Chilling Discovery on Obesity in America

Okay. Enough about me.

Okay. Enough about me during my “fleshy” period.

You don’t need me to tell you that Americans are aren’t getting any thinner or healthier.

The government is using our tax dollars to put out reports that we don’t want to read proving that America is the land of the free, the home of the brave and the country most likely to sink into the ocean because of the increasing weight of the decreasing population. (I’m not sure about the sinking part, but here’s the proof that we are getting fatter as a nation.)

Heck Fire! America really might be a country divided. The south and mid-section might just sink into the ground.

Heck Fire! America really might be a country divided. The south and mid-section might just sink into the ground.

But I’m here to tell you what the government isn’t telling you. Yup. The government keeps things from us. Just watch MI5, which I have been watching way too much of lately.

There is an obesity problem among a population that is virtually (and by “virtually” I mean “totally”) ignored by fat researchers (and by “fat researchers” I mean scientists who study obesity, although some of them could tip the scales in the Whoa Nelly! range because, guess what, they are American, too).

DNA or Ben and Jerry's "Chubby Hubby"?

DNA or Ben and Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby”?

This obesity problem is limited to northern climates, and at that, only in the coldest months.

So you can probably guess why researchers have ignored this population. They are white-lab-coated wimps. Well, except the ones who go to Antarctica. Those researchers are just bonkers.

Brace yourselves. This is breaking news, People. Remember that you heard it here first, so if you hear it anywhere else, some lazy reporter is plagiarizer my hard-hitting investigative reporting. Gee I hate when that happens.

Yes, I know, Chief. Chaos got the jump on this story while I was trying to phone it. The chords got tangled. Gee, I hate when that happens.

Yes, I know, Chief. C.H.A.O.S. got the jump on this story while I was trying to phone it in. I got  tangled on the chords. Gee, I hate when that happens.

Snowmen (and snow women) are the newest victims of the obesity epidemic. Don’t believe me? Just look at the picture I just took yesterday.

This must be a snow woman. Women tend to carry their extra pounds around their hip and buttock areas. Poor dear. She can hardly move...

This must be a snow woman. Women tend to carry their extra pounds around their hip and buttock areas. Poor dear. She can’t even move…

Remember when we were kids? Snowmen (and the rare snow woman–it was a really sexist world back then) were smaller, more svelte. But today, no one is immune from the lure of our culture of excess.

Snowman. Snow dog. You  get the picture.

Snowman. Snow dog. You get the picture.

On the positive side, curing the obesity problem of snow people is more simple than it is among the general population. The pounds seem to melt off in time for bathing suit season. But at what cost? These adorable but large snow people lose themselves in the process. And they face they same Yo-Yo pattern of weight gain next winter.

When I saw this pathetic snow woman stuck in her yard, unable to move, I was moved, People. I was moved to alert you to this problem that has been ignored for far too long and will disappear from sight (in a few weeks) unless we rally our hearts and our resources to STOP THE MADNESS.

We may not be able to resist those drive-thru fast food meccas, so we are on the road to the ER no matter what. But, please, help save the snow people before you collapse of your own junk-food-related illness. It’s simple. Make them smaller. Make three normal-sized ones instead of one grossly obese one. You can do it. Future snow people are depending on you.

Either that, or help melt them by building a fire. It’s not at all like witch burning.

Well, you don't have to watch. But if you do, try to resist the urge to make S'mores. You're only contributing to the obesity problem.

Well, you don’t have to watch. But if you do, try to resist the urge to make S’mores. You’re only contributing to the obesity problem.

~ by Lorna's Voice on March 21, 2013.

41 Responses to “Chilling Discovery on Obesity in America”

  1. LOL! NO! I can not stand Wal-mart. Before I had my consciousness raised about Wal-mart I did shop there and even though they have large sizes nothing fits right and I was always doing “crotch-pulls”. I am waiting with baited breath about a new find. Custom made jeans for $50! I will let you know how they turn out; they should arrive in 2 weeks.

  2. Apparently you are not shopping at WalMart! 😉

  3. If there are so many fat women how come I can only find size 4 jeans?

  4. Oh, wouldn’t that be a fun gig? 🙂 But I just couldn’t take all that Hollywood pressure. I’d Eggsplode… 😉

  5. Oh gawd, stop you’re killing me. Cause of death: laughter! Modern Family needs to hire you. 😉

  6. My apologies. Should my blog come with a warning label? “Drink and read at your own risk!” 😉

  7. I just saw a documentary that showed how the food industry modifies food to make our brains and bodies crave it more–kind of like the cigarette industry in the 1960 and 70s putting more nicotine in ciggs to make them more addictive. It’s not just a matter of will-power–these food chemists are exploiting our molecules!

  8. It is a problem, I agree, but I believe unless and until they treat over-eating right along with all other addictive/addictions behaviours, it will not get better. I am not making excuses for the obese, I am saying what I have observed and speak for many in my family who cannot speak for themselves. It’s as difficult to observe and witness in motion as any other form of self harm. Education alone is not enough, just as with any other addiction. Thank you for this good and timely piece I will share now with others.

  9. You made me spew tea on my keyboard! It’s costing me to read you. 😉

  10. I love TED TV! Thanks for this! There are so many crazy diets that vilify one food group: fats or carbs. Balance and portion control are the key!

  11. Thanks! 🙂

  12. You have quite a lot to make us laugh about ourselves in this article! You are so dead on target. We have an epidemic but I do feel that we will get past it. The trends must be going to veer the other way, if not for stopping eating, at least for the money it costs… Hopefully!! Keep us up to date!

  13. It was that snow person that inspired me. I do have a zany sense of humor, though. We drove around the block so I could get that picture. My guy is very supportive of my blogging addiction! 🙂

  14. While we are at it:

  15. You find the best topics to bring a laugh early on a Saturday morning. Thanks. 🙂

  16. And we wonder why we have a problem keeping the country from sinking… 😉

  17. I never watch either. I thought voyeurism was illegal, yet most “Reality TV” watchers do it every night! 😉

  18. This is why Americas biggest loser is popular.. heehee… I dont watch it of course..

  19. I love the photo of the heavy snow-person. hahaha …. I think the fire is the best way to go. Have any marshmellows, graham cookies and chocolate for smores ???? hahaha

  20. Snow worries. This was a fun one. Snow glad you like it! (See, I can do it, too!) 🙂

  21. You must have had snow much fun writing this post! I’m snow glad I read it! 🙂

    I’m snow sorry…

  22. I agree! Those rail-thin women displayed as the “ideal” are just simply like clothes hangers for the fashions they display. Women should have substance–like me. I am a woman of substance in all the right places… 😉

  23. Just what I needed as a break from the work … a good laugh… thank you… I must admit though I do enjoy a slightly fuller figure on a woman than some of the thin under fed that you see in magazines today… I like something to hold on to and something that has a bit of heat in the winter… whatever happened to the coke cola bottle shape of the past.??

  24. When I saw this sown man, I knew there was a blog post in the making. I had SO MUCH fun writing this one! I’m glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for being such a lively commenter on this one, Ruth! 🙂

  25. Yes, compete with all the fixin’s…;)

  26. Thanks, Ruth!

  27. LOVE this post, thanks for the laughs.

  28. the camp fire, now that’s something Ron might do 🙂

  29. I’m not to worried. the claimants on the potential law suits will be sloshed in a few days when the temps get well over freezing… 😉

  30. hear hear!!!

  31. Guilty as charged! 🙂

  32. I had a lot of fun with this post. I bet you can tell! 🙂

  33. Sadly, the thinner they are, the quicker they fade…life for a show person just isn’t fair. 😦

  34. I thought I would make a snowman and snowwoman this year with the help of Husby. I never got around to it. Trust me, I would never create an unhealthy snow person. Your reminder to keep our snow people fit and trim is appreciated, although I don’t think their lives will be prolonged by their sveldt figures. 🙂

  35. So many gems here, like this “There is an obesity problem among a population that is virtually (and by “virtually” I mean “totally”) …”

    Thanks for the laughs!

  36. You are nuts … love you!! ❤

  37. As you know from my last post, I am the newest member of the Fat Fighters of America. Mine’s a different battle since I have a good BMI, but heck fire (to borrow a phrase), if it’s fat, I’m agin it.

    However, if I were you I’d hire a lawyer. You’re bound to get sued by Frosty and his good pal, the Michelin Man.

  38. Well, then, I wouldn’t expect that you would be there at the camp fire… 😉

  39. Glad you enjoyed this! 🙂

  40. That’s the funniest post I have read in a long time! 🙂 Thanks for the laughs, sure did need them!!

  41. I always get a bit sentimental when snowmen melt 😦

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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