Super Bowl Intel for the Sports-Impaired

What do you mean? I could know a lot about football and the Super Bowl. I just choose not to know a lot about either. My head is so full other things. Blonde Things.

What do you mean? I could know a lot about football and the Super Bowl. I just choose not to know a lot about either. My head is so full other things. Blonde Things.

If you’re like me:

  1. Congratulations! I live a very, um, interesting and, uh, special life.
  2. You are only excited about the Super Bowl because it means the end to another interminable football season, office betting pools, and maniacal large painted people who have come to terms with their husky mid-sections.
  3. You watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the half-time show, hoping for something that will occupy the news for weeks so you can say you saw it when it happened.
  4. You attend Super Bowl Parties rather than do your taxes because it’s more fun to eat 5,000 calories with a crowd. It only feels like you’re eating 500 calories because someone keeps filling the bowls and trays, thus making it appear as if you didn’t just eat all those wings, nachos, and 11″ Subway sandwiches.
  5. You don’t know anything about football but don’t want to look like a buffoon in front of your friends, family, and possible next love interest.
I'm happy for you, really I am. I just can't understand you.

I’m happy for you, really I am. I just can’t understand you. I’m glad you found each other. Please don’t find me.

If you’re not like me:

  1. It’s okay, I’m sure you have some redeeming qualities that make you a fine person, even if you go ga-ga over hurling oval balls and gladiator-men slapping each other’s tight ends.
  2. You feel very superior to the rest of us football dolts, especially on Super Bowl Sunday. Until now. That’s right. You heard me. Until now.
Oh yeah, you heard me. Game on!

Oh yeah, you heard me. Game on!

I’m going to let People Like Me in on some very valuable Super Bowl Intel that will make you fit in this Sunday like you’ve followed football for at least a week. Yup. I know. It’s hard to believe, but stay with me, People Like Me. Who better than the Number One Football Dolt to tell you about how not to be a Number One Football Dolt?

Don’t answer that.

Just read these answers carefully and commit them to memory. If you do, even the most die-hard football fan will be impressed. (Maybe not with you, but s/he will be impressed with something, I can guarantee you that!)

I gotta tell ya. Iz impressed with what you got going here. Where's you learn all this fandinkle shizzle about football and the Superest of Bowls?

I gotta tell ya. Iz impressed with what you got going on here. Where’d you learn all this fandinkle shizzle about football and the Superest of Bowlies?

What is Super Bowl Sunday? It’s a football game that takes place on a Sunday.

Why do they call it a “Super Bowl?” Either because someone a long time ago couldn’t spell “ball” or was from the South and said, “This here’s gonna be one heck of a super bo-wool game, Billy Bob!” And the person who heard it was from the North and thought they said “bowl” (as in cereal) rather than “ball” (as in bouncy). This is also why, beyond the slavery thing, the North and South don’t see eye to eye. They have a communication issue.

Who gets to play in the Super Bowl? Two football teams.

Which ones? That’s tricky. I don’t think it’s one from a “blue state” and one from a “red state.” It could be one from the South and one from the North, but that’s not right, either. Maybe it’s and Good Witch from the East/West thing. That sounds like it. This year it’s all about some birds against the not-quite-50 crowd. Ravens? 49-ers?

How is the game played? In fits and starts, but mostly stops. And lots and lots of downs. It’s kind of depressing, really.

How long is the game? Until at least Monday.

How does the scoring work? That is a secret.

What are some of the most commonly used terms in the game and what do they mean?

  • Blitz: This a delicious thin pancake often rolled and stuffed with savory or sweet fillings. Oh, that’s a blintz. Sorry. A blitz is when the quarterback is rolled and stuffed by the other team.
  • Fair Catch: A single and really good-looking player, spectator, vendor, or anyone on Game Day who is interested in you (as long as you’re available, too). It also has something to do with some guy receiving a punt or a kick and not being tackled if he actually catches the darned oval ball.
  • Interception: When you are supposed to pass on something delicious that is meant for someone else, but you can’t resist and you gobble it up yourself. This is allowed because, hey, all is fair on Game Day. This also applies to oval balls spinning in the air. Even if it wasn’t thrown at you, you can catch it. Personally I’d duck at an incoming projectile, but that’s just me.
  • Red Zone: I have this patch of skin around my butt that is inflamed. It covers about…never mind. The Red Zone is close to the End Zone. Hey, wait a minute…
  • Unsportsmanlike Conduct: It’s not nice to run up behind people, jump on them and pin them to the ground. Or run smack-dab into them at full speed. Spitting is gross, too. But all this is perfectly sportsmanlike in football. Sticking out your tongue and saying “Nanny-nanny-boo-boo” is what the refs don’t like. Also double-dipping in the onion dip at the Game Party is forbidden.
  • Wide Receiver: 87% of the people you see from behind at Walmart. Also one of the kinds of players on each team.

So, now you are armed to mix with the Super Bowl fans on Game Day and not feel like a complete idiot. Either that, or do what I do. Go to the movies and see the best picture nominees for the Academy Awards. Trust me, no one will miss you.

There's more People Like Me than I thought. And none of us want to be identifies as non-Super Bowl Lovers.

There’s more People Like Me than I thought. And none of us want to be identifies as non-Super Bowl Lovers.

~ by Lorna's Voice on January 31, 2013.

33 Responses to “Super Bowl Intel for the Sports-Impaired”

  1. 🙂

  2. Oh you are Lorna … you are definitely! 🙂

  3. I like to know that I’m such wonderful twisted company! 😉

  4. Oh you’re unique Lorna, but some of us as just as twisted as your are 🙂

  5. Well, now you know next to nothing! 😉

  6. Thanks for the lesson, Lorna. I know nothing about the super bowl living in South Africa. 🙂

  7. OK, but I have dibs on any leftover meds! Seriously, good to have you back. Rest well!

  8. I’m loopier than usual because I need the pain meds to help me through this recovery. This surgery is one big pain in the you-know-where. It’s been hard to type all day long as I’ve tried to comment on blogs that I left unattended to all weekend.

    In another few days, I should be back to my normal dizzy, but not druggy self. Thanks for asking, Al!

  9. Hey, Lorna! How are you feeling? Been thinkin bout ya!

  10. That’s St. Patrick’s Day, right? Remember, I’m Sports Impaired! 😉

  11. Yeah, and this year it was delayed about 34 minutes because of an electricity problem. Like the game needs more delays…

  12. Yours sounds just abut as fun as ours. Personally, I like dog agility trials… 😉

  13. I think that’s all it takes to be an expert on the game on Super Bowl Sunday–just stuff yourself with junk food so when someone asks you a football-realred question, your answer an be garbled by the food in your mouth! 😉

  14. Oh, that was good! 🙂

  15. Be more accurately informed about football? 😉

  16. It’s a mystery to me, too–even with all the extensive research I did on the topic!! 😉

  17. Glad to know I’m not the only one! 😉

  18. I know I was taking a chance spoofing this beloved sport, but I couldn’t help myself!

  19. HAHAHA … very funny. Super Bowl is some serious stuff. The commercial and the half time show is the best part.
    Keep those very important descriptions on things coming our way. hahaha

  20. Very funny post … I agree “ball” “bowl” kinda sounds the same right? Only you can actually do some damage to a “ball” like turn it blue, or whack it with a bowl. I’m definitely sports impaired.

  21. I knew the Super Bowl was due to come on. So, now I know it’s this Sunday. I don’t understand why we have to go through this every year.

  22. What would I do without you!

  23. Whew! Thank you so much – I thought I’d look like a total idiot on the off chance anyone asks me about the game. Now I know all the answers and can look like a real athletic supporter!

  24. Thanks so much for the info, the Super Bowl is of course not something we take very much interest in over this side of the pond, but now that I am armed with all the info I can strut around pretending I know all about it while eating chips and dip.

  25. The only super bowl I know is the big one I put my Ice cream in so that I can add my chocolate pieces and sauces… don’t have that game here… we have Rugby that is played hard and fast and the only stops are to carry off the injured… and also half time.. but no entertainment.. only a short break to give the players time to change into clean kit so there is no puking by the spectators as the blood stains get more…

  26. AH! the SUPER BOWEL is on the move.

    A game that lasts one hour stretched into a five hour game.

    Played by fat, unfit, over paid men.

    Padded so much they look like freaks ( maybe they are.)

    Four teams within a team 🙂 coached by four teams of coaches 😦

    If they catch the ball they are mobed by the other players.

    Then the winners are called the world champions, what rubbish.

    How can they be world champions when they only played us teams.

    BUT, i’ll watch it until i get bored, the first quarter, thats about two hours.

  27. You’re right. The super bowl does mean an end to that interminable football season. It’s important to have that closure so we can move on to March Madness! Yes!!!

  28. Thanks! I had fun with this one… 🙂

  29. Well, at least I tried to make it a bit more understandable to People Like Us! 🙂

  30. Well, if I had to root for a team, that would be a reason I would pick! 😉

  31. That was quite entertaining. Thanks for that. I’m for the birds in this one. The reason has nothing to do with football. I’m a fan of Edgar Allen Poe, and the Ravens are named after his poem.

  32. I can now look at this game in a different light.. preferable with it off…still no better off with rules, but I like yours..;)

  33. Hilarious!!!!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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