Hold on a minute, Sailor. Let me figure out where I've been before I figure out where we're going.

Oh yeah. Now I remember. I promised to show you some of my, um, more personal stuff. And by “stuff,” I mean Internet search terms, Honey. So don’t get your stove stoked unless reading is your thing.

Dear Readers,

When last the Divine Ms. L. left you, she promised to share with you some of the more, shall we say interesting search terms this little blog has attracted over the last several months. The Divine Ms. L. is at a loss for why some people have unsupervised access to a computer, but they do, and these are the kinds of things on their little unsupervised minds.

Some of these people are looking for answers. Some have the answer and they insist on sharing them. Either way, The Divine Ms. L is going to have the last word.

Venting,  Declarations, and General Nonsense

yelling

Yeah, well, I’m not impressed with your supposed horse sense either! So there!

“You can’t handle the truth.” How do you know that? Maybe it is YOU who can’t handle the truth. What truth are we talking about anyway? I can’t handle the ambiguity, but I’m working on it. Are you?

“I love my dog with captions.” I know! The captions make it so much easier to figure out Scrappy: why he refuses to poop when I ask him so nicely to poop on command, why he snubs his nose at certain very expensive treats, when to fluff his pillows–stuff like that. Since the captions, my relationship with Scrappy improved 100%, according to the captions. I hope the anti-psychotic meds don’t take away the captions bubbles…

“My mother dressed me like a girl.” Mine, too! We have so much in common.

“Lorna as Wednesday Addams.” I thought I made it perfectly clear in one of my memoir stories that I am Thursday’s Child, thus I have far to go. I don’t think that means I have to go to all the to Wednesday or to another family or change my hair color or carry around a beheaded doll. But, I could be wrong. It’s happened at least a few times before.

“Sorry Lorna.” This one kind of scares me. Is this a post or a pre apology? And for what?

“You don’t know whose’s a dog on the other side.” I can’t argue with that. But, for the record, you don’t know whose not a dog on the other side.

“I want to get my cockatoo a Halloween costume.” Good luck with that. And make sure your insurance covers disguised tropical bird attacks.

“We need more power.” Yeah, well, join the club.

“I’m just twiddling my thumbs, say anything.” Okay. Anything.

“You’re no big bird.” I never said I was. Enough with the insults. That was an insult, right?

Questions that Make You Wonder About the Future of our Civilization

Um, we have a question. Um, we forgot the question. Oh, yeah, whose that guy standing next to me?

Um, we have a question. Um, we forgot the question. Oh, yeah, whose that guy standing next to me?

“If it’s 7 AM what should the clock hand look like?” I hate to break this to you, but there are at least two hands on a clock that has hands, so this is either a trick question, or you really need to get a digital clock because the “hand” concept is over your head.

“Sexy poses for my boyfriends. Know any?” Have you noticed that politicians, pundits and people who don’t know the answers, respond to questions with questions? I’m not any of those types of people, but I have little choice here. Do I know any of your boyfriends? Um, don’t think so. Do I know any sexy poses? Yessiree! But I’m not sharing because you’re heading for enough trouble as it is.

“Who Drove Miss Daisy?” Finally, an easy one! Miss Daisy’s driver drove her.

“Are people lying when they begin a sentence with honesty?” It depends.  If you start a sentence with honesty, most likely you’re not lying. Maybe some examples will help. “Honesty from me drove my ex-husband bonkers.” I’m telling the truth (as far as I know). But consider this. “Honesty is the best policy.” Was Ben Franklin being honest when he said this? Is honesty really the best (primo, pick-of-the-litter) policy of  all the policies humans can create? Probably not. So old trust-worthy Benny was not being honest. Honesty is a sticky subject. (That was honest.) See? It depends.

“Lorna I’m starving got any gin?”  Well, I’ve got this Drunken Shrimp recipe, but it calls for vodka, not gin. The shrimp will probably be neutral about a booze  substitution, but I’m thinking it will taste a lot different. Hey! I know, drink enough gin and you won’t care.

“Is there an expiry date to poke someone back?” My only experience with poking is on the playground and there are very specific rules about expiry dates on poking. Listen carefully. A face-to-face poke requires an immediate poke-back; otherwise, you’ll be branded a loser until you graduate or drop out. Pokes from behind give you more leeway. You have to turn and run after the little coward, so the poke-back period depends on: 1.) your speed, 2.) the poker’s speed, 3.) obstacles between you and the poker, 4.) Playground Monitors, 5.) weather conditions, and 6.) other factors that we’ll call “Y.” Actually this would be a great math problem. Much better than the two trains traveling at different rates of speed that left the station at the same time…

“What does clearly confused mean?” Are you trying to make this easy for me?

 Well, that is it for now. The Divine Ms. L. shall return when she has more zany internet search terms to share. Until then we meet again…

Scrappy is on the job helping the Divine Ms. L. keep up with all the news that fit to print.

…Scrappy is on the job helping the Divine Ms. L. keep up with all the news that fit to print.