They don’t make zippers as sturdy as they used to. The last thing I need is to fret about dodging the Grim Reaper AND worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Oy Vey! You have no idea what it’s like being me.

I’m impressed at your patience.  Haven’t you been itching to hear about my other near misses with death since I teased you with the first installment of this series? Hmmm.  Either you:

  1. trusted that I wouldn’t keep you waiting too long.
  2. have been practicing patience since that incident requiring you attend Traffic School or court-mandated counseling.
  3. are an adrenaline junkie,  loving to remain in “suspense animation.”
  4. forgot or got distracted with unimportant things like your family problems, some overdue bills, or a hurricane.
  5. never read the first part, just clicked “like” and deleted the darned post to clear your inbox of another bothersome post.

Alright already, Lorna. Most of us want to hear about how you almost got killed but weren’t. Let’s have it before we’re ready to kill you!

Lorna’s Impressive List of Near-Death Experiences, Part 2

Circa Young, Innocent, and Attractive, but not in a good way:  You know I was struck by side-splash lightning, right?  Well, that was my second intimate experience with lightning.  The details are in my memoir, but these are the basics.  I was a kid and inside a lake cabin with a bunch of other kids and my sisters during a doozey of a thunderstorm.  The one window in the room we were in was half-open and I was sitting against a wall with my back up against an electrical socket.  Just as I re-positioned myself away from the outlet, a glowy ball shot through the window, over my shoulder and into the outlet.  BANG! SIZZLE!  The electricity went out.  We could smell and see the charred wallpaper all around where I had just been sitting.  Later I learned that it was ” that came through the window and missed me by inches.  If I hadn’t moved seconds before, I probably wouldn’t be alive, or my psychic powers would be even better than they already are.

Someone Up There just threw this at me. What should I do with it? I’m not good with balls.

Circa Married, Still Healthy Enough that Dying Would’ve Been Unfortunate: You know how most high-speed automobile/tree accidents happen when the car hits the tree?  That would be way too mundane for me.  My husband and I were driving home after a grocery shopping trip.  Alex was at home, just old enough to be left alone for a couple of hours–otherwise, he probably wouldn’t be around to not read my blog.  We were cruising along at about 55 MPH when the car lurched and I heard a BANG!/CRASH!  But we were still moving.  I felt a spray of something on the back of my head and neck.   I remember thinking, “Why would snipers want to silence us?  We weren’t Jason Borne’s real parents.”  Since I was as helpful as a blow-up doll, my husband looked back and noticed the rear window was missing and there were branches in the back seat.  The spray I felt was nuggets of shatter-proof glass from the rear windows.  Looking further back down the road, he saw a huge tree lying across the road–the tree that hit us.   Had it fallen a split second sooner, it would have it the front of the car and my side would have taken the brunt of it.  I could have been killed by a falling tree and I wasn’t even skulking about in the woods.

Abort the mission, Psycho Sharp Shooter! You got some seriously bad intell and there is a tree that can do the job just in case–it’s cleaner. The state highway crew will scrub the scene for you. Brilliant, eh?

Circa Still Married, Recently Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronically Dizzy, and Uncharacteristically Calm:  Have you ever enjoyed one of those vibrating beds?  Nice, huh?  How about if the bed vibrates because you’re 7 miles away from the epicenter of a 5.1 magnitude earthquake?  Yup, in the early morning of April, 2002, our house was shaken, rattled and, rolled (a little) by an earthquake.  My dogs were agitated hours before it happened, which means my husband was agitated hours before it happened because he couldn’t sleep.  He was downstairs watching TV; Alex and I were upstairs in the “Broken House.”  Alex was sound asleep like all teenagers at 6:00 AM-ish.  I was in my underwear, brushing my teeth.  I heard and felt a loud,  long RUUUMMMMBLE.   I thought our old furnace was exploding–or a train was crashing through the center of our house, which was unlikely because we were nowhere near any train tracks or Hollywood Blockbuster movie sets.   My husband was in a full-blown panic trying to get Alex and me out of the house, yelling something about an earthquake.  He got my comatose son wrapped in his comforter and out of the house.  I stayed upstairs.  My logic:

  1. IF it was the furnace or a run-away train, then I was above the wreckage.  Why should I go down into ground zero voluntarily?
  2. IF it was an earthquake and the house was going to crumble, I was on the top floor and less crap would fall on me.  Why would I risk getting trapped on the bottom floor where all kinds of beams and unfinished ceilings could bonk me on the head?
  3. I wasn’t dressed yet.  I needed to get dressed and how does one dress for an earthquake?

My husband got so angry scared, he left me behind to fend for myself save himself.

I made it out alive, fully dressed and, except for lots of cracks in the walls (which were hardly news-worthy), the house made it out alive, too.  In retrospect, I think I remained so calm because something told me we weren’t in any real danger.

You should know me by now. Anything is possible in my world. Earthquake? Kersploding furnace? Run-away train on a movie set in the “Broken House?” I have faith Someone Up There is going to rescue me. I was just wait for guys like these…This blonde is no fool.

*****

That makes five lives so far.  But I’ve got more!  I’m one lucky person–I just don’t know if it’s good luck or bad luck.  What do you think?

More near death experiences?  How much more of this can we take?  Oh, who are we kidding?  We love drama!  When does the new season of Madmen start, anyway?