Only the highest quality SPAM will do. Our sense of security and need for reinforcements depends on it. And when I say "it," I meant "it." No one knows where it comes from. It's best that way.

Only the highest quality SPAM will do. Our sense of security and need for back-up depends on it. And when I say “it,” I meant “it.” No one knows where it comes from. It’s best that way.

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to get SPAM,  at least I want high quality SPAM.

I have standards, People. Let me be clear. I have high standards, People.

SPAM, in my opinion (and that’s the one that matters here, let’s be real), should be:

1. legible

Could I read that back to you? Um. No. But I could hum a few bars...

Could I read that back to you? Um. No. But I could hum a few bars…

Is that asking too much?

I don’t know about you, but almost all of my SPAM messages are long treatises in what I think is Japanese, Korean, or Confusionasian.

How the heck am I supposed to spoof messages that I can’t read?

I even got me a pair of these Hilary Secretary of State Magic Glasses. They didn't work any better for me than they did for her.

I even got me a pair of these Hilary Secretary of State Magic Glasses. They didn’t work any better for me than they did for her.

I know. I know. How very ethno-snobby of me. I should take the time to learn all 2,197 Asian dialects so I could read my SPAM and maybe get ahead of the curve when English is history (and math is science). But I am much better at mastering accents than actual languages, and I always play to my strengths, which for a dizzy blonde is pretty smart, eh? (That was my Canadian accent–pretty good, eh?)

So out of the 60+ SPAM messages in my Ultra Spaminator (or SPAM box, for the less techno-hip) the vast majority (that is a precise number, for you readers not into statistics) are in gibberish of the non-26-letters-of-the-standard-alphabet-song kind.

Why is the Asian SPAM market targeting me? Is it because I have a rather form-fitting Hawaiian dress I recently wore to a family gathering? Do I eat out too often at our local Thai restaurant? Did my android smarter-than me phone send a secret message to the Mother Ship?

I just don’t know.

But so you know what I’m talking about, here is a sample of what I don’t know:

From warm.humid@mail.ru: 忠雄鹿塩設立1946年 [url=http://www.hermesluxuryjp.com/]エルメス 財布[/url] カシオ次のA 第二次世界 [url=http://www.hermesluxuryjp.com/]エルメス バーキン[/url] 大戦を。シガレットホルダ [url=http://www.hermesluxuryjp.com/]エルメス バッグ[/url] ーからできるようにするあなたのために電卓、彼ら. It goes on for another 50 lines or so and it’s responding to a page about my memoir. Well, thanks for nothing. You didn’t read my memoir. If you had, you would know that I don’t like “warm or humid.” I’m a cool and dry number. You apparently have a Hermes Luxury something in a freaking rain forest. No thanks! Of course, I could be wrong. “からできるようにするあなたのために電卓、彼ら” is a nuanced phrase in any language.

You called out mother a what? You take that back! I don't care if you are just learning all 2,197 languages.

You called our mother a what? You take that back! I don’t care if you are just learning all 2,197 Asian-based languages.

I do have a few SPAM messages worth telling you about that I can actually read.

In response to Are you sitting down?: “First time flying.?” You gotta love a pithy Spammer.

In response to Tips for when you tip over and can’t get back up: “On so many levels, I am more offended by the “generic commenter” than I am by the out and out spammer. Why? you ask, at least the spammer is completely open and honest with their intentions! I know who they are. The so called generic commenter is a liar and a charlatan You can probably see that I have very strong [missing word–I wonder what it was? feelings, envy, passion, craving, garlic aftertaste. The list is endless] towards this group of commenters” Wow. Here is a spammer who is offended by people who comment on blog posts. Very psychoious of this spammer. I bet s/he skipped a grade or two in SPAM school. We know s/he skipped a word.

In response to my page about my memoir: “Amateur radio or ham is actually largely a hobby task.” I think the kids at 4-H would call an amateur ham a piglet. Hey, just trying to be helpful since you so obviously need help. I wrote and published a book, Buddy. Writing is more than my hobby and I don’t need to get confused learning any more high-tech communication gizmos!

I'm sorry. I just don't have enough chin hairs to pull this off.

I’m sorry. I just don’t have enough chin hairs to pull this off.

In response to Ninja Turtle and the Highly Sensitive Blonde: “This truly answered my personal problem, thanks!” Okay, I gotta ask. Is your personal problem with highly sensitive blondes (which I can totally understand) or with a turtle fetish (which needs intervention from social services and the Turtles’ United Rescue Task Squad, or TURDS).

I bet you have some interesting SPAM stories. Do tell…

Come on. I'm waiting and clearly I can't keep this up all day.

Come on. I’m waiting and clearly I can’t keep this up all day.