Let me repeat, zee male pee-pee parts represents da power. So, ya, women have the pee-pee envy but zoz psycho Americans can have zee potentate envy as well. It all quivite simple.

Let me repeat, zee male pee-pee parts represent da power. So, ya, women have da pee-pee envy but zoz psycho Americans can have zee potentate envy as well. It eez all quivite simple.

Admit it. I have you guessing about what the heck this post is about, don’t I?

Well, don’t blame me. Blame:

  • abysmally ineffective decongestants and cough suppressants that kept me awake last night
  • the person or persons who generously shared their $#@%!~ upper respiratory virus with me–the one my doctor quaintly calls the “100-day cough”
  • the easily distracted network news producers or whomever decides which stories are important enough for us to know half-truths about

I try not to watch the news, but sometimes I get stuck, like when I it’s on and I can’t find the remote. That happens a lot lately.

Well, um, gee, thanks. I guess it will be harder to lose that one. But I am kind of weak right now. Will I be able to pick that thing up?

Well, um, gee, thanks. I guess it will be harder to lose that one. But I am kind of weak right now. Will I be able to pick that thing up?

As a result, I’ve noticed something. Well, it was kind of inevitable that I would notice something, wasn’t it?

Brian Williams faces seems kind of smooshed to one side and NBC news shows seem to have a thing for brunettes. But that’s not what I noticed, although both are kind of curious.

It's not mean whose leaning, is it? It could be me, but I really don't think so.

It’s not me whose leaning to the left, is it? It could be me, but I really don’t think so.

They, and by “they” I mean “not me,” are obsessed with Britain’s Royal Family. I kind of thought the whole point of starting a new country way back when was to get away from British rule. But History was never my favorite subject, so I could be wrong.

Am I the only one who had noticed that Americans seem to be missing that glammy thing only Royals bring to a monarchy that presidents and congress people in our plain old democracy just can’t pull off even on their best days? Why else would we preëmpt regularly scheduled programs (that shut-ins like me depend on for our daily stimulation and reality checks) to broadcast Royal weddings, Jubilees, the shenanigans of a couple of young princes, and now a royal “pregers” (that’s “pregnancy” for those of us who don’t speak the Queen’s English).

They have the best floats in their parades over in England. We just blow up giant balloons. We're such kids...

They have the best floats in their parades over in England. We just blow up giant balloons that are hard to control. We’re such kids…

I understand all the fuss about Diana. I mean she was Diana and got married to that horsey-faced Charles, who never really loved her. Plus, lots of people said I resembled Diana, so the hullabaloo around Diana is totally warranted.

Exhibit A: A young Princess Diana...

Exhibit A: A young Princess Diana…

Exhibit B: A young Lorna. Okay, so it's a crappy picture and I don't have a tiara...yet. But you see the resemblance, right?

Exhibit B: A young Lorna. Okay, so it’s a crappy picture and I don’t have a tiara…yet. But you see the resemblance, right?

But, the Queen? Come on. She’s geriatric. Okay, she wears snappy hats that go with her old-fashioned purses, but she moves as slowly as any 86-year-old rich woman in America. Why is the American press speculating about Charles wanting his “mum” (that’s “mom”) to give up the throne? Is this a matter of foreign policy or gossip? The same with Harry’s partying proclivities. He’s not even in line for the throne…well, maybe the throne, but not THE throne.

He keeps that up, one end of Harry or another will end up on, or in, the throne.

He keeps that up, one end of Harry or another will end up on, or in, the throne.

And then there’s Wills and Kate and the Princess and their unborn baby (not twins, I hear). Kate may officially a Duchess, but in America’s eyes, she’s a Princess. And the poor girl had morning sickness. So she was hospitalized. Do you know what happened when I had puke-my-spleen-out morning sickness? Saltine crackers and ginger ale. And I still had to make it to work on time. What the heck is she going to do with the hemorrhoids? Call in MI5 to flush those insidious terrorists out?

Oh, how could I forget the latest hoopla about Kate’s official portrait “scandal.” Does she look “mature,” “mean,” “or “marvelous?” Forget the assault weapons ban. We need to get this foreign wife of grandson of British Queen portrait matter resolved. And fast!

Not for nothin'. But if Ya wanna talk assault weapons? Here's your case in point. The so called artist otta be shot.

Not for nothin’. But if Ya wanna talk assault weapons? Here’s your case in point. Dis so-called arteest otta be shot.

Why do I even know about this stuff? I’m better informed about the Royal Family than I am about the U.S. Supreme Court.

What do you know about these people?

What do you know about these people? I know Judge Thomas (the one seated on the far right) just broke seven years of silence with three words, which didn’t even form a complete sentence in response to another judge and has never once asked a lawyer a question.

Why is the American Media so fascinated with Britain’s Royal Family, especially given our history of, oh, that little thing called the Revolutionary War? I’d like to know what you think…

Please help me understand. I facing a lot of sleepless nights and my remote is still missing. Do you where to find the buttons to change channels on a flat-screen TV? I think they took them off…

Maybe you had to sit close because the screen was so darned small and you had to fiddle with the reception, but at least you knew how to change the channels.

Maybe you had to sit close because the screen was so darned small and you had to fiddle with the reception all the time, but at least you knew how to change the channels. Look how happy these people are!