Hold on a minute, Sailor. Let me figure out where I've been before I figure out where we're going.

Hold on a minute, Sailor. Let me figure out where I’ve been before I figure out where we’re going.

Dear Readers,

The Divine Ms. L. has been in a coma on an extended retreat. Not to worry! She’s feeling quite alive refreshed at the moment and wishes to catch up on the gob-doodles of weird, wonky, and wacky-tabbacy search terms that led way too many Internet-cruiser nincompoops to this totally G-Rated and wholesome blog.

You'd think you'd know when you were headed in the wrong direction.

You’d think you’d know when you were headed in the wrong direction.

You have to scour the archives around here pretty far back to find the last time The Divine Ms. L. made an appearance. She knows you missed her. She’s sorry, but she’s a very busy Divine Blogger, what with being in a coma on an extended retreat and all. So click the above link to catch up on her past posts, then settle yourselves in for the best  worst  best of the search terms that are making Lorna’s Voice an Internet phenom the bane of many a frustrated internet Dudley-Do-Wrong.

The Divine Ms. L. Thinks These People Need to Find Specialized Dating Sites

So. You think it's my tie? My posture? My ho-hum job? I'm telling ya, the ladies seem to love my sensitive eyes and oh-so-kissable lips, but I just can't them to date me more than once. What am I doing wrong?

So. You think it’s my tie? My posture? My ho-hum job? I’m telling ya, the ladies seem to love my sensitive eyes and oh-so-kissable lips, but they never return my calls. What  am I doing wrong?

“Full Body Cast Woman.” How kinky can one get when at least one of the parties is in a full body cast? Well, I suppose there is always the thrill of spectating…and signing the cast with a a naughty-colored Sharpie… In the last 3 months, 76 searches leading to this blog had something to do with a “full body cast.”

“Kentucky Derby Topless.” This prestigious sporting event is always run with saddles and little caps on the horses. The jockeys must wear helmets as well. If these 26 people are looking for a topless party to watch the Derby, this blog will not sponsor nor condone such a soiree. Imagine all the jumping at the end of the race. It would be enough to make one forget the results.

“Old Prostitute.” 16 searchers are looking for a seasoned call-girl, um, er, call-woman. I’m 55 and 55 is the new 40 around here, People, so stop looking at this blog for “old” anythings.

“Donkey Marriage.” I believe that the Defense of Marriage Act prohibits marriage even between consenting donkeys, stating that anything that brays together stays together regardless of a piece of paper, which they would rather eat or poop on than file away properly anyway. (3 searches)

“Dog with Sexy Woman.” This is what happens when we leave our canine friends alone all day with our computers and WiFi not password protected. (4 searches)

“Girls Feeling Each Other.” To preserve the G-rating of this site, we are going to assume these 4 searches were about how women have that “6th sense” about each others’ feelings, okay? Focus, People! We’re pretending it’s about feelings, not feeling.

The Divine Ms. L. Would Love to Help You Find These Things, But She Can’t Because You’re Crazy

Don'[t look at me like that. I know this hat is awesome. It will be awesomer when I have the matching mini-cape to go with it. I'm still searching for it on E-Bay and random blogs.

I know! This hat is awesome! It will be awesomer when I have the matching mini-cape to go with it. I’m still searching for it on E-Bay and random blogs.

“Dog Psychiatrist.” Of course there are people trained in helping dogs work out their emotional issues. But something tells the Divine Ms. L. that these 16 searchers were looking for dogs to serve as psychiatrists for them. On the bright side, when the pooches write out your prescriptions, they will probably be as legible as if they were written by a human MD.

“Camera Flash Bra.” Yes, this would be an awesome accessory, especially for those awkward moments when people (men) are conversing with your (women) boobs, but with the possible exception Madonna, such women’s apparel is not available for mere female mortals. (4 searches)

“Giant Women’s Closets.” Are these 3 searchers looking for giant closets for women to store their clothes in or for closets for giant women to store their giant-sized wardrobes in? In the end, it hardly matters. The closets would have to be rather large in either case.

“Miniature Alcohol Bottle Collectors.”  Is anyone else getting a Gulliver’s Traveler’s vibe? First giant women, now alcohol bottle collectors who are tiny… (also 3 searches)

“Owls wearing clothes.” Have you ever tried to put a sweater on an rapture? Have you ever had your thumb bitten off or your eyes gouged out. Maybe these 3 searchers were looking for stuffed owls decked out in their holiday finest apparel.

“Fox Anchor Cleavage.” Why are you looking at this blog for that? Why are you not going to the source of the FOX cleavage? Lorna is a middle child, not a middle man. (2 searches)

“No No Tub.” Experts agree that showers are more sanitary than tubs, especially “no no, tubs,” which sound full of bacteria and debauchery, so why would anyone be searching for one of these tubs? But the people who sell The Snuggie and The Pasta Boat probable sell these, too.(2 searches)

Stay tuned for Part 2 when The Divine Ms. L. will address a veritable snafu-stew of zany internet search questions and outright dares that landed in her lap…well, lap top.

Bring it on, Wonga-tonga Internet Searcher. The Divine Ms. L. can handle anything move you have to throw at her.

Bring it on, Wonga-Tonga Internet Searcher. The Divine Ms. L. can handle any move you throw at her.