Looking for “Love” in All the Well-Read Places, Part 1

I think Lorna’s gotten herself into some trouble again. She really shouldn’t be left alone.

In an uncharacteristic move, I’m going to come right out with it. There’s no delicate way to put this. I can’t sugar-coat this turd to make it look like a gourmet dessert called Death by Chocolate that you pay $9.99 for at some chichi restaurant. Nope. I have to just blurt it out.

Yeah. That’s him. Kind of.

I was propositioned for S.E.X. (Something Engrossing ending in “X”). Online. By a stranger. A young, swarthy one, who looks a lot like Tom Jones’ grandson (shirt open to expose his chest, fluffy hair–the works). I know this because of his gravatar and you can always trust the photos people use for their gravatars, right?

I use a recent picture for my gravatar so everyone does, right? Sure, their are cartoon characters, animals, or famous people gravatars, but how do I know that they aren’t really cartoon characters, animals, or famous people? The alien-looking gravatars freak me out, though. Am I making contact with extraterrestrials? What must they think of humans if I’m the one they are talking to?

I really need to upgrade my laptop. It doesn’t fit very well on my lap. While I’m out, I might get my hair teased some more. Size matters, you know, especially to aliens.

But I digress (which is kind of characteristic of me). Back to my cyber-sex-creepster.

Let’s be clear:

  1. I’ve never been on a dating site.
  2. I don’t have accounts on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Pinterest, or any of those new-fangled social media thingies I don’t even know about.
  3. I’m a member of AARP, but I’m pretty sure they keep their member information as secure as Depends undergarments keep pee from staining the stretchy pants of their members when they sneeze.
  4. I have a wonderful relationship with Phil. There happen to be two of them, but our relationships are very different.
  5. I joined Goodreads.com because I’m a book geek.
  6. I buy a lot of tea from Amazon.com.
  7. I have a blog that some people like to visit.

Do I fit the profile of someone looking for a hot date with a virtual stranger?

Thank you. I didn’t think so either. But one of the items on the list above put me on the cyber “hubba hubba” market.

Care to guess which one?

Do I look like a mind reader or a good guesser? Or even a snappy dresser?

Goodreads.com. Yup.

Here’s what happened.

Do tell, Lorna. I belong to Goodreads and I certainly could be a target for cyber S.E.X. Just look at this package. Men can’t resist me. Especially ones who have never met me. So I know how you feel.

I’ve been a member of Goodreads for a few months. In that time I’ve gotten 3 friend requests. I don’t know why they have “friends” on this site. Discussion forums, I understand; “friends,” not so much. Anyway, being the affable person, I accepted each request and never heard from these “friends” again.

On Wednesday (10/10/12), which in numerology must mean “creepsters will find you,” I got a another friend request from “Dwayne.” This isn’t the name connected to his gravatar but it could be his real name in real life. I know, it’s confusing to me, too. I saw “Dwayne’s” picture and wondered, “Huh, this guy reads memoirs?” But, like all the others, I accepted his friend request. This was at 3:12 pm.

At 4:26 pm, I got this email from “Dwayne:”

nice to meet you 
what are your intersts?

i have a strong interest in erotica
I hope that doesnt turn you off?

I don’t generally jump to conclusions, but this time, I did.

  1. He has very poor grammar and language skills.
  2. He seems polite enough. But it’s hard to maintain an air of respect for a person and work the word “erotica” into your introductory remarks.

Here’s how I responded:

No erotica for me! I’m an old-fashioned gal who likes to read memoirs and novels with twisty plots and three-dimensional characters. How did you find me, anyway? Just curious.

To find out what happened next, stay tuned…

What? You’re leaving us hanging…again? Did creepy Tom Jones find the lady in the hat drinking tea? She was hot!

~ by Lorna's Voice on October 14, 2012.

42 Responses to “Looking for “Love” in All the Well-Read Places, Part 1”

  1. Ideas do have to come from somewhere … haha

  2. Hahaha … 😉

  3. True. It wasn’t like I was baiting the guy or any of the hundreds out there. (It’s probably more like thousands, right? Oh, dear, I’d rather not think about this.) 😉

  4. My first thought (after being shocked) was that this will make a great blog post! How sick is that? 😉

  5. miedo – tengo miedo – mucho miedo …. that’s a song in Spanish about a woman who is scared of falling for this guy she sees from a distance. However, in this case, those words apply to a creepy situation. Glad you can find humor in it. As for me – miedo – tengo miedo – mucho miedo ……
    ~~~~ : – (

  6. Well, what can you say girl … you just got it! You exude it. So you just gonna have ta stop fighting it. hahaha! At least you didn’t name yourself “FUN2NoGIrl and wonder why you were getting all the pervs! 😉 Can’t throw no stones over here.

  7. You, too, my Army of The Undead Captain!

  8. Yes and don’t forget the ball crunching Skeletons either as they will also give Dwayne something to think about, I wonder if he is a Farmer? How do you mean whay? 🙂 Well after the Skeletons have paid him a visit he will have a couple of acres 🙂 lol

    Have a lovely evening Lorna 😉

    Andro xxx

  9. I like to create suspense, Edwin, but I’m not cruel! I’m even posting the follow-up on Monday. See how thoughtful I am? 😉

  10. Yeah, my son told me I never should have responded. But I’m kind of glad I did. I got great material for a couple of blog posts! 🙂

  11. I was the definition of polite but firm and totally naive. Some combination, huh? 😐

  12. You’re so sweet Andro! The idea of you dispatching an army of zombies to protect me is very comforting in an odd way! 🙂

  13. I did my homework on how to write so readers will read. I’m just applying the techniques. Plus I am committed to keeping my posts shorter than “insufferably long.”

  14. Nope, never been on a dating site, but, as you noted, looks like I don’t need to! 😉

  15. You could put “erotica” on your favorite genre list and wait for him and more like him to find you. I have memoirs, non-fiction, and fiction as my genres. But I bet if you added “erotica,” you’d get some action! 😉

  16. You, too, Andro!

  17. I will be calling back
    later to read part two…

    Have a funtastic
    Monday Lorna 😉

    Andro xxx

  18. Not fair! I am on Goodreads and I don’t get any action.

  19. We can tell you like twisty plots. Love the “laptop”. And, what? You’ve never been on a dating site? Sounds like Goodreads has more action anyway.

  20. You little devil. Leaving your readers hanging precariously off the cliff.

    I am tempted but shall resist voicing any speculation as to the ‘happy end’.

    U

  21. Wow how wickedly freakin’ cheeky of him, Dwayne I mean, you know that cheap thrill creepo that is into Erotica and looks like a Giraffe’s bottom on legs 🙂 lol Well I will be tuning in for part two because I can guess that this freako has more to add, I mean you are an attractive young lady so I am not surprised that Mr. Erotica or any other guy would be interested but hey he’s a chancer with an ego the size of Texas, his picture profile is probably way off the mark too, and he will be a bigfoot yeti sixty-ish fat slob with a six pack, nooo a six pack of Red Bull or something with an equally gassy explosion lurking around his next chat up line, but I am sure that Dwayne, I mean you will leave us all something incredibly funny as a finale…

    Those bloody creeps are everywhere these days Lorna but never mind I can always send the Zombies round and then he won’t be interested in Erotica after that scenario, how do you mean why? 🙂

    Well those lady Zombies don’t just snack on brains you know? 😉 lol Okay I am out of here, I have probably written lots of those irritating typos too but it’s okay I am always adding those 😦

    Have a fun Monday and be good, if you can I mean 🙂 Oh yes and I am sorry for the lengthy observation… On this one 🙂

    Andro xxx

  22. Okay, regarding the video posted above, how the blaze does a guy sing about sex bomb with a straight face. Truly a amazing talent.
    Regarding YOUR post, Dwayne has no idea who he’s messing with. You’ll put him in his place in no time flat. Stay the course woman.

  23. I hope this is a foray into fiction and NOT an episode in the next memoir. Responding to things like that is a no-no. Now I’ll have to add you to my worry about list…

  24. If this is a three-part post.. NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

    I’m ok. I just read the comment above this comment box haha. Pheew!

    🙂

    Edwin

  25. That’s okay. Life is full of mysteries. I can live with this one! 🙂 Maybe I’l try inserting a random video into a comment I make on your blog to see what happens…

  26. That’s part of it. You also have to stick out your tongue afterward and wiggle your butt. Didn’t you have daughters? 😉

  27. Funny! Just don’t tell me you’re into erotica… 😉

  28. It will come out tomorrow. And so will the sun, according to Annie! 🙂

  29. Looking forward to the next post, Lorna. I

  30. Do not hate me because I find your blog “titilating.”

  31. Can’t wait to read the final episode of “Looking for Mr. Badbar.”

    By the way, how do you tease hair? Do you say nah nah nah nah nah?

  32. Well, that takes us as far as my technical knowledge goes; usually a half step backwards. Sorry!

  33. I upgraded, too. Maybe it will only work on blogs that have been upgraded…

  34. I can’t help help myself. There must be support groups for people like me. But I imagine there wouldn’t be a lot of talking…

    And to think, my husband wasn’t interested in me on little bit.

  35. I paid Word Press to enable me to insert videos into posts, and that apparently, allows you to insert them into comments as well. I think. Or perhaps it is just magic. One of the two!

  36. Yup just a two parter. You’ll know tomorrow how this one turned out. 🙂

  37. He seems to have a busy schedule. Why, for heaven’s sake, is he fishing on Goodreads for women? 😉 He does have an eye for knowing a “Sex Bomb” when he sees one, though… :o)

    Hey, how do you insert videos into comments. I copied and pasted the URL to the video and all that came up was the link, not the video. 😦

  38. Good point. My blog is called Lorna’s Voice and I don’t show my mouth…hmm. Maybe that’s because my voice originates elsewhere and my eyes always speak the truth. But my little gravatar is getting me into trouble.

  39. I’ll have you know that I look a lot like my Gravatar, especially if I were viewing er… reading erotica. And by the way, you are giving us the reading equivalent of a good “tease and denial” leaving us all wanting for more after arousing our curiosity… 😛

  40. And now I have to wait for the next episode… does she? or not… mind you talking of Gravatars do you not have a mouth… how do you eat..???

  41. I’m going to let the secret out. Here’s your guy:

  42. Oh, there you go again, keepin’ us all hanging! I hope this will just be a two-parter, I can’t contain myself for three parts on this one!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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