I think Lorna’s gotten herself into some trouble again. She really shouldn’t be left alone.

In an uncharacteristic move, I’m going to come right out with it. There’s no delicate way to put this. I can’t sugar-coat this turd to make it look like a gourmet dessert called Death by Chocolate that you pay $9.99 for at some chichi restaurant. Nope. I have to just blurt it out.

Yeah. That’s him. Kind of.

I was propositioned for S.E.X. (Something Engrossing ending in “X”). Online. By a stranger. A young, swarthy one, who looks a lot like Tom Jones’ grandson (shirt open to expose his chest, fluffy hair–the works). I know this because of his gravatar and you can always trust the photos people use for their gravatars, right?

I use a recent picture for my gravatar so everyone does, right? Sure, their are cartoon characters, animals, or famous people gravatars, but how do I know that they aren’t really cartoon characters, animals, or famous people? The alien-looking gravatars freak me out, though. Am I making contact with extraterrestrials? What must they think of humans if I’m the one they are talking to?

I really need to upgrade my laptop. It doesn’t fit very well on my lap. While I’m out, I might get my hair teased some more. Size matters, you know, especially to aliens.

But I digress (which is kind of characteristic of me). Back to my cyber-sex-creepster.

Let’s be clear:

  1. I’ve never been on a dating site.
  2. I don’t have accounts on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Pinterest, or any of those new-fangled social media thingies I don’t even know about.
  3. I’m a member of AARP, but I’m pretty sure they keep their member information as secure as Depends undergarments keep pee from staining the stretchy pants of their members when they sneeze.
  4. I have a wonderful relationship with Phil. There happen to be two of them, but our relationships are very different.
  5. I joined Goodreads.com because I’m a book geek.
  6. I buy a lot of tea from Amazon.com.
  7. I have a blog that some people like to visit.

Do I fit the profile of someone looking for a hot date with a virtual stranger?

Thank you. I didn’t think so either. But one of the items on the list above put me on the cyber “hubba hubba” market.

Care to guess which one?

Do I look like a mind reader or a good guesser? Or even a snappy dresser?

Goodreads.com. Yup.

Here’s what happened.

Do tell, Lorna. I belong to Goodreads and I certainly could be a target for cyber S.E.X. Just look at this package. Men can’t resist me. Especially ones who have never met me. So I know how you feel.

I’ve been a member of Goodreads for a few months. In that time I’ve gotten 3 friend requests. I don’t know why they have “friends” on this site. Discussion forums, I understand; “friends,” not so much. Anyway, being the affable person, I accepted each request and never heard from these “friends” again.

On Wednesday (10/10/12), which in numerology must mean “creepsters will find you,” I got a another friend request from “Dwayne.” This isn’t the name connected to his gravatar but it could be his real name in real life. I know, it’s confusing to me, too. I saw “Dwayne’s” picture and wondered, “Huh, this guy reads memoirs?” But, like all the others, I accepted his friend request. This was at 3:12 pm.

At 4:26 pm, I got this email from “Dwayne:”

nice to meet you 
what are your intersts?

i have a strong interest in erotica
I hope that doesnt turn you off?

I don’t generally jump to conclusions, but this time, I did.

  1. He has very poor grammar and language skills.
  2. He seems polite enough. But it’s hard to maintain an air of respect for a person and work the word “erotica” into your introductory remarks.

Here’s how I responded:

No erotica for me! I’m an old-fashioned gal who likes to read memoirs and novels with twisty plots and three-dimensional characters. How did you find me, anyway? Just curious.

To find out what happened next, stay tuned…

What? You’re leaving us hanging…again? Did creepy Tom Jones find the lady in the hat drinking tea? She was hot!