I’m Totally Cat Woman…In An Awesome, Not Creepy, Way (Part 1)

Even though I’m a self-proclaimed dog-lover, I recently (and by “recently,” I mean last night when I couldn’t sleep) figured out that I’m an Awesarific Cat Woman–like in the Batman films, not like in those weird stories you read about in the newspaper involving an old woman’s dead body, 103 cats, Animal Control Officers, and neighbors who knew something must be wrong.

No, no, no, no, no! And the Crazy Cat Lady’s body is somewhere under there. It’s kind of like a “Where’s Waldo?” crime scene…

Yes, yes, yes! That’s more like it.

If you’re like most people, I’m going to have to convince you that I’m telling you the truth as I see it, because you won’t just accept my me-wow for it (that means “word” in Awesalicious Cat Woman parlance)  since you’re probably not like Awesomesaurus Cat Woman Me and can’t sense that I’m purrfectly right.  I feel for you.  I really do.

Evidence that I’m Awesome Cat Woman:

  1. Michelle Pfeiffer and I could be twins, except she would need to do something to enhance her bosom area.

    Okay, so I don’t usually wear red lipstick, but otherwise, put the two of us in the same room with the same costume and the only way you could tell us apart is that my costume would have more going on in the upper frontal region…and I don’t mean the forehead.

  2. I like tall, dark, enigmatic men who appreciate leather women’s garments, have more than social justice on the brain, and live in caves.  (Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a Cat Women’s Liber–a Felinist, if you will.  I just like my men virile and my domicile dark.)

    Shizzle! I thought the forecast was for clouds all day. Why isn’t it raining? I can’t take all this bright-and sunny-crap!

  3. I have escaped death more than nine times…so far.  They say a cat has nine lives.  They are rarely wrong.  I must be one super special Awesome-Squared Cat Woman.  I must also be very careful from now on.  I’m already living on borrowed time.

 *****

I’m sure you’re wondering about my many tangos with the Grim Reaper.  I was flabbergastedhorndoggledastounded…a bit shaken when I started counting up all the times that I could have easily had my physical assets liquidated permanently.  But I must have some phenomenizzle super powers to evade the grip of death not once or twice, but so many freaking times.

I don’t have any tricks up my sleeves. But I can’t promise you there isn’t a surprise  or two behind this apron…

I got to thinking about these near misses with death when Alex, my 26-year-old son, came for a short visit.  We began reminiscing about “the old days” and he brought up a few of these almost-for-me-disasters.  Good times.

I bet you want to know all about my near-death experiences.  Do I know you people, or what?  I’ve already told you about a few of them.

Lorna’s Impressive List of Near-Death Experiences, Part 1

Circa Young, Chubby, and Stupid: I hung upside-down from monkey bars that were planted in cement.  Being physically and common sense challenged, I hung there long enough to let sweat pool behind my knees, which were the things keeping my head from the cement 6-7′ below.  I fell, knocking the wind out of me because I landed on my fleshy back, not my noggin.  But I could have landed on my head, knocking the brains out of me, or at least snapping my neck, which would have been, at the very least, inconvenient.  I wrote a whole series on this episode called Monkey Business.

Yes. I agree. Chubby girls who lack common sense shouldn’t be playing on equipment designed for people like, say, me–your average pollster. I’m really supposed to be asking you who you’re likely to vote for in the upcoming Presidential election, the elephants or the donkeys. I know. It’s the only way I can tell them apart, too.

Circa Early Fifties, Slender, and Wiser but not Wise Enough: I was walking my dog Scrappy when a fast-moving and violent thunder-storm came upon us.  Before I could take cover, a tree about 20′ away from me was directly hit by lightning.  Because the rain was coming down so hard, the electric current traveled into the rain-soaked air and, thus, into me.  The technical term for the kind of lightning that hit me is “side splash” lightning.”  I wrote about this event in a series entitled, I’m Really One in a Million.

Two other member of LSSA (Lightning Strike Survivors Abysmal), a support group for women who need help managing their stress, hair, and, apparently, make-up after they get zapped. Health and beauty professionals are woefully unprepared for us and our kind of problems, which may have started before we were hit by lightning.

*****

That’s two.  Sorry, but you’ll have to wait to hear about the rest of my near death experiences until my next post.

Teaser Alert: Be prepared for more surprises from nature, motor vehicle miracles, beasts, and men with guns.

Near death experiences?  I feel like I’m having one now.  Put on another pot of coffee, Jane.  It’s going to be a long night.

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 4, 2012.

29 Responses to “I’m Totally Cat Woman…In An Awesome, Not Creepy, Way (Part 1)”

  1. Nope, left this out of the book. I think I may have to write another one… 😉

  2. I was kinda being funny about it but I really did want to know…so I’m glad you took the time to share your experience. I have a fascination with this phenomena and think it’s amazing that you had this experience…and yes, I believe it really happened to you. I’ve read many stories of people who this has happened to and many lose their fear of death afterward and are left with a more peaceful acceptance of what may come in life.

    I hope you shared this in your book…and perhaps you surmised what that mission was that you were left to accomplish in this life. I’m glad this had a positive impact on your life, Lorna. Hugs…

  3. Funny you should ask. I’ve had an experience that wasn’t a dream or hallucination. It happened when I had to have emergency surgery for my ectopic pregnancy. I was (or my soul was) in a place I can only describe as ethereal. It was bright, but not blinding, cool, and very peaceful. While I was there, I understood everything. I remember thinking or saying, “Of course, it’s so simple.” It’s as if I knew the answers to all the questions that perplex humankind. I also knew there were 3 things that I was to do in my life and I had already accomplished two of them. I knew the third one and said, “Oh, that will be easy. I can do that now.” But someone or something stopped me and told me I had to go back. I was, for the first time while there, confused. Bust that was because I was already coming back into my body and waking up from surgery. That’s when I saw bright lights of the recovery room.

    I remember everything I told you. The things I can’t remember are all those things I understood, the missions in life I was supposed to do and already accomplished (I can only guess at those), and the one mission I have left to do that I thought was so easy.

    So, I believe I really did have a near death experience on the operating table where my soul left my body. Before that happened, I was afraid of death and a total atheist. After that happened, I have no fear of death and, while I don’t ascribe to any structured religion, I know there is something greater than me out there that is Divine and Loving.

    How’s that for a long answer to what you thought was a tongue in cheek question? 😉

  4. I’m curious as to whether or not you’ve ever seen that tunnel with the white light and your loved ones (or Jesus) standing there ready to welcome you into heaven…

    My daughter has a cat that has WAY outlived his nine lives…so, of course, your Awesalicious Cat Woman self sure could too.

  5. […] you been itching to hear about my other near misses with death since I teased you with the first installment of this series? Hmmm.  Either […]

  6. I try not to over-think these things, Casey… 😉

  7. Leather, huh? Interesting choice for a cat. Must be hairless breed, right?

  8. ~~~~ : – )

  9. I try to protect him from my secret identity. Plus, he doesn’t know how many times he nearly didn’t have me to rescue him. In his case, ignorance is thoroughly bliss!

  10. I wonder how Scrappy is feeling? He had a regular Mom that has now turned an into “Awesalicious Cat Woman”. He hates cats. I remember his fearful experience with a neighborhood TomCat, MMmmm …. he’ll attribute the whole thing to over-traveling syndrome. Get well soon for his well being.

  11. LOL! Can’t wait 🙂

  12. Oh, you won’t be disappointed. You can take that promise to the bank (it will get you more interest than they are offering, I can tell you that!)

  13. I am SHOCKED!! SHOCKED!! To learn that you were side-splashed by lightning!! And you fell off the monkey bars!!!! No wonder you’re so entertaining…your brains have been scrambled and made you quite a fascinating egg!! Can’t wait to hear more !!!!!!

  14. I knew I was taking a gamble when I included those pictures in the post. I’m well aware of the growing epidemic of adult male onset Alluring Photo ADHD.

    The folks over at Playboy and Penthouse have been studying this phenomenon for years and they insist that their “readers” learn a lot from their articles. But upon further investigation from actually speaking to their “readers,” responses vary from, “They have articles in those magazines?” to “I’m pretty sure the two women doing the dirty were on a Screamin’ Eagle CVO V-Rod Harley. Yup. 2006 model year. Sweet ride all the way around.”

    So, I know I’m asking a lot of you, Phil, but, get some medication, and focus. I was nearly killed so many times in my life that I’m surprised I’m not typing this from the grave, which I could very well be, knowing the Awesomelishissness of my Cat Woman Super Powers. Me-wowza.

  15. Hey, I had almost the same near-death playground experience as you! I think that was pretty common back in the day when kids actually went to playgrounds.

    Michelle Pfeiffer only WISHES she filled out her catsuit like you do. Miao.

  16. Oh hey! There’s an article with lots of words written just below the Julie Newmar and Michelle Pfeiffer pictures I’ve been ogling over for hours and hours noticed you posted.

    I really enjoyed imagining you dressed in latex and mask, with beguiling and sassy attitude er… reading about… um… what was it you were writing about? Oh well, I guess I’ll have to return and drool over the pictures some more read the article again. And maybe again, and again. Just because…

  17. Great! I always love to have new people coming on board. You never know what to expect around here, but, then again, neither do I most of the time! 🙂

  18. Yeah, I was counting on it being stretchy. My upper arms are a bit heftier than Michelle’s. Oh, who am I kidding, my upper arms are heftier than Batman’s! 😉

  19. They broke the mold when they made me…and the world is safer because of it! 😉

  20. I love it when you bug me, Uncle Jasper used to do that all the time too.

  21. Since my hair is on the short side, I got those things under control right away. Thank goodness! 😉

  22. I may have to write another post about the time I was in that place beyond the white light. Can’t say I saw any relatives, but I did have an amazing experience–for real. I know you think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I guess I just have more to do in this life…like bug the begeebers out of you! 😉

  23. The next time you have a near death experience, walk through that white light, and see all those relatives, would you say hello to my Uncle Jasper for me? Oh wait, it’s only your OWN relatives you get see isn’t it. Never mind.

  24. Why you Awesalicious Funny Woman … wonderful. But, tell me, have you got your lightning-affected hair eggs under control yet?

  25. Ample bosom AND the ability to defy death? You are a superhero/villain indeed!

  26. I think that the Cat Woman costume looks a bit stretchy so I think you would be fine, even without the red lipstick. Looking forward to the next instalment…..

  27. I enjoyed reading this post. You are very funny and though I’m not a cat lover or cat woman, your post made me want to be one. I’m definitely going to be reading more of your post.

  28. I’d like to think that in spite of some serious lack of judgment issues (in many cases), I have some powerful forces looking out for me–so I must be doing something right!

  29. I have to ask. Does this many near death eexperiences mean that you’re doing something right? Or doing something wrong?

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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