Some things you can only see from behind the wheel. I just wish I could get the keys to this Bad Boy…

I’ve been traveling a lot over the past couple of weeks.  Well, “a lot” by my standards.  I usually travel as much as a person doing 20 years to life in the state penn.

Okay, so I’ve put on a little weight since I’ve been in The Big House. Whatcha gonna do, arrest me?

I’m finally home and have time to kick back and share with you some observations I had while traveling both north and south of where Scrappy lives.  Thus I have time to write a worthless totally awesome post jam-packed with useless helpful information for you fellow travelers who are probably back from your summer vacations and sick of traveling, too.  I hope you learn something from the things I learned while traveling.  If you do, well, then that’s just a bonus neither of us could have anticipated.

Do tell, Lorna! There’s so much I can learn from someone like you.  And when you’re finished teaching me, I’ve got a few things I’d like to show you…

  1. If you pack your camera, you really should carry it with you, take it out of its cushy carrying case, and use it to document the stuff you see.  If you don’t pack your camera, then at least you have a really good excuse for why you don’t have original pictures to show your family and to post on your blog.

    This is a poster of the International Camera Enforcement Officer. He found me and wasn’t happy. Well, you can kind of see that that’s his general disposition. Even frisking me to make sure I wasn’t just hiding my camera didn’t lighten his mood.

  2. Preparing for a long car trips with the man of your dreams by printing off a long list of politically charged questions for you to debatediscuss…agree upon so you can “keep conversation fresh and pass the time” is probably not the best way to begin a relaxing vacation together.  There were upsides to all of our wa-ha-hat? argumentssilent incredulous staring matches…adult and civil discussions.  We learned a great deal about each other,  like how one of us was raised by feral cats (and by “one of us,” I don’t mean me).  We luckily found some common ground.  We both decided that “texting” while driving is safer than getting a fiscal conservative (not me) and a social liberal to agree on how to “fix the economy” while driving.

    Yeah, well, this is just the first prototype. The second one is even better. Any guesses on what the improved version might look like? Let’s just say that those smug smiles, guys, will be gone.  At least we won’t see them.

  3. If a “free” Cirque du Soleil show is offered, be suspicious.  Be very suspicious.  Get the details.  Get all the details.  You will stand for the entire performance (45 minutes) because seating is very expensive.  You will be outside, because inside is very expensive.  You will have to arrive (and stand) an hour early to have a hope of seeing anything because tall people with large festive hats always stand in front of you at free events.  Finally, the performers may not actually be the best performers because a “regular” performance (held inside for $100 a seat) is showing at the same time.  These outside free performers are either: rejects from the real show, injured performers, or random people dressed up in bizarre costumes looking for some action, which could describe a lot of people you’re already standing next to.

    Yup. This guy is 6’2″ and totally standing in front of me at every venue I’ve ever tried to see.  I think the hat is glued to his head, because it is not coming off…even in a hurricane.  He’ll just hover and get a better freaking view.

  4. Some people should re-think a career in food service. We were in an Italian-ish restaurant and a male server was a case in point.  He must have formerly been a kindergarten or driver’s education teacher.  He spoke slowly and quite loudly, as if his customers were unwilling unable to understand English spoken normally and with their “inside voice.”   He kept asking his customers if they wanted “sprinkly cheese” on their food.  I thought he was serving a group of little kids.  Being a nosy curious person, I had to assess the situation.  He was serving several tables.  All of his customers were “AARP-eligible” adults.  The waiter was also in that age 50-ish range.  Everyone in the dining room could hear him converse with his customers; he was speaking so loudly.  And slowly.  And in simple words.  “That pasta looks yummy!  Do you want sprinkly cheese on it?”  “Oh, it’s you’re birthday?  Well, I’m going to bring out a nice piece of cake with a special candle on it just for you!  What?  You don’t want a candle?  Now, come on.  I’m an old fart, too, and I still love blowing out a candle on my special day.”  “You want another soda?  Are you sure you can handle that?”  Maybe he was channeling Mr. Rodgers…

    Don’t bother with the menu, folks. I’ll just read it for you. Spaghetti is that long skinny pasta that tastes great with sprinkly cheese on it…

  5. When you finally make it home, there’s nothing like a greeting from your pooch who misses you.

    There you are! I was just about to go on a Search and Rescue Mission. Let me cut the engines, deplane, and run around in circles. You could help by pulling me out of this contraption.