Gee wiz, he even looks like a flag.

Gee wiz, he even looks like a flag.

What’s more patriotic than Superman?

Yes! Superman!

Okay. Probably many things are more patriotic than Superman, but he has to be up there in, oh say, the top 1,000 most patriotic things ever. Right?

Work with me, People.

I was recently flipping through the June/July issue of AARP Magazine… Stop it right now. I can hear your eyes rolling and your snickering. This magazine is for wise aging Baby Boomers who, so far, have screwed upΒ influenced the past, present and the future. Plus there are some very interesting articles in this magazine about how to stop getting older than we already are. You should check it out.

Don't let these two boozers fool you, this magazine is chock full of serious stuff.

Don’t let these two boozers fool you, this magazine is chock full of serious stuff.

Anyway. In their patriotic edition, they included a little feature on Superman, so they must think he’s pretty pro-American.

Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of superheroes. They don’t seem to have much time to pay attention to my specific and multiple personal needs. But I can see why people like them, what with all the crime stopping and world saving they do. I suppose in an indirect way, Superman takes care of me. But I like a man who I know will be home every night. But that’s just me.

Yes, that's impressive, but will you remember to pick up my almond milk?

Yes, that’s impressive, but will you remember to pick up my almond milk?

I’m getting off track.

I wanted to share with you the five things I learned from the AARP feature called “Five Things You Never Knew About Superman.” Maybe if you are a Superman nerd geek expert, you’ll know this stuff, but I didn’t. And maybe if you read this in time, you’ll have something interesting to talk about while you’re waiting for the fireworks to start. You know me, I’m always thinking of you.

1. Superman has a Social Security number. That makes him 100% American, so he has a good chance of being patriotic. Clark Kent’s SSN is 092-09-6616. The number belonged to real live New Yorker named Giobatta Baiochhi who died in 1965, a year before the 1966 Action Comic editors revealed the number. I’m sure Giobatta was very patriotic.

Flags in both hands. Brings a tears to your eye, doesn't it?

Flags in both hands. Brings a tears to your eye, doesn’t it?

2. This superhero fights more than just fictional bad guys. In 1940, Look Magazine commissioned a story where Superman hauled Hitler and Stalin before the League of Nations war crimes tribunal. He also duked it out with the Ku Klux Klan in an 1946 radio show. A fictional character willing to risk his pretend life to stand up for American justice has to be patriotic.

3. He failed is Army physical during World War II. It was a technicality. Because of his X-ray vision he read the eye chart in the room adjacent to his, which had different letters than the chart in his exam room. So the doctor failed him due to poor eyesight. Many patriotic people can’t see a darned thing without their glasses.

See?

See?

4. Superman is probably Jewish. His creators were Jewish, so he was probably raised Jewish. No. That’s not the reason. Superman’s Kyrptonian name is Kal-El (Hebrew for “vessel of God”). The story of his origin is taken right out of Exodus–Moses’ parents launched him to safety and he was adopted by gentiles. Plus my mom is half Jewish and she is the most patriotic person I know. So if Superman is Jewish, and he’s anything like my mom, he’s patriotic. (To be fair, my mom and Superman really don’t have much in common: she’s from France, he’s from Krypton; she’s real, he’s not. You get the picture.)

5. He has a middle name. It’s Joseph. I wonder if that means it’s Clark Joseph Kent or Super Joseph Man? The AARP article was unclear. With a name like Joe, you have to be a flag-waver.

Yo. I'm Joe. I left my flag on my motorcycle. You gotta problem wit dat?

Yo. I’m Joe. I left my flag on my motorcycle. You gotta problem wit dat? Dey call me Super Joe, Man.

So there you have it. My case that Superman is one patriotic superhero. Plus he’s white, has a blue body suit, and a red cape. Case closed!

Happy Independence Day!