The race started at 9:00 am, which was no problem for me. I was ready at 5:00 am. All the carbs I ate the night before were still loaded in my belly. I felt both heavy and edgy. Never having felt like this before, except for when I was pregnant, I deduced, “This must be ‘The Wall’ distance athletes talk about.” Then I remembered they usually encountered “The Wall” during the event, not before the event. So I took my dogs for a long walk, hoping to stimulate my bowels and calm my nerves. No luck. I would go into this competition carrying 8 extra pounds of coagulated gluten and as anxious as an unprepared middle-aged woman entering a freaking triathlon.
Being a novice and cheap, I didn’t invest in proper triathlon attire or equipment. Supposed Friend talked about strange sports terminology like “aerodynamics,” “racing bicycles, “heart-rate monitors,” “goggles,” “padded cycling shorts,” and “skin-tight, coordinated outfits that make you look like a champ and hide your bulges.” Pfft! Woody Allen said 80% of success is just showing up. It worked for him. He shows up frequently and look at how successful he is.
I packed myself into my black swimsuit, shimmied into some stretchy black shorts, because black is a very slimming color (that’s why most whales and limousines are black) and threw an over-sized red tee-shirt over the whole bulging mess, because everyone knows a blonde looks fantastic in red.
I forced myself to eat a banana because monkeys eat bananas and they are very agile–monkeys, not bananas. Also, I learned that bananas are a super food. Bananas are great for high blood pressure, depression and even for hangovers and warts. You can also use them for polishing wood and leather and for removing scratches from CDs. None of that helped me for the triathlon, but it was still good to know.
My brother-in-law, a real triathlete, gave me some packets of vanilla flavored goop. He told me to tear one open and suck out the contents when I needed a boost of energy. Each had the calorie equivalent of 3 Dunkin Donut large Vanilla Bean Coolattas and the enjoyment equivalent of swallowing vanilla-flavored Elmer’s glue. I know because I tried one a few days before the race. How could I resist? I packed 4 of them, a water bottle, towel, and a change of clothes in my backpack.

Maybe this is why real athletes prefer the glue goop to tasty (and possibly nutritious due to the beans) Vanilla Coolattas during the race. Things could get messy and sticky between competitors.
I needed help to get my bike onto the bike rack of our car. I had a mountain bike. Yes, the kind with the fat, nubby tires and that weighs 80 pounds. I didn’t get my strong, shapely legs by sitting around the house polishing wood with bananas all day.
Once we loaded the bike, my then-husband, current son, and I drove to the site of the race to meet my sisters and my mom. I had my very own cheering section.

Sure, they had time to pose for a picture of themselves. But what about me? Wasn’t I supposed to be the main attraction of the day?
Until I arrived, I had no idea how many people entered the “Y-Tri.” I still don’t have an exact number, but a fair estimate would be a lot. The place was packed with svelte, energetic, color-coordinated athletes…and me in my big red tee-shirt. There were some small children and a few older people, but most competitors looked as if they could have been at the Olympics. The song from Sesame Street “One of These Things is Not Like The Other Ones” kept looping in my head.
I spotted Supposed Friend. She was decked out in her racing finest, limbering up by doing jumping jacks. Shouldn’t we be conserving our energy for the race?, I thought. I was limbering up by stretching while looking for an obscure escape route. She saw me and sprinted over. “Hi Lorna! Aren’t you excited!” She wasn’t even out of breath.
“Oh, sure. Yeah. I’m pumped,” I said, breathing too hard for just standing and stretching.
She was jumping again. I wanted to push her over in mid-jump when I heard the announcement over the loudspeakers, “All contestants report to poolside. The race is about to begin.”
She stuck her landing and said, “Come on, Lorna, let’s go!” She was giddy. I was hyperventilating. Someone should have noticed and given me oxygen or a bag.
Hang on for one more installment. I promise. The race and the results are coming up next…
Oct 04, 2012 @ 10:17:21
Go for it! 🙂
Oct 03, 2012 @ 17:38:01
Been out of town and away from my computer. Upside is I can now go to Part 4 and not have to wait. 😉
Oct 03, 2012 @ 13:38:13
Please do!
Oct 03, 2012 @ 07:21:20
Just catching up on these two instalments – no time to comment much here, must rush over and read the next part!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 18:02:20
Oh yeah. If it weren’t for that darned $10 non-refundable fee I paid… 😉
Oct 02, 2012 @ 18:01:06
Keep the love coming, Victoria! I’m no longer a masochist–that was 12 years ago and I learned my lesson, but good!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 17:21:23
I just love that gnawing feeling that sets in, when you realize that maybe you shouldn’t have been doing this, but you’re in way too far now to back out. You manage to convey it really well with the way you tell the story. With each installment, that initial voice that probably said, “Not a good idea” (you know, the one you kept ignoring) seems to be getting stronger by the minute now. Full fledged panic set in yet?
Oct 02, 2012 @ 14:28:32
Lorna, I love you but you’re crazy….maybe that’s why I love you. Masochist!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:48:17
That’s good, Gayle! I know. I’m such a relentless tease. I promise, the next installment is the last one. I can’t take much more of this, either!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:46:47
Do what you must, Izzy… 🙂
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:46:10
🙂
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:44:48
I’m sure lots of people have, as you so nicely put it, “uncharitable thoughts” when stressed. I just have the lack of judgement to admit it!
The end is coming soon (and I mean that in more ways than one)… 😉
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:42:46
I’ll take that high praise any day. This cack humbly thanks you!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:41:57
Al, your gut is usually spot on. But not in this case. Think “worse case scenario” my friend and you’ll be prepared for the last installment.
Oct 02, 2012 @ 13:40:24
That’s way more than I SHOULD have done! 😐
Oct 02, 2012 @ 10:16:18
Wow! I’m impressed you even signed up for a triathlon – that’s way more than I could ever do!
Oct 02, 2012 @ 09:37:54
I have a feeling you’re sandbagging us and you probably won the age group. So what if it was the 100 and over group……
Oct 02, 2012 @ 07:24:23
hehe … ‘I didn’t get my strong, shapely legs by sitting around the house polishing wood with bananas all day.” You’re a cack which is my highest praise.
Oct 02, 2012 @ 02:42:32
I love this. What a hoot. I’m so glad others have uncharitable thoughts when they’re stressed. What a challenge. Just training is a job in itself. I’m looking forward to the rest of the story.
Oct 02, 2012 @ 01:14:40
Hell I would have… got to get one up there and then deliver the punch… it would help all us holding our breath….
Oct 01, 2012 @ 22:09:08
MMMmmm … must pick up two bags. I like to have a whole bag while reading. hahaha – just kidding, of course.
Oct 01, 2012 @ 22:07:15
I thought for sure this was gone to be the finale…but no, have to wait…I should be used to this by now…ho…hum… See how much I’ve calmed down since your last installment? 😉
Oct 01, 2012 @ 17:26:53
I’m glad you’re enjoying this. When I reflect on my life, this is how I do it. I just hope others will learn from my experiences and from how I view them. 🙂
Oct 01, 2012 @ 17:22:03
If you needed proof that I’m a natural blonde, you’ve got it! 😉
Oct 01, 2012 @ 17:21:17
Save a bag for the next installment and eat it for me, would you? I’m going to need it! 😉
Oct 01, 2012 @ 17:20:10
Oh, I started. You know I started. I wouldn’t lead you all this way just to tell you I quit before the starting pistol was shot!
Oct 01, 2012 @ 17:18:35
I hope so, too. Just remember to document everything so you have great blog posts to write while you are recuperating! 😉
Oct 01, 2012 @ 15:57:17
Oi vey… Yeah, I’m hoping the training that I’ll get to run the Colfax Marathon in that class will be good enough for my sedentary ass.
Oct 01, 2012 @ 15:25:55
Please tell me you didn’t continue…. I can’t wait for the next post…. please tell me you never started…. please !!!!!
Oct 01, 2012 @ 15:01:42
I’ll bet you won or died trying – well, not literally. hahaha
I can’t wait for the next chapter in this fun and amusing real life – I almost died – situation. Gosh … I feel like dying doesn’t want to leave my vocabulary. I’m going to eat more potatoe chips now. I’m a bag low. lolol
Huggies ….
Oct 01, 2012 @ 14:59:37
I don’t know what you were thinking either, but it makes for great reading!
Oct 01, 2012 @ 14:18:50
love your style, capture the reader and pull them along with a mixture of humour and info…;)