Hair! The Blog-ical

As you can see, these people are very enthusiastic about their hair. When you sing and dance about hair, it's special to you.

As you can see, these people are very enthusiastic about their hair. When you sing and dance about hair, it’s special.

Everyone’s talking about hair.

That’s right, hair!

That’s right, everyone.

There's no mistaking what Oprah wants to talk about.

There’s no mistaking what Oprah wants to talk about.

Okay, maybe not everyone. But Oprah sure is and she’s huge a huge demographic.

And so is the AARP. They have even a bigger profile. This group is exclusive (you have to be 50+ to join) and growing (it’s hard to keep those pounds off as the biological clock keeps ticking, you know). The number of members keeps increasing, too. Right now, if you wanted to have a party for all AARP members, you’d have to rent, say, Kansas.

1. It’s big enough to hold the almost 40,000,000 AARP members.

2. It’s flat, so the older members don’t have to worry about rolling down hills.

3. Not many young whipper-snappers live there, so an invasion of aging hipsters won’t be that much of an inconvenience. It would be totally like Woodstock, only not.

Hey, Dot, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. That double shot of Ensure sent me on a wild trip.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. That double shot of Ensure sent me on a wild trip. Is that Blood, Sweat and Tears playing? Oh, that’s Hank in the Port-a-Potty.

Back to the AARP and hair. Yup. Hair is important to the 50+ set. The bald-and-better-than-celibate look is tough to master. So most of us (and by “most of us” the AARP article means “older women who don’t want to die alone”) have to pay attention to our hair.

Now that bird is sexy is is likely to get laid. Bald works for him. Me, not so much.

Now he is sexy and is likely to get laid if he loses the grumpy attitude.

Thank goodness the AARP was kind enough to point out SEVEN hairiffic things we women do to our tresses that make us look tragically and unnecessarily older than we tragically and already are.

If you are a woman over 50, for pity’s sake, bookmark this post. Print it and carry it with you. It could save your life, or better yet, your sex life.

If you are a woman under 50, I hate you. No I don’t. I’m Buddhist. I accept your lack of maturational advancement. Save this for when you reach the magic five-oh-my-shizzle. You’ll know you’ve joined our 50+ Sisterhood when your back continually aches and the words “vaginal” and “lubrication” mean something important when used together in a sentence.

If you are a man of any age, read and learn.

Back to hair. I keep getting off track. This is one of the advantages of 50+ Wise Sisterhoodism. One takes many unexpected journeys.

Meh! I"m not sure where I was headed, but I'll know when I get there. Or not. I probably won't remember. Who are you, anyway?

Meh! I”m not sure where I was headed, but I’ll know when I get there. Or not. Β Who are you, anyway?

These are the 7 Hair-Do “Don’ts” (unless you’re trying to look old and wretchified). Millicent has generously agreed to illustrate how doing these “Don’ts” will give most mature women horroriods.

Okay. Sure. I suppose I will be your model. Nothing much happening in the zoo today...

Okay. Sure. I suppose I will be your model. Nothing much happening in the zoo today…

1. Blunt Bangs Blunderation.Β Bangs should come out of guns, not your forehead. If they do, they should be soft and feathery, but bulky. Nothing about a mature woman should add bulk. She has enough of that already if she has a typical husband with a typical midsection expanding faster than the national debt.

They called "bangs" for a reason. I don't have a clue what it is, but it can't be good.

You should see the bellies on some of the men around here. You want to talk about bulk. Stop looking at my bangs!

2. Frenzied Frizzifying. Having a little body in your hair is great, especially if you have a lot of body in your body–it kind of balances things out. But when curls and waves become a nest for large migratory birds, you’ve gone too far. Now you’re drawing attention to yourself, which may involve the National Park Service. That’s never good.

If there's a bird up there, good luck getting out.

If there’s a bird up there, good luck getting out.

3. Superfluous Stylization. If your hair is overly boofed, you’ll looked like a housewife in a 1950’s ad. When people look at you, you want them to remember that you are living in the 21st century.

No! This is not a sultan's hat. It's a bee-hive hair do. Come on, People, Have a little imagination and forgiveness.

No! This is not a sultan’s hat. It’s a bee-hive hair do. Come on, People, Have a little imagination and forgiveness.

4. Flat-iron Floppernation. There is nothing wrong with straightening your hair, especially when it’s gotten out of line. But when people look at you, they shouldn’t wonder how your ironing board could have possibly supported you while you ironed your hair with your Rowenta Pro Precision Steam Iron.

Now I look plain mannish. This was NOT part of the deal.

Now I look plain mannish. This was NOT part of the deal.

5. Decidedly Dyed Darkification.Β If you are seeing gray hair or want to darken your hair because you think it will make you look more sinister sultry, then make sure the color has some dimension to it. Otherwise, you’ll walk around looking as if a black rug fell on your head and you’re the only one who hasn’t noticed.

I'm liking this look, People. I think I'll keep this rug.

I’m liking this look, People. I think I’ll keep this rug.

6. Bleach Blondification. What I just said…in reverse (not as in “reading backwards” but what goes for black rugs, goes for yellow rugs).

Nope. This blonde isn't going to have more fun in the jungle gym tonight. At least not the kind of fun I want. I'm a walking banana tramp.

Nope. This blonde isn’t going to have more fun in the jungle gym tonight. At least not the kind of fun I want. I look like a walking banana tramp.

7. Girlymorphicizing. Embrace your age, Women! Braids, pony tails, butterfly barrettes, Princess Leia side buns–these are for 40-year-olders, not 50-plusers. If you didn’t wear your hair like that when you were younger, you missed your chance, Sweetie.

So Luke really got turned on by this look, huh? No, I really mean it. Huh? I can't hear you.

So Luke really got turned on by this look, huh? No, I really mean it. Huh? I can’t hear you.

NOTE: This is the list presented by the link to a beauty site I found in the AARP blog. I changed the titles of the items on the list and described them differently. For the real article, click here.

There you have it. If you (older women) want to look as young as is humanly possible without the miracle of major money, be smart with your hair. Not too curly, not too straight, not too dark, not too light, not too styled, not too youthful, and beware of the bangs.

I know what you’re thinking: I could have boiled this whole post into 51 words (the last paragraph). Well, you don’t come here for pithy, do you?

Well, why did you come here?

Have I driven you completely crazy yet, or just a little crazy?

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 22, 2013.

39 Responses to “Hair! The Blog-ical”

  1. I agree with your sentiments about the fashion industry capitalizing on anything that we might feel insecure about.

    As for Millicent, she volunteered for the job. Put a camera in front of her and she just wants to “go vogue.” πŸ˜‰ I do believe the AARP will hunt me down and sedate me with Alieve or Ambien just to stop me from making fun of their lists. I struck gold when I subscribed to their online magazine! πŸ™‚

  2. I can understand the fuss but in one way it seems so petty (I relate to your response for the first comment) compared to other things but it’s also human to obsess to some point of our appearances. Isn’t it a little annoying how when companies try to capitalize on our hair (and bald spots) and makes some of us feel less of ourselves? Of course we can choose how to feel but if the insecurity is there to begin with, one can only go up from there, know what I mean? Keep it simple is my motto.

    On a lighter note, is Millicent being paid or does she really dig this kind of thing? Haha, that AARP is keeping tabs (there’s a pun in there somewhere, I can sense it) I wonder if they have a special department in the basement monitoring with their fly-cams buzzing discretely over your shoulders!

  3. Absolutely! πŸ™‚

  4. Oh my, no apologies necessary. It’s the challenges in life that have given me this light-hearted perspective on myself and things in general. That’s really what my memoir is all about… πŸ˜‰

  5. I don’t mess with my hair, either, U. Except for the obligatory 1980’s perm. I blame Barbara Streisand. And no gray hair for me either–just blonde. What’s up with that? No vag lub for me either–I was speaking to that oft heard complaint from other women–or is it men. Can’t remember. Apparently I wrote this for women other than us. Are we twin sisters in an alternative universe?

  6. Thanks, Izzy! I give it my best shot… πŸ˜‰

  7. Your always clever …. and a fun read. ~~~~~ : – )

  8. If it weren’t so funny, Lorna, it’d have been painful to read. I am the only woman I know who has never ever messed with her hair. Except once when I had a perm (on exceedingly long hair, ca 1981). I had to call the office because my launch hour was only one, the perm took three. On my return I was informed that the boss had asked to see his “Angel”. PRONTO. Yes. Some time later, I think it was at Michael John’s in London, I was (kindly) told that maybe I didn’t need a perm because my hair is curly by nature. So that saved me hundreds/thousands of pound Sterling ever since. Apparently it’s all in the cut. And indeed it is.

    Whilst I fall into that age group you describe so disgracefully I do not need lubrication. I can’t even come up with one white hair. Not even a gray one. Bloody tragedy. Torture for the woman who aspired to Susan Sontag’s white streak (whilst refusing to be dyed in my wool).

    And I am not an ‘older’ woman. I still look as I did on my first passport photo taken when I was five. Complete with a frown of displeasure.


  9. OMG!! You are too much! I cannot help but chuckle but have to be a little restrained since my youngest daughter moved out with the laptop and I am at the library!! Thanks for the giggles, loved the orangutan with his hair styles and cannot forget the lovely nudity in the movie and play, “Hair!” What a hoot and great walk down memory lane, too!
    And on the serious side, so sorry, I am a “bad” reader, did not know about your brain surgery and am very pensive, thinking about my funny Lorna, having something so serious happening.

  10. I so agree with you. Millicent looks best au naturelle.

  11. You lucky, lucky woman! πŸ™‚

  12. Maybe you do need the sultan hat style, It will at least keep what little hair you have contained. πŸ˜‰

  13. Yeah, the first picture was from the play and the title, of course was a play on words based on the play. I was trying to be clever… πŸ˜‰

  14. Maybe if you tell her you don’t want to look like Moe from the 3-Stooges…who doesn’t know that guy? πŸ˜‰

  15. I try! πŸ™‚

  16. Isn’t that the truth? So many of these articles are presented as helpful but the underlying message is that you aren’t good enough as you are, so fix your self up.

    Thank so much for dropping in and commenting. I really appreciate it! πŸ™‚

  17. God I hate these rules and regs sooo much. Anything to make sure we don’t draw attention to ourselves. Very funny piece. I’m off to find myself something beige to wear to match my new bland hairstyle.

  18. You’re funny! πŸ˜‰

  19. Ha! Last time I got a haircut, I asked her to trim my bangs. I told her specifically that I didn’t want to look like Mamie Eisenhower. Problem was, I don’t think she knew what Mamie looked like so darned if they weren’t cut straight across. This week I showed her what I wanted–a bit wispy. They are still a bit Mamie-ish. I hate my hair!

  20. hahaha … this reminds me of the play Hair. We do fuss about those locks – don’t we?

  21. Hair is over-rated. It’s also all over my bathtub drain.

  22. Well, thank goodness, being only nearly 43, I can still get away with all 7 of those styles for a few more years πŸ™‚

  23. Remember, these are all hair do mistakes–if you are drawn to the flat iron look, immediately do a Google search on “sexy poofy hair styles for women my age.” The results will astound you! πŸ™‚

  24. Isn’t that the perfect look she’s giving the camera? πŸ™‚

  25. So true. Perspective is everything, isn’t it. xoxo to u

  26. Which reminds me…they (the AARP) had an article about what not to say to someone who just found out they were terminal. I chose not to spoof that one. I do have my standards. But the article was ridiculous. Most insensitive teens (am I being redundant?) would know not to say most of the things they mentioned. They need someone more astute and in tune with 50-plusers writing these articles. Maybe I should send them a link to my blog… πŸ˜‰

  27. The AARP sees all. I’m probably on their hit list (and I don’t mean their Top Ten Favorite Bloggers…)! πŸ˜‰

  28. Hey, if it ain’t broke… πŸ˜‰ As for where does this stuff come from–heck if I know! But the AARP magazine is a rich source of material for my wacky imagination! πŸ˜‰ I hope they don’t mind.

  29. Yes, she was a great find. Not too many females would be so cooperative. I mean, seven photos of bad hair? I wouldn’t do it. Indeed, I didn’t do it! πŸ˜‰

  30. That means you are part of the 50+ Wise Sisterhood! Congratulations. Now just be careful with bangs…

  31. I can only post this kind of thing because I had to shave my hair when I had brain surgery. I know how important hair is. But sometimes the media makes it seem as if the hair do is a life or death thing. Those of us with serious illnesses (past or present) know that hair is nice, but it’s not the first thing on our worry list.

  32. #4 will suite me better. What is your take?

  33. “Okay. Sure. I suppose I will be your model. Nothing much happening in the zoo today…” hehe. Every woman wants a “beauty day” now and then x

  34. Seems like everything changes when we turn 50. Hair, nails, skin that no longer sticks to our bodies… I just keep reminding myself to consider the alternative.

  35. Can those folks even SEE what our hairdos look like? Of course, I am a member …

  36. I can never believe I’ve read the whole thing. Where DO you pluck this stuff outta’ your head! Just too funny. I have the same haircut I’ve had since college. None. I’d look mighty strange if I suddenly had hair. ;-0

  37. I love the model,, just my idea of a beautiful nightmare πŸ˜‰

  38. Oh dear, I just don’t know where my hair fits in those categories. But I do know tie-dye and BS&T, so that should count for something – right?

  39. #2 looks like my do, due, doo, do do (seriously, which is it?) Always had frizzy, looks like Einstein, my finger’s in an electric socket doooooooo. And, when I became ill, of all things I had a hemorrhagic cystitis and had to stop dying my hair (dark dye & cancer link, etc.) so for the longest time I had this gray/grey headband and red long curly locks. In the middle of all this humiliation I went to my cousin’s wedding at the Beverly Hill Hotel! “Why didn’t you die your hair?” she asked!!!! Need I say more???

    Wuv you and your posts. You’re a gift to us readers out here. xoxo

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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