag “internet search terms” and you’ll find a bunch of posts I’ve done on the topic. It’s quite enlightening.

Let me remind you that these are actual people who typed in these exact words into some search engine. They were actually looking for this information. Worse yet, that search engine directed them to ME. They clicked, thus whizzing them to good ole Lorna’s Voice. I wonder what they thought…

“Ham Radio Sex”

I’m pretty sure this isn’t about pigs tuning into sex-talk radio stations. At least I really, really hope not. Maybe this is about those people who say stuff like: “Breaker, breaker, this is Ham Jam Hot Pants. I’m looking for an eyeball with a good old-fashioned brass pounder. Dipole is ready to receive!” Okay, I totally get people going low tech on the distance sex thing. The NSA is collecting all that meta data from our phone and computers. I don’t think they’ve figure out how to tap into radio signals…yet.

George and Cindy took a step on the wild side and engaged in their first Ham Sex threesome.

George and Cindy took a step on the wild side and engaged in their first Ham Radio Sex threesome.

“Mafia Hair Men”

I’m confused. Are these members of the Mafia looking for male hair stylists? Are they women looking for a Wise Guy with a certain full head of black hair, greased back, but able to flop in his eyes during sex or when “offing” a rival gang member?

You dare mess with my hair? You gonna wish you ain't never been born.

You dare mess with my hair? You gonna wish you ain’t never been born.

“Bimbo Bakeries”

Really? Is that where you think we come from? You think we’re whipped up and baked? Well, first of all, most bimbos I know (present company included) are only half-baked. That’s because we don’t like to get all hot and bothered. Hot is fine. Bothered is not. Second of all, I don’t remember what I was going to say.

Okay. So maybe I was baked a little too long...

Okay. So maybe I was baked a little too long…

“Kentucky Derby Nude Pics”

Hey! I run a G-rated blog here (with enough sexual innuendo to keep my readers guessing–just like most Disney Pixar productions). Anyone who’s anyone knows that fashion is THE thing at the Kentucky Derby. You’d have to be a pretty inventive sleaze bucket photographer to get a nudie at that race.

Hey! Who let that photographer near me while I'm getting a bath? I need my Pre-Race privacy. Have you no shame?

Hey! Who let that photographer near me while I’m getting a bath? I need my Pre-Race privacy. Have you no shame?

“Uncontrollable Eggy Fart Jokes”

Okay. I admit that I love a good fart joke. But “eggy?” “Uncontrollble?” Now you’ve crossed the trench. I have my standards and they are way more high-flatulutin’ than yours are. “Eggy” indeed!

Butt, if this was the Easter Bunny...

Butt, if this was the Easter Bunny…

“I’m Princess Diana’s Voice”

Well, la-de-flipping-da! Unless you are from the spirit world and magically typed that on some iSpookyPad, I’m going to say that you’re delusional. In fact, I”M Princess Diana’s voice. I’ve proven time and time again (I was redundant on purpose for a reason) that I resemble her and I will prove that I channel her when I do my interview with her–which is coming up soon. Probably around Halloween. So there!

Let's put this to rest, shall we? If Lorna were taller, thinner, had more refined features, was wealthy enough to afford posh clothing and a make-up and hair stylist, we could be twins.

Let’s put this to rest, shall we? If Lorna were taller, thinner, had more refined features, was wealthy enough to afford posh clothing and a make-up and hair stylist, we could be twins.

 

“The Problems With Buddhism”

Yeah. No. Every spiritual tradition has its advantages and disadvantages. The biggest problems I find with Buddhism are: people. Yup. Without people always mucking up my serenity, I’d be a great Buddhist.

See what I mean. I'm feeling all compassionate and like hugging someone, but this woman has to go scream and totally kill my serenity buzz.

See what I mean. I’m feeling all compassionate and like hugging someone, but this woman has to go scream and totally kill my serenity buzz.

“A Line of People Waiting for Something is What?”

Um. A line? A queue? A row? A string? A file? A curiosity? A frustration? A meditation? Evidence of a new iSomething just being released.

What are you in line for? I don't know but it must be good. Look at the line!

What are you in line for?
I don’t know but it must be good. Look at the line!

“Is it Psychopathic to Mutter Bad Things Under Your Breath?”

Totally depends on the situation. No, if you mutter a few choice words to the shizzle-head who was rude to you at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) after you waited for an hour just to be told you had the wrong form. Yes, if you say hurtful things about the DMV shizzle-head as you walk away after cutting the break lines on his car. See the difference?

No, Mr. Mummy! You misunderstood. I didn't call you a psychopath because you were muttering curses, I merely noted that you appeared to be coming unraveled.

No, Mr. Mummy! You misunderstood. I didn’t call you a psychopath because you were muttering curses, I merely noted that you appeared to be coming unraveled.

“Sexy Professors”

Finally! A search term that landed on the right blog! For those of you who don’t know, I was a sociology professor for most of my professional life–a blonde one.

Never cared much for the old podium...

Never cared much for the old podium…

Stay tuned. I hear the sexy professor is going to interview Princess Diana real soon…