So Buddhists generally have shaved heads…But she’s got the robe and shaving either Lorna’s blonde hair or Shirley’s curly locks would be so, well, let’s just not go there.

Lorna, ” the Buddhist with a funny bone” (thank you Devina) with the world...internetWordPressclose but no cigar…aspiring-to-be famous and brilliantlycleverly…obviously named blog, Lorna’s Voice, has recently hired the wildly successful…totally fictional company, Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc., to represent her in all of her future writing endeavors.

Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc.  is a full service fictional agency that handles only clueless memoir writers who are blonde, dizzy, and, well, so far, that’s who we handle.  We’ve got one customer, and she’s a doozy!

As Lorna’s representative, we’ve been asked to give you an update on her life so that you, her loyal readers and stalkers, will rest easier knowing the intricate details that form the foundation of scandals, which, we in the writing business call priceless publicity.

We are trying to avoid this kind of incident for Lorna in Easton, PA (oops), but this kind of publicity for her could boost her career. Maybe not as a distinguished writer, but , …

You may not have heard much from Lorna lately, who is, if your haven’t noticed, one great blogger to have on your side (part of our service is to make our client seem too good to be true, which, in Lorna’s case is easy because she is…true and and too good).

She’s gone missing because she was whisked away by her handsome man to an undisclosed vacation spot in a foreign country that sounds a lot like Fanada.  Se went voluntarily.  We don’t want to start any rumors.  Lorna turned off her computer because it was about to explode from overuse–or maybe she was about to explode from overuse (she was fuzzy on those details when we spoke), and left the for Quebec City with nothing electronic but her navigational system, which we don’t think is really electronic–it’s more run on a magic/luck/hooliganistic system powered by evil spells.  Oops.  Our bad.  We disclosed the undisclosed destination.  Did we mention we have VERY LOW introductory rates for our dizzy blonde memoir customers?  Anyway.  They had a great time.

We’re trying to find a way to put all of this important info on our business cards and fit our contact info on there, too. Any ideas?

As part for our “good” service, Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc. suggested that Lorna distribute several copies of her memoir manuscript to people willing to read the thing for free and give her editorial and silly typo corrections/comments because we didn’t want to know how to do it.  She distributed six copies.  To date here are the results:

  1. Four copies were returned with actual feedback.  From these copies, Lorna learned that: she sucks at proof-reading her own work, she’s a very funny and effective writer if you can get past all the typos, and even people who know her life story didn’t want the book to end (all 270 pages of it).  Which means they still want her to live.  Which is a very good sign.
  2. One copy is still with her younger sister who doesn’t get a lot of time to read and is a perfectionist.  Lorna may get her edits back by the time the book goes to print.
  3. The other copy is with Lorna’s son.  He’s afraid to read the book because it contains details of his mother as a young and rowdy woman.  For some reason, sons don’t like to think of their mothers as humans.  The book also has details of his mother’s emotional journey as a wife–a lonely, lonely wife.  For some reason, sons don’t like to face the emotional baggage of their mothers, even though they have no problem making their mothers schlep their emotional baggage.  This is why sons grow up someday and have children of their own.

Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc. is now in the process of selecting a professional editor who knows memoirs even better than we do, which is setting the bar a little too low for Lorna’s liking, so we have to play our A-game and find someone real good.  Lorna is so picky.  She wants someone who doesn’t already love her to read her book and tell her what s/he thinks of it.  With standards like that, she’ll never write a Harlequin Romance.  But it’s her life and her savings account.

Lorna just emailed us and told us she has no interest in writing a story in which the man’s chest is more alluring than hers. We said she was picky.

It’s our obligation her at Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc. to notify you that Lorna will, once again, be on the road for the next several days.  She is accompanying her handsome man on one of his many business trips.  As such, she will be left alone in the hotel room all day for several days.  She’ll be in Pennsylvania, but don’t get any wild ideas to go scouring the big state of PA to find Lorna so you can fill her day time with drama.  She has lots of YOUR blog posts she needs to catch up on and maybe a few of her own to write.  So, for the love of God, leave her alone.  We’d hate to have our sister (or brother) affiliate Dewey Hafta and Sons come after you.  Their motto is: “We may not wanna, but we will because, hey, we’re here anyway.”  Trust us, you don’t want to be dealing with these guys; we pay them in denominations of six-packs.

Not all of the sons have six-pack abs, but we’re giving you fair warning.

Disclaimer: This newsflash is the sole property of Readum N. Weap Ink, Inc.  Lorna, as a client, had nothing to do with the content of this ad, but has generously allowed us to use her blog to broadcast this announcement because we can’t afford our own free site.  If anything, and we do mean anything, from this announcement is quote-unquoted, disunderstood, or unfactually misunderepresented, you will getting a visit from Dewey Hafta and Sons.  And they will already be paid in full…

Don’t be fooled, Dewey Hafta and Sons don’t travel fast, but when they finally get to you, they’re good and lubricated. So watch out. They’re best move is falling over on you.