Starve a Cold, Feed a Freshly Pressed Fever

I've been helping my mom with her posts because I want her to get Freshly Pressed again. To be honest with you, she needs my help more than she realizes.

I’ve been helping my mom with this post because I want her and all her blogger buddies to get Freshly Pressed. Well, I want her to get FP’ed again. It’s about time. To be honest with you, she needs my help more than she realizes.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been reading a ka-ton (for those not familiar with this non-metric weight, it’s similar to Stonehenge) of posts about being Freshly Pressed. Mostly the posts are about not being Freshly Pressed.

I’m getting a little sad about this fever that seems to be spreading among my blogger buddies.

As a blogger who got FP’ed during my first days of blogging when I didn’t even know what the heck it was, I’m feeling the equivalent of “survivor’s guilt.” I guess I have “FP guilt.”

I don’t know what to do about it. When I got FP’ed, I really thought that WordPress broadcast one of my posts to everyone because I was new to the site as a “Welcome Aboard, Lorna!” gesture. “Gee,” I thought, what a friendly and supportive site.”

I can tell you this: the Freshly Pressed Overlords haven’t been nearly as friendly and supportive to me since then. But still the guilt lingers.

So I thought I would try to give you bloggers searching for the FP Holy Grail or Grill or whatever, the benefit of my advice about how to get Freshly Pressed.

But before I do, please keep in mind the following:

  1. When I got Freshly Pressed, I didn’t know anything about blogging.
  2. I also knew nothing about what it meant to be Freshly Pressed.
  3. I haven’t been Freshly Pressed since, so I’m a “one-hit-wonder.”
  4. Since my hemorrhoid surgery, I tend to talk out of my rear-end a lot more, if you know what I mean.
  5. I’m basing my tips on what Word Press tells us are their FP guidelines.

Okay, are you ready for some tips on how to write a post that will get you noticed by the Freshly Pressed Overlords?

“Write unique content that’s free of bad stuff.” Golly gee wiz, you should know not to use mean or nasty language. And using other people’s ideas or pictures is just plain wrong. Forget that almost everyone does it, even posts that are Freshly Pressed all the time. It’s called judicious use of artistic and creative license. At least that’s what I call it.

“Have a point of view.” Imagine, telling bloggers to have an opinion. But opinions apparently matter to these people. None of that “Just the facts Ma’am” Dragnet stuff if you want to be in the running.

“Don’t be afraid of your voice.” Even if your voice sounds all high-pitched and like fingernails on a chalkboard, put it out there and loud and proud. Let us figure out how to deal with it.

“Paint us a picture.” This may be the one that rules a lot of you out. If you aren’t handy with a paint brush, you may want to take an art class or two.

“Make it easy on the eyes.” By “it” I imagine they are referring to the post, not the blogger. But it couldn’t hurt to doll yourself up. I don’t care what those self-help people say about what’s on the inside, appearances matter in this blogidty-blog-blog world.

“Add relevant tags.” Regardless of the content of your post, might I suggest these tags: “Definitely Freshly Pressed Material Here” or “Life Changing Post” or “Kate Middleton Having Quintuplets.” They said “relevant” tags, but you need to get noticed.

“Write a headline we can’t ignore.” See above.

“Aim for typo-free content.” Good luck with that.

Well, if you’ve done all of these things consistently and have gotten nowhere with the Freshly Pressed Overlords, I have one more suggestion for you. For this one, though, you have to be very open-minded, even more desperate, and shove aside any concern you may have over your reputation (whatever your reputation may be).

Ready?

On the evening of any full moon, strip down to your undies and wrap yourself up in a plain white sheet. While barefoot, gather sticks (both large and small) and build a fire around which you will dance and chant. To light the fire, you may use matches, but not a butane lighter. The chant must come from you and the spirits you call to empower you to write a Freshly Pressed worthy post. Don’t worry if the chant doesn’t come right away, just keep dancing and calling the spirits. The chant will arise. Do this until the moon is high in the sky and your feet really hurt.

Then write a post about it. Be sure to include the tag: “insane ritual just to get Freshly Pressed.” It just might get someone’s attention.

 

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on March 7, 2013.

55 Responses to “Starve a Cold, Feed a Freshly Pressed Fever”

  1. […] For anyone who hasn’t visited Lorna’s Voice  here is a blog post ‘Starve a Cold a Freshly Pressed Fever’. […]

  2. […] Starve a Cold, Feed a Freshly Pressed Fever (lornasvoice.com) […]

  3. ~~~~ : – )

  4. I think I did the same thing! Thanks for taking the time to comment–I really appreciate it! 🙂

  5. I figured as much! 🙂

  6. Lorna, it’s not just you, he is like this with all of us 🙂

  7. I just reply to all the comments, and I don’t have that many commenters, and that exhausts me! If I got Freshly Pressed I’d have to go to bed for a week just to prepare for replying!

  8. And I thought it was just me. I think we just made each other feel better! 🙂

  9. I thought it w2as just me. I feel compelled to answer all of my blog visitors even the “Likes”. Sometimes, I feel like I will never catch. If someone visits my blog I feel I should acknowledge them. It is a little overwhelming. I try to do the best I can and that’s all I can do. It’s comforting to know someone else has that same feeling. Thanks, dear friend.
    Izzy xoxo

  10. It’s a lot less pressure and more fun to write what comes to mind. I just noticed so many bloggers were writing about their FP’ed woes. That’s why I wrote this. I’m not worried about it at all. I freak out these days if there are 50 new emails. I feel compelled to respond to them all and that leave so little time for writing new blogs and working on my new book and marketing my memoir…sigh. 😉

  11. Thanks–I’ll give him a special hug from you! 🙂

  12. :). Thanks.

  13. Oh – forgot – Scrappy looks adorable and very secretary-like.
    huggies to him ….

  14. If ever you needed FP – it’s now – with your book just being published and all. So – how about if you add a nice snow storm to your naked chant dance??? How that??? Really, it must be the luck of the draw. Sometimes, I think it is less pressure to be FP’d. OOOpppsss … that doesn’t read properly. I think I’d feel guilty, too, if i was to be on FP and my really good blog writers were not. I’ll just stick with my out-of-the-box mind and just write whatever. I must admit – it would be a big smile ccreator to see 500 or more emails. WOW – that would be a nice present.
    Anywho, hang in there my dear – BEST writer.
    Toodles,
    Izzy xoxo

  15. Yes, I think you are–and that’s a compliment! 🙂

  16. Thank you so much! I think I might already have this one and I’m way behind on accepting a couple of other awards. This might get me going on spreading the love. You’re a sweet-heart! 😉

  17. 🙂

  18. Haha! Oh dear, if I had a backyard or lived close to the woods I might have been tempted to follow the last of your advice! All Scrappy needs is a pair of glasses. Oh and before I forget you, my dear lady, have been awarded the Very Inspiring Blogger Award 😉

  19. Hahaha. I don’t think I’ve ever had that honor. I think I’m original. Haha

  20. I remember the day that I opened my email and I had 500+ emails. I thought I was spammed. Then I saw they were all different people from WordPress saying nice things about one of my posts. I had almost 4,000 views on the 2nd day I was a blogger and abut 100 new subscribers. I thought that’s what happened to all new bloggers at this friendly blog platform. Wow was I ever misinformed. I also spent A LOT of time responding to all of those comments.

    I suppose if ever there was a time to get FP’ed, it was when I was so new. I had immediate success and that just encouraged my shenanigans! 😉

  21. The Overlords must have certain places the look first. Maybe it’s the time of day people post. If I had more time I would conduct a research study and have it published. I wonder if that post would get their attention? 😉

  22. Lorna,

    No FP for me–way too complicated and my life is too complicated already. So I’ll continue to be a lonely soul without worrying about such matters. Surely I’ll get less frazzled that way. 😉

  23. I just want to know if you are a Mr. Smarty Pants with just me or does every one get a dose of your humor, Al? Please tell me I bring out the best in you. Lie if you have to! 😉

  24. Sure, where do I send a sticky note with my name on it? 😉

  25. I really think it’s a crap shoot. So many posts, so few Overlords…

  26. Time to try the fire dance and chant… 😉

  27. I gone out onto my balcony and sung puff the magic dragon every night and all I get is rain…;;Freshly drenched

  28. I had no idea what it was till about a week ago. Moving right along…watch this post here will be FPed, lol, especially with #4 above, lol. Watch it will be lauded as a stroke of honest prose. 🙂 Loved this one and happy to be or not to be FPed.

  29. Yeah, the tips to getting Freshly Pressed are so specific I don’t know if I can manage. Not. Congratulations on your success. No need to feel guilty about it though. Those of us who never have been Freshly Pressed and probably never will be feel lucky enough to know someone who has. It’s like knowing a celebrity. Can I have your autograph?

  30. You are right on, Reo. For some reason (it must be a disease) I can’t comment without being a smart a – – . Thank you for being a surrogate compliment-or (?) Lorna is the best!

  31. Ah yes, several of us DO seem to be talking about our lack of getting FPd lately. We know they can’t possibly read all the posts every day, so I think there’s a certain amount of luck, but then some people get FPd two, or ever three times. What’s THAT all about?! Not that I’m jealous or anything you understand…

  32. Agreed!

  33. I really don’t know what attracts their attention. How can they pick 8 posts a day when close to a million are posted? It’s insane, really.

  34. I’ve never been FP’d and probably never will be, too many typo’s and blah, blah, blah. I do peruse some of the FP’d posts now and then, and it has come to my attention that it seems, and I stand under correction, that blog writers who have published works are those who get FP’d.

    When I dress in the mornings and put on my clean, ironed clothes, is probably the only time that I’ll be freshly pressed 🙂

  35. That must be it. And my medical advice is to ignore them!

  36. Well, my aim is to make you chuckle, not need a visit to the local ER. 😉 Glad you thought this one was a “keeper!”

  37. I bet you were an A student in school Al (that’s when you weren’t truant). And you have no idea how hard it was for me to exclude nabbed pictures from the internet. But, man oh man, I delivered that post in record time! I tried to make up for it with the colorful language (not THAT kind of colorful language, Al). Sheesh, you’re always twisting my words… 😉

  38. And notice I didn’t use any stolen pictures from the internet? I was trying to lead by example, but I’m pretty sure that the Overlords are going to Overlook this post too. Maybe I should start a new blog. Being brand new seems to work for me… 😉

  39. But they picked one of my first blog posts! And I’ve gotten SO MUCH better in almost 3 years. You’d think they would recognize a girl for her stick-to-itiveness! 😉

  40. Oh, thanks so much Victoria. You know I slave away at my lap top just to put a smile of the faces of people like you! 🙂

  41. And I appreciate a great comment when I see one! 🙂

  42. Thanks! It’s always good to laugh out loud. How did you find me? 🙂

  43. Maybe the FP Overlords are a sickly bunch and are looking for sketchy medical advice… 😉

  44. Oh, thank you so much! I always have fun writing these posts and it’s great to hear that readers have fun reading them!

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂

  45. I can’t wait, either! 😉

  46. The only freshly pressed I’m ever going to get, is my shirt in the morning… but I do like solidgoldcreativity’s comment.. can’t wait to see your reply to that one…

  47. I laughed out loud when I read this! You are definitely FP. I’m so happy I found your blog.

  48. It’s happened to me — being Freshly Pressed — twice. Once for a crap post, and once for a good one. The crap one got thousands of hits. The good one whizzed in and out of the FP page like the wind.

    But the secret? Put “Hey Doc?” in the title.

  49. You ae definitely FP! I laughed outloud at this one. That should show that I know a good blog when I read one.

  50. I laughed out loud at this one! You are definitely FP. I’m so glad I fouond you, that should show that I appreciate a good blog.

  51. Ha! I never even thought about trying to get recognized…not so sure they “get” poetry, anyway. Just know that I love you, Lorna. What else matters???

  52. I feel they chose you for a good reason! You are witty and unusual! You have a lot of people who enjoy you…. I am not too concerned about numbers or awards. I would like them, but that is when I will know I deserve them! You deserved it!!

  53. And when all else fails write a hilarious post about Freshly Pressed Fever. Heck, the FP Overlords should create a special place on the WP Home Page for your post.

  54. 1. OK. You used Scrappy again to soften us up. Have you no sense of decency, sir? ..er….uh….I mean, Lorna?

    2. No copyright infringement? That’s just plain cruel.

    3. Easy on the eyes? Heck, I put my wife’s picture in just about every other blog. She’s a babe. If pimping her out to the FP guys doesn’t do it….what’s left?

    4. I get it about the tags. My next one will be…..” Kate’s quints aren’t William’s!”

    5. As for my next blog title, how’s this?………”To the FP committee, if you don’t Freshly Press this blog, I will hunt you down and I will cut out your respective livers with a rusty knife!” Doubt they will ignore that.

    6. I complitly agre abot the typo parte.

  55. You succeeded in having me off my chair rolling on the floor lmfao!!! I hope it doesn’t come back, lol But I hope to see you again soon, so funny, Lorna xo

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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