Well, I had to adjust my position. I couldn't sit for too long given my, um, tender backside condition.

Well, I had to adjust my position. I couldn’t sit for too long given my, um, tender backside condition.

I was in a waiting room being a very patient Patient a few weeks ago when I saw a women’s magazine with an unusual theme: reinventing yourself. I don’t usually read women’s magazines, so maybe I’m not the best judge if this theme was all that unusual, but it struck me as odd.

I couldn’t help myself. I grabbed it and read what the various contributors had to suggest to women about reinventing themselves.

Before I get into the tips I’d like to share with you based on what my twisted mind got from this adventure into Women’s Media Land, I think it’s worth noting that I didn’t see any mention of why anyone (including the editor) thought that women needed to reinvent themselves. It was just presented as the thing to do.

Take a good look in the mirror, Ladies. Do you like what you see? Okay, not you, Ms. In Love With Yourself, but the 99.9% of you women who feel fundamentally flawed and worthless. Yes YOU!

Take a good look in the mirror, Ladies. Do you like what you see? Okay, not you, Ms. In Love With Yourself, but the 99.9% of you women who feel fundamentally flawed and worthless. Yes YOU!

 

“Hey, it’s a new year, so start thinking about a new you because the old you is, well, old, and that’s just not going to work given all the newness that’s happening.” At least that’s what I’m assuming they thought when the idea was pitched.

There wasn’t just one articles listing 95 things an old version of me could do to reinvent myself into someone new and theoretically better because of the newness factor. These tips were scattered all through the magazine as if women craving reinvention wanted to go on a freaking treasure hunt. But, I was in a physician’s waiting room, my butt having been recently reinvented, and I had time. So I went on the blasted Tips for Reinventing Myself Treasure Hunt.

Here’s what they offered to reinvent me and here’s my alternative if you’re really serious about the reinvention thing. I mean, if you’re going for new, then go for it already, right?

Make Up: They offered tips on the 2013 “in” colors for eye shadow (blue and pink) and nail polish (nude, gray, emerald, mango, and hot pink) and lipstick (orange). Ya huh. You could reinvent yourself by buying expensive and garish stuff to slather over your face and nails in a desperate attempt to look like a woman who can pull off pink eye shadow and not have people ask her why she’s been crying or wear orange lipstick an not look like you just finished an orange Popsicle. OR you could try something like this.

Imagine the money you'd save on make up and the conversations you'd start but wouldn't have to be a part of...

Imagine the money you’d save on make up and the conversations you’d start but wouldn’t have to be a part of…

Hair: Apparently, a woman can reinvent herself with a trip to her hair dresser. Try a new cut. If you have short hair, make it long. If you have thin hair, make it thick. Heck, if men can have erections on demand, surely we can control our hair. No? Not yet? Not even working on it? Hmmm. Well, then, Women, I say, to really reinvent yourself, grab some testosterone and grow some facial hair. I mean some real facial hair. Not the sparse kind you already have that you have to pluck, wax, of laser beam off. Just grow some chops.

Now that's what I can some major reinvention!

Now that’s what I call some major reinvention!

 

Wardrobe: Here the suggestions were to give away your old clothes to charity and find a new look, including a new color pallet, that screams “Look at me! I’m brand new!” I think giving your old clothes away is a great idea, but not all of them. That’s insane. Let’s say I love white and I get rid of all my beloved white clothes and buy a whole new wardrobe in black. Do I really think people won’t recognize me. “Who is that stranger all in black? She looks kind of familiar, but…” I don’t think so. If you really want to reinvent yourself, I say join a nudist colony. Just be prepared. After a while, everyone will recognize you.

 

Tonight's entertainment at Drafty Acres Nudist Colony will be Willy and the No Hands Band.

Tonight’s entertainment at Drafty Acres Nudist Colony will be Willy and the No Hands Band.

Relationships: “Make sure to schedule a ‘date night every week.” “Leave little love notes for your mate in unexpected places at unexpected times.” “Do fun things together.” Blah, blah, blah. Nothing new here. Do you want to really reinvent your relationship? Remodel your home.

I'm confused. What am I looking at here? Is this our wedding license, building permit, or separation papers?

I’m confused. What am I looking at here? Is this our wedding license, building permit, or separation papers?

Career: The advice I read was sprucing up your resume, taking classes in something you always wanted to learn more about, and volunteering. Yawn. How about really making a change? After all, we are talking about reinventing yourself. I suggest: becoming a spy (I’ve been watching MI5 a lot during my recuperation) if you’re into keeping secrets from your loved ones, remembering impossible-to-pronounce names and ridiculously long strings of numbers, having cells phones that never need recharging, and getting nearly blown to bits every episode  mission. Or you could join the Witness Protection Program to get a whole new identity. Of course, you would have to either commit a federal crime or witness one and be on someone’s hit-list, but, hey, you’d be reinvented.

When you go undercover, this is all in a days work.

When you go undercover, this is all in a day’s work.

Plato said that necessity is the mother of invention. After reading through that women’s magazine, I concluded that desperation is the mother of reinvention. But I may be wrong. It’s happened before.