I’m Totally Cat Woman…In An Awesome, Not Creepy, Way (Part 2)

They don’t make zippers as sturdy as they used to. The last thing I need is to fret about dodging the Grim Reaper AND worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Oy Vey! You have no idea what it’s like being me.

I’m impressed at your patience.  Haven’t you been itching to hear about my other near misses with death since I teased you with the first installment of this series? Hmmm.  Either you:

  1. trusted that I wouldn’t keep you waiting too long.
  2. have been practicing patience since that incident requiring you attend Traffic School or court-mandated counseling.
  3. are an adrenaline junkie,  loving to remain in “suspense animation.”
  4. forgot or got distracted with unimportant things like your family problems, some overdue bills, or a hurricane.
  5. never read the first part, just clicked “like” and deleted the darned post to clear your inbox of another bothersome post.

Alright already, Lorna. Most of us want to hear about how you almost got killed but weren’t. Let’s have it before we’re ready to kill you!

Lorna’s Impressive List of Near-Death Experiences, Part 2

Circa Young, Innocent, and Attractive, but not in a good way:  You know I was struck by side-splash lightning, right?  Well, that was my second intimate experience with lightning.  The details are in my memoir, but these are the basics.  I was a kid and inside a lake cabin with a bunch of other kids and my sisters during a doozey of a thunderstorm.  The one window in the room we were in was half-open and I was sitting against a wall with my back up against an electrical socket.  Just as I re-positioned myself away from the outlet, a glowy ball shot through the window, over my shoulder and into the outlet.  BANG! SIZZLE!  The electricity went out.  We could smell and see the charred wallpaper all around where I had just been sitting.  Later I learned that it was ” that came through the window and missed me by inches.  If I hadn’t moved seconds before, I probably wouldn’t be alive, or my psychic powers would be even better than they already are.

Someone Up There just threw this at me. What should I do with it? I’m not good with balls.

Circa Married, Still Healthy Enough that Dying Would’ve Been Unfortunate: You know how most high-speed automobile/tree accidents happen when the car hits the tree?  That would be way too mundane for me.  My husband and I were driving home after a grocery shopping trip.  Alex was at home, just old enough to be left alone for a couple of hours–otherwise, he probably wouldn’t be around to not read my blog.  We were cruising along at about 55 MPH when the car lurched and I heard a BANG!/CRASH!  But we were still moving.  I felt a spray of something on the back of my head and neck.   I remember thinking, “Why would snipers want to silence us?  We weren’t Jason Borne’s real parents.”  Since I was as helpful as a blow-up doll, my husband looked back and noticed the rear window was missing and there were branches in the back seat.  The spray I felt was nuggets of shatter-proof glass from the rear windows.  Looking further back down the road, he saw a huge tree lying across the road–the tree that hit us.   Had it fallen a split second sooner, it would have it the front of the car and my side would have taken the brunt of it.  I could have been killed by a falling tree and I wasn’t even skulking about in the woods.

Abort the mission, Psycho Sharp Shooter! You got some seriously bad intell and there is a tree that can do the job just in case–it’s cleaner. The state highway crew will scrub the scene for you. Brilliant, eh?

Circa Still Married, Recently Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronically Dizzy, and Uncharacteristically Calm:  Have you ever enjoyed one of those vibrating beds?  Nice, huh?  How about if the bed vibrates because you’re 7 miles away from the epicenter of a 5.1 magnitude earthquake?  Yup, in the early morning of April, 2002, our house was shaken, rattled and, rolled (a little) by an earthquake.  My dogs were agitated hours before it happened, which means my husband was agitated hours before it happened because he couldn’t sleep.  He was downstairs watching TV; Alex and I were upstairs in the “Broken House.”  Alex was sound asleep like all teenagers at 6:00 AM-ish.  I was in my underwear, brushing my teeth.  I heard and felt a loud,  long RUUUMMMMBLE.   I thought our old furnace was exploding–or a train was crashing through the center of our house, which was unlikely because we were nowhere near any train tracks or Hollywood Blockbuster movie sets.   My husband was in a full-blown panic trying to get Alex and me out of the house, yelling something about an earthquake.  He got my comatose son wrapped in his comforter and out of the house.  I stayed upstairs.  My logic:

  1. IF it was the furnace or a run-away train, then I was above the wreckage.  Why should I go down into ground zero voluntarily?
  2. IF it was an earthquake and the house was going to crumble, I was on the top floor and less crap would fall on me.  Why would I risk getting trapped on the bottom floor where all kinds of beams and unfinished ceilings could bonk me on the head?
  3. I wasn’t dressed yet.  I needed to get dressed and how does one dress for an earthquake?

My husband got so angry scared, he left me behind to fend for myself save himself.

I made it out alive, fully dressed and, except for lots of cracks in the walls (which were hardly news-worthy), the house made it out alive, too.  In retrospect, I think I remained so calm because something told me we weren’t in any real danger.

You should know me by now. Anything is possible in my world. Earthquake? Kersploding furnace? Run-away train on a movie set in the “Broken House?” I have faith Someone Up There is going to rescue me. I was just wait for guys like these…This blonde is no fool.

*****

That makes five lives so far.  But I’ve got more!  I’m one lucky person–I just don’t know if it’s good luck or bad luck.  What do you think?

More near death experiences?  How much more of this can we take?  Oh, who are we kidding?  We love drama!  When does the new season of Madmen start, anyway?

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 10, 2012.

31 Responses to “I’m Totally Cat Woman…In An Awesome, Not Creepy, Way (Part 2)”

  1. And somehow I keep surviving that trouble. See? I am Totally Awesome Cat Woman! 😉

    Thanks for dropping by and visiting. Glad you liked the stories–all, unfortunately, true! 🙂

  2. Good stories.
    “I can’t possibly flee this collapsing building and earthquake dressed like this. leave off the shaking till I’m decent.” – like it.
    Not sure if this all means you’re very lucky or… somehow you keep attracting trouble.

  3. I’m flattered! Thank you very much!

  4. Well then I stand by my comment! 🙂

  5. I’ve already thought of that. I figure with the new math and the fact that no one can do it, I should be able to get at least 15 lives out of the old 9 lives of yesteryear (or, as we like to call it, “back in the day”). Right? At least I hope so! 😉

  6. Yeah, me too (and a few others, I would imagine).

  7. Heck no! I would never wear a mask to cover up my gorgeous face! Plus, my knees are bad and squatting like that is a killer. Sheesh, I’m almost 55. 😉

    I nabbed that picture (like most pictures) from Goggle Images. My Gravatar is me, though–the blonde with the blue eyes. That’s for real.

  8. We ARE awesome women, aren’t we?! 🙂

  9. Hey! Good to hear from you! It’s been a while. Yup, there is, indeed, a third (and maybe 4th) installment. So good lucky or bad lucky? 😉

  10. Thanks so much! Know any publishers looking for zany writers?

  11. Yes, my good luck seems to be on duty when it comes to rescuing me from the shenanigans of my bad luck! 🙂

  12. Wow, you really have had a higher than average number of near misses (not that I know what the average number is!). As to whether that makes you lucky or unlucky, I would say that unluck comes knocking at your door more often than it should, but luck is stronger and chases it away each time. Phew right?!

  13. “Circa married”, and hubby leaving you behind to fend for yourself … hilarious. Laughed? You’re a sensational writer.

  14. Is there a third installment? If so, I’m voting lucky.

  15. Well, I too am glad you’re alive. Especially since your first thoughts on your earthquake were nearly identical to mine when the DC area was hit by a (much smaller) earthquake — my husband has been laughing at me for years. It happened at about 4 a.m. and I was asleep. I was quite sure someone had driven a truck into our garage (directly below our bedroom).

    In trying to find the date of that earthquake (and failing) I found this blog from the Smithsonian which states: ” At first I thought it was just another train passing by but then the shaking got stronger. Earthquake! ” http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/science/2011/08/earthquake-in-washington-d-c/

    So Lorna, you are in good company. As am I. We are brilliant survivalists who can make it through an earthquake (and other natural disasters) without a wardrobe malfunction.

  16. Is that Cat Woman you? Then you are totally Beautiful!

  17. I’m so glad you’re still alive.

  18. At the rate you are going, you are going to need more than 9 lives if you hope to live to the ripe old age of 150 or so!

  19. I’ll keep the Shimmmy dress in mind for the next earthquake. I’m told I live an area where geographic plates are likely to be shifty.

    As for meeting in person…I wish I was as entertaining in person as I am in the virtual world. I’m not. I’m great to look at, but my wit is all in my fingertips.

  20. Well, this blonde seems to have more than her fair share of fun these days. And I’m having fun poking fun at the days that weren’t always so fun. Wow! That’s a lot of “fun” for one sentence! So I guess you’re right… 😉

  21. In the back of my mind I’ve often thought “It would be nice to talk with Lorna in person sometime.” Now, not so much. Too much chance of being involved in collateral damage. Skype would definitely be safer.

    P.S. The proper attire for an earthquake is a shimmy dress.

  22. Lorna, the Cat Woman Extraordinaire!

    Has anyone mentioned to you lately you lead a charmed and most exciting life. I guess blondes do have more fun…sigh 😉

  23. I’m a ways away from a publishing date, but you’ll be on my list to notify, Suzanne!

  24. Oh I think you HAVE to write another book!!!!!! I want an express notice when your book is available!! Put me on your pre-order list….I’m dyin’ here!

  25. I have several more, Izzy. I am more like Double Cat Woman, 18 lives. And all this started when Alex reminded me of the tree hitting our car…

  26. You forgot to mention wacky woman! And I have more brushes with death to share. The sad part is most of these never made it into my memoir. I guess I’l have to write another book…

  27. Wow…and there’s more to come! I’m speechless…

  28. Gee, thanks! I have a manuscript of my memoir almost edited but not ready for a publisher to see it. I want a professional editor to review it first. I don’t have a facebook account. Is there another way to contact the publish you suggested? Were you talking about my writing in general or my memoir?

    I’m full of questions, aren’t I? Sorry, but when anyone mentions “publisher” to me at this point, you’ve got my attention! 🙂

  29. hahahaa – this line – I wasn’t dressed yet. I needed to get dressed and how does one dress for an earthquake? – had me rollin’ on the floor. My eyes were full of laughter tears. Too funny …!!!
    Those are a great many near misses. Do ya think there’s a message you’re not getting???? MMmmm … Oh – I get it. You’re a cat with nine lives. Duh …!!!! Well – I’m sure there are somemore near death experiences. I will make believe I’m in a doctors office wiating to be called while you get the rest ready for posting.
    Toodles … my friend. ~~~~ : – )

  30. OH….MY…..LORD…. You’re cat woman and super woman and crazy woman ( a new superhero) and an amazing woman all rolled into one…this is just wild!!

  31. Fun! 🙂 Love it 🙂 Have you tried talking to a publisher and fellow writers? I’ve tried it here http://www.facebook.com/WispringsCo

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: