Is it just me, or do you feel a little trippity doo da by some of the things you see?

Is it just me, or do you feel a little trippity doo da by some of the things you see?

You know me. I’m not a ranter, right?

I’m the anti-ranter.

Even when I feel passionate about a topic, I usually keep my opinions to myself because:

1. I have this uncanny ability to shoot down my own arguments before they even come out of my mouth (blame it on my sociology training or middle child status)

2. I have this compelling desire to make everyone happy (definitely a middle child thing)

3. I have this general opinion that there is enough ranting in the world and I was put here (on earth and in the blog-o-sphere) to be a rant-free oasis (blame this on medication-induced delusions or chronic dizziness, I don’t know which)

I really gotta get me a pair of those wings...

I really gotta get me a pair of those wings…

But (and you had to know a “but” was coming) I saw something in our Sunday (Mother’s Day) paper that stunned me. Maybe this ad ran for a while (I hope not) or maybe it was a one-time Mother’s Day blitz (I really hope not). The ad bothers me; the timing bothers me more.

Identifying names and places redacted to protect the scoundrels.

Identifying names and places redacted to protect the scoundrels.

The message is not new: Hey, you disgusting excuses for women! Here’s your chance to change just about every aspect of your physical appearance (which needs changing, Honey, don’t fool yourself) so that you can catch a man or keep the one you’ve got. You know that’s the only way you’ll be happy, right? Don’t worry about the money, the physical pain, or any so-called “side-effects.” Focus on looking like this obviously sexually satisfied woman and deluding yourself into thinking that you can look like her if you get just a few, well, a lot of “procedures” done.

What procedures are they offering? I’ll list some of them in case you can’t read the ad:

**Breast Augmentation and Lifts, because bigger is always better and gravity is such a bummer.

**FREE Botox and Latisse, because paralyzing toxins injected into your head is a good idea.

**Mommy Makeovers and Tummy Tucks plus new Lipoperfection Liposuction, which should erase any evidence of your children (although I wonder what they do with them?)

**Face, Neck, Eyelid Lifts; Nose, Lip, and ear Reshaping, because maybe you want to enter the Witness Protection Program.

**Leg Spider Vein Laser Treatment, because spiders tend to scare people.

**Feminine Intimate Surgery (Labiaplasy), because one of the most common complaints of men these days is, “Honey, I’d love to be more intimate with you, but that labia of yours is a real turn-off.”

Witness the end of the Baby Boom. It wasn't birth control; it was all those labias in need of prettying up.

Witness the end of the Baby Boom. It wasn’t birth control; it was all those labias in need of prettying up.

**New Ulthreapy, because every woman wants her face to look as if she just experienced re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere but  her skin hasn’t caught up to her bones.

**Laser Body and Facial Hair Removal, because hair is is simply not natural on a woman.

*****

I don’t know about you, but I found this ad insulting. Especially because it ran on Mother’s Day. We love our mothers but don’t accept women in all their natural beauty and variety. No wonder we are a confused bunch of people.

I wonder if, on Father’s Day, this same Plastic Surgery outfit will run an ad with a sexy guy and offer men ways to become more attractive and “have it all?”

Men, you can identify with this guy, right? You're pants are always falling down, too.

Men, you can identify with this guy, right? You’re pants are always falling down, too.

It might read something like this:

Enhance Your Muscles, Package, and Overall Sex Appeal–You can have it all!

Your procedure is done at our office for your Safety, Privacy, Comfort, and Convenience.

**Hair Implants–you choose the look you want: Elvis, Clooney (George or Rosemary), or Fabio

**FREE Steroid injections to get a jump-start on pumping up those muscles

**Daddy Makeovers and Belly Removals (Warning: this is a major medical procedure, but you can take it–you’re a man)

**Buttock Enhancement to convert Flat Butt Syndrome to the Shapely Butt Syndrome women admire so much (materials from your Belly Removal procedure are used in this procedure)

**Male Intimate Surgery to reverse the effects of gravity on “the boys”

**Nose, Lip, and Ear reshaping or replacement, as if you haven’t already had this done by non-professionals…

**New Snorectomy to, once and for, all eliminate snoring (Warning: may also eliminate breathing, but it is a risk your sleep-deprived significant other is willing to take)

*****

This type of ad would be just as outlandish and just as inappropriate as the real ad run in my newspaper.

I don’t think the remedy for equal treatment of the sexes is to send the message to men (like we have to women and girls) that they are not good enough as they are. I believe that all of us are better off when we lift everyone up, treating each other as we wish to be treated.

I wish to be treated as a person with both elements of beauty and flaws. Both make me interesting; both make me human.

Changing my exterior does nothing to change the really important stuff anyway, does it? At the end of the day, when the lights are out and all is dark, what is left is the me on the inside.  If I’m okay with that, the rest of it only matters to the extent that my body is healthy enough to let me be and do what I need to be and do.

Okay, I think I've said enough.

Okay, I think I’ve said enough.