Okay, technically, they were part of the 1%, but how do you think they are doing now? Yeah. They are struggling like the rest of us. At least they have a collector car.

Maybe it’s just me, but I was under the impression that America is flat broke. Isn’t that what all the candidates are sniping at each other about?

I’m just a dizzy blonde who managed to avoid taking Economics in college because, let’s face it, I cared about my reputation. Being seen with people who understood the difference between inflation and deflation but who weren’t referring to either tires or egos just made me nervous.

Hey! We’re going for a private tour of the Federal Reserve! Wanna go, Lorna?

Still, I think I’ve figured out a way to help edge us out of our current fiscal nightmare AND address my teensy  casual  reasonable  maniacal objection to holidays. Halloween, specifically–but only because Halloween is the holiday I have to deal with right now.

Listen up, People. You’re going to want to know these true facts about Halloween. How do I know that these are true facts, as opposed to regular facts that, say, politicians and comedians use to inform the public? Because I found them on the internet, that’s how.

What? Bananas are really berries and they are radioactive? Hmm. I may have to adjust my diet. The internet may have just saved my life.  Or ruined it. Either way, I’m addicted.

If you clicked on the link I provided, you probably couldn’t tell if this page was built by brainiacs at  Harvard or at Yale. I know, it’s that reputable-looking.

If you didn’t click on the link, which you probably didn’t if you’re like me and just believe the blogger you’re reading or are too lazy  busy, I’ll share the most important true facts. In America:

  • About $3 BILLION is spent each year on Halloween costumes.
  • About $500 MILLION goes to tickets for Haunted House attractions, whether they are haunted or not. I added that last part.
  • About $141 MILLION is spent on pumpkins, and either that’s a lot of pie or a lot of  potential jack-o-lantern related ER visits. Either way, that figure doesn’t calculate the health care costs associated with all those pumpkins.
  • About $2 BILLION is spent on candy for the Trick-or-Treaters. And they never do tricks for the treats like Scrappy does.
  • About $100 MILLION is spent on Halloween cards. I find this amazing. People send cards? In the mail? That means there must be a spike in postage stamp sales, too.

So, by my calculations, Americans are spending the equivalent of building 1,000 $6 Million Men for Halloween, a holiday that is either spirit-centric or sugar-centric, depending on your beliefs.

We may need to allocate some federal funds for better choppers and spiffier duds for our 1,000 handsome secrets weapons. You only get one chance to make a first impression during an invasion.

Maybe that’s America’s new military plan. Build 1,000 handsome robot men to infiltrate enemy territories near and far. Either they will flirt or hurt their way to victory. Backing them up will be legions of candy-addicted adults and kids.  They will either:

  1. be hopped up on simple sugars and confuse or exhaust the enemy, or
  2. be agitated, peeved and generally unglued from the sugar-high crash and just looking for a fight.

    I wouldn’t want to mess with her. Would you?

Brilliant! But I wouldn’t want to be Commander in Charge of this New Military. Why? Because loosey-goosey glucosey troops can be unpredictable and$6 Million Men-Parts have a tendency to kersplode.

But I digress. We spend a lot of money on Halloween for being a country so far in debt that most of us can’t count that high. Or would that be low since it’s debt we’re talking about?

I’m confused. If you ignore the labels (and most people do when faced with statistical charts), is this a graph of the rising national debt, the increase in expenditures on Halloween, or the blood-glucose level of Trick-or-Treaters? It could be all three.

At least the Halloween Job Creators are making out like bandits. Such was it ever…

Those fat cats with new money are always trying to horn in on our action. I’m pretty tired of them hanging on to our coattails, aren’t you?