The Ninja Turtle and the Highly Sensitive Blonde, Part 1

Yes, Ma'am! My intentions are entirely honorable. I just want to make sure the lady here doesn't lose her balance. That's all.

Yes, Ma’am! My intentions are entirely honorable. I just want to make sure the lady here doesn’t lose her balance. That’s all.

My intentions were honorable. Let’s get that straight from the start.

I saw a creature in obvious distress and I had the time and willingness to help it.

Rex is obviously stuck. Fluffy is only trying to help him get unstuck. Fluffy is such a Buddhist.

Rex is obviously stuck. Fluffy is only trying to help him get unstuck. Fluffy is such a Buddhist.

What I didn’t have was:

1. sufficient understanding of how wild a wild turtle can get when it confuses a “rescue” mission with a “kidnapping.”

2. the proper bullet-proof container Β humane carrier and protective gear to keep both me and the turtle from scaring each other out of our shells.

3. nearly enough sedatives for anyone involved in this particular Lord Have Mercy Mission.

Let me explain what happened.

Philip and I were taking Scrappy for a walk around our neighborhood a few days ago. It was very hot and sunny.

Both Philip and Scrappy spotted a freakishly huge, hopefully non-snapping turtle parked near the curb adjacent to our driveway. I thought it was a Smart Car boulder.

Put a set of windshield wipers and a horn on the thing, and you could register it. Okay, maybe it wasn't that big.

Put a set of windshield wipers and a horn on the thing, and you could register it. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that big.

No really. Its shell was about 12 inches long and 10 inches wide. This critter did not come from some kid’s hobby aquarium. Since there are no ponds, swamps, rivers, lakes, or oceans within turtle-walking distance, it must have been plotting the annihilation of humans in the sewers with its brother and sister freakishly enormous turtles and just got stuck on a recon mission. Other than that totally plausible theory, I have no idea where this gargantuan thing came from or where it was headed.

Since it wasn’t a cat, Scrappy wasn’t that interested in chasing it. Plus it wasn’t moving when it sensed us near it, so he just sniffed it and thankfully didn’t pee on it.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Phil picked it up and moved it from the road onto the grass, hoping it would head for our neighbor’s garden. Our neighbors aren’t all that friendly and could use a little–or big–company.

But it was stiflingly hot and, even though turtles and I have never been mutually attracted to each other–especially turtles that could overthrow the world–this critter needed help. I know enough about reptiles that they need moisturizers to keep them looking and feeling their best. I wanted to help it. It’s the Buddhist in me.

See? I'm not a complete reptile dolt. Wait. That didn't sound right...

See? I’m not a complete reptile dolt. Wait. That didn’t sound right…

As we finished up Scrappy’s walk, we noticed the turtle was back on the pavement. That was a turtle with a definite plan. There is a sewer grate not far from our drive way.

Aha! Either my Turtle World Domination theory was accurate or the innocent (but stunningly large) turtle was looking for water. In either case, I needed to get that thing away from the pavement/sewer grate and into a more natural and safer-for-the-world environment.

When I'm not writing, blogging or quilting, I'm thinking up ways to save the world while wearing the skimpiest outfits possible. Someone has to do it.

When I’m not writing, blogging or quilting, I’m thinking up ways to save the world while wearing the skimpiest outfits possible. Someone has to do it.

Philip began referring to it as “my turtle,” as in, “When we get back, get a box and take your turtle to a marsh.”

That’s what I did.

I felt confident that I could handle this responsibility.

Why? Because:

1. I am something of an animal whisperer. When I whisper, they notice. They may not always do what I whisper, but I have pretty good luck with animals. Turtles are animals, too. Sort of. Right?

2. Even if the turtle didn’t understand my soothing assurances that I was really helping it by putting it a cardboard box and carting it around in my car, I was confident it would do what turtles do when they are scared: hide in their shells. “My turtle” would be a quiet passenger. I was sure of it.

How could I be so sure? I'm a Highly Sensitive Person. I feel this way most of the time, People.

How could I be so sure? I’m a Highly Sensitive Person. I feel this way most of the time, People.

3. I had golly gee whiz super-duper good intentions. With that much good will on my side, what could go wrong?

So I set off in my Prius, with Ginormous Turtle in a large box in the back of my car. The trip, I estimated, would take about 20 minutes. I had the perfect wet-lands destination in mind where I would set “my turtle” free and it would swim or plod off into its new, moist and welcoming habitat. I only wish someone from Animal Planet were there to film my act of Turtle salvation.

I was going to take more pictures, but Ninja Turtle had other plans...

I was going to take more pictures, but Ninja Turtle had other plans…

I was all smiles. Until I wasn’t.

Stay tuned to see what happened…or didn’t as the case my be. HINT: Turtles and Blondes with the Best of Intentions are not as predictable as you might think.


~ by Lorna's Voice on July 19, 2013.

23 Responses to “The Ninja Turtle and the Highly Sensitive Blonde, Part 1”

  1. There being 2 sides to every story – I wonder what the turtle is writing about on his blog? Possible turtle blog titles: “Kidnapped!”, “Crime and Punishment” or “Saved”? Or do you suppose you have become a turtle deity – i.e. the turtle is now trying to convert other turtles to believing in the existence of blond blue-eyed saviors?

  2. […] response to Ninja Turtle and the Highly Sensitive Blonde: “This truly answered my personal problem, thanks!” Okay, I gotta ask. Is your personal […]

  3. Love the story and your illustrations!

    • Thanks so much! It’s all true, but I tend toward melodramatics. I don’t know why I didn’t become an actress! πŸ™‚ Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I truly appreciate it!

  4. Animal whisperer had me in stitches. I don’t think humans can speak turtle. hahaha …
    I hope it isn’t a gopher turtle. They hate water. My hubby had put a gopher turtle in the lake behind our home only to find out it doesn’t swim. When he went back to where he had put it the poor little guy was perched on a bunch of tall grasses, He just had to go in and rescue it. You Buddists do follow your beliefs.

  5. […] you missed the first part of this story, go back. None of this makes sense without reading Part 1. Actually, none of this makes any sense at […]

  6. I’m not a real expert, but I do know something about turtles. Not to alarm you, but that looks like the rare “turtilius carnivorous” man-eater species. They are found only in Java and upstate New York. Be afraid, be very afraid.

  7. Waiting for the next installment… πŸ˜‰

  8. Sure hope you emerge safe and without huge turtle marks.

  9. Oh no what do we expect next… escape of the ninja turtle into Lorna’s boot.??.. was she wearing her super woman out fit??… can’t wait for the next episode…

  10. Why do you torture us like this? You get half-way through a good story and then make us wait for the rest.

    • Diana, because I read enough Dan Brown novels to know how to write a good cliff-hanger! πŸ˜‰ Gotta keep the reader coming back, right?! πŸ™‚ I won’t make you wait too long. I never do.

  11. You saved it’s life. Turtles in the road don’t last long. Not to be shocked snapping turtles do move rater quickly, I was expecting it to tip the box over and cause a panic in your car…

    • Where were you when I needed you? πŸ˜‰ Thanks for stopping by and commenting–I really appreciate it. And do stay tuned for the rest of the story… πŸ™‚

  12. How nice of you! And don’t think I didn’t notice the potty pads in the box. Hope the turtle did too. Can’t wait for the “rest of the story.”

    • Ninja Turtle didn’t stay in the box long enough to use the “potty pads” I so thoughtfully put in there. And notice I had to wait a few days to tell this one. I had to calm down and get some perspective and let my meds works! πŸ˜‰

  13. Can’t wait for the next installation Poor turtle. Did you know they’re great at transmitting Salmonella? Hope you washed your hands!

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