Super Bowl Intel for the Sports-Impaired
If you’re like me:
- Congratulations! I live a very, um, interesting and, uh, special life.
- You are only excited about the Super Bowl because it means the end to another interminable football season, office betting pools, and maniacal large painted people who have come to terms with their husky mid-sections.
- You watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the half-time show, hoping for something that will occupy the news for weeks so you can say you saw it when it happened.
- You attend Super Bowl Parties rather than do your taxes because it’s more fun to eat 5,000 calories with a crowd. It only feels like you’re eating 500 calories because someone keeps filling the bowls and trays, thus making it appear as if you didn’t just eat all those wings, nachos, and 11″ Subway sandwiches.
- You don’t know anything about football but don’t want to look like a buffoon in front of your friends, family, and possible next love interest.
If you’re not like me:
- It’s okay, I’m sure you have some redeeming qualities that make you a fine person, even if you go ga-ga over hurling oval balls and gladiator-men slapping each other’s tight ends.
- You feel very superior to the rest of us football dolts, especially on Super Bowl Sunday. Until now. That’s right. You heard me. Until now.
I’m going to let People Like Me in on some very valuable Super Bowl Intel that will make you fit in this Sunday like you’ve followed football for at least a week. Yup. I know. It’s hard to believe, but stay with me, People Like Me. Who better than the Number One Football Dolt to tell you about how not to be a Number One Football Dolt?
Don’t answer that.
Just read these answers carefully and commit them to memory. If you do, even the most die-hard football fan will be impressed. (Maybe not with you, but s/he will be impressed with something, I can guarantee you that!)
What is Super Bowl Sunday? It’s a football game that takes place on a Sunday.
Why do they call it a “Super Bowl?” Either because someone a long time ago couldn’t spell “ball” or was from the South and said, “This here’s gonna be one heck of a super bo-wool game, Billy Bob!” And the person who heard it was from the North and thought they said “bowl” (as in cereal) rather than “ball” (as in bouncy). This is also why, beyond the slavery thing, the North and South don’t see eye to eye. They have a communication issue.
Who gets to play in the Super Bowl? Two football teams.
Which ones? That’s tricky. I don’t think it’s one from a “blue state” and one from a “red state.” It could be one from the South and one from the North, but that’s not right, either. Maybe it’s and Good Witch from the East/West thing. That sounds like it. This year it’s all about some birds against the not-quite-50 crowd. Ravens? 49-ers?
How is the game played? In fits and starts, but mostly stops. And lots and lots of downs. It’s kind of depressing, really.
How long is the game? Until at least Monday.
How does the scoring work? That is a secret.
What are some of the most commonly used terms in the game and what do they mean?
- Blitz: This a delicious thin pancake often rolled and stuffed with savory or sweet fillings. Oh, that’s a blintz. Sorry. A blitz is when the quarterback is rolled and stuffed by the other team.
- Fair Catch: A single and really good-looking player, spectator, vendor, or anyone on Game Day who is interested in you (as long as you’re available, too). It also has something to do with some guy receiving a punt or a kick and not being tackled if he actually catches the darned oval ball.
- Interception: When you are supposed to pass on something delicious that is meant for someone else, but you can’t resist and you gobble it up yourself. This is allowed because, hey, all is fair on Game Day. This also applies to oval balls spinning in the air. Even if it wasn’t thrown at you, you can catch it. Personally I’d duck at an incoming projectile, but that’s just me.
- Red Zone: I have this patch of skin around my butt that is inflamed. It covers about…never mind. The Red Zone is close to the End Zone. Hey, wait a minute…
- Unsportsmanlike Conduct: It’s not nice to run up behind people, jump on them and pin them to the ground. Or run smack-dab into them at full speed. Spitting is gross, too. But all this is perfectly sportsmanlike in football. Sticking out your tongue and saying “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo” is what the refs don’t like. Also double-dipping in the onion dip at the Game Party is forbidden.
- Wide Receiver: 87% of the people you see from behind at Walmart. Also one of the kinds of players on each team.
So, now you are armed to mix with the Super Bowl fans on Game Day and not feel like a complete idiot. Either that, or do what I do. Go to the movies and see the best picture nominees for the Academy Awards. Trust me, no one will miss you.