Yes, I know If I shoot this gun into the wall the bullet could either ricochet and ruin my dress or damage the paint, but I’m really confused about whether these stripes make my hips look fat.

The world is a confusing place, even without watching the revival of Dallas (isn’t J.R. Ewing dead for real, meaning Larry Hagman died years ago, right?).

They could totally get a wax figure to play him.

I don’t know why I just had to stick my nose, or in this case, my eyes, in places it (they) could easily have stayed in a safe place, like watching Jeopardy for children where I know at least 50% of the answers, I mean questions.  Sheesh.  Even this sentence is confusing.

I might just as well get to the point.  I looked into the deep, dark pit that is my SPAM folder.  Mistake. Big mistake.

But my mom brought me up right.  She taught me to share.  So I’m going to share with you the shocking, insensitive, oddly complimentary, bizzaro, messages I found.  I thought you would appreciate my generosity. I’ve categorized the type of SPAM for your benefit.  Again, you’re welcome.

Personal Insults

From Claire, writing in response to my post about me being a judge in Dark Globe’s Tell Us A Story Photography Contest: “try to improve your website and as well as you should improve your writing”  Well, Claire, I’m always open to constructive criticism.  You have the criticism part down cold, but you need to improve your skills in the constructive part.

From Anastasia, in response to the same post: “i would be subscribing to your feed myself in case you got more interesting posts next time”  Okay.  First, no one outside of a Danielle Steele novel is named Anastasia, so just have the integrity to use your real SPAM name.  Second, how about you and Unconstructive Clair stop the cyber bullying? Why don’t you just do something that will really challenge you, like figure out which words in a sentence should be capitalized and learn about this new concept called punctuation?

Hah! Caught you, Anastasia! Where’s Claire? Getting you some catnip to make the night extra fun at the expense of others?

From Anonymous at “porn live news,” in response to my About Lorna page: “every time i come here i am disappointed.”  A porn live news website?  There’s news to report in the porn world?  I thought that everything had already been done over and over in the same ten films and their fifteen sequels–or so I’ve been told by really sketchy people who know these things and insist on telling me about them.  But I need to address  Anonymous Porn Site Perv:  You have obviously, typical of porn site pervs, visited my site repeatedly.  If you were disappointed the first time, why did you keep coming back?  Maybe that’s just what porn site pervs do.  I hate to break the news to you, but you will be disappointed every time, because I’m not planning on making any equally disappointing sequels.

Hey, Loser, you sure you want to click there again?

Spammers Concerned About My Impending Slide into Decrepitude

I’ve made no secret of my health issues, but for an almost 55-year-old, I think I look pretty good.  Phil thinks I look great.

Sure, I have:

  1. Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome making me dizzy, but not making me blonde.
  2. Frequent blinding migraines, making me miserable, but not making me female.
  3. Bowels more irritable than Judge Judy.

    This is one of her better days.

  4. A highly sensitive personality that makes me more high maintenance than a Jaguar XJS (I looked that up on the Internet, so it must be true, sorry Jag owners–on lots of levels)
  5. Lower back pain due to Degenerative Joint Disease, which in the past used to be called arthritis.  But that diagnosis makes people sound so old.

But, spammers must think that every almost 55-year-old has one foot in an orthopedic shoe and the other raised to reduce the swelling in her ankle.  These are the products they want me to buy:

  1. Hearing Aids: There’s nothing wrong with my hearing as long as you speak loudly enough and I can see your lips moving.  And I can hear the voices in my head loud and clear.
  2. Corrective Eye Surgery via Lasers: Um, I’ll stick with my drug-store reading glasses, thank you very much. Don’t lasers burn holes through bank vaults and people’s souls?
  3. Permanent hair growth elixirs: Target your market more accurately, Hair-Growth People. Women my age are looking to permanently rid themselves of the unfortunate She-Beards they are growing.  At least you got the “permanent” part right.

    Be honest. To what feature are you most drawn on this trying-to-look-alluring woman?

  4. Uppers, downers, and all-arounders: I’m dizzy enough. I don’t need help from Dr. Cyber Feel-Weird and Nurse Constipation.  And not that it’s any of you business, but my sexual performance needs no chemical boost.
  5. E-Cigarettes: What?  Is this part of some plan to reduce health care costs?  Kill the Baby Boomers off by getting them hooked on Cyber-Ciggs just like we are hooked on all things that we think will make us appear “hip?”  You’re not fooling me.  I know what happens when computers smoke.

    Yup. You have to call The Tech Guy and, after waiting on “hold” for hours only to be told you’re stupid, you might actually need a cigarette to calm you down. It’s a total trap.

Spammers Concerned About My Social Life

Maybe it’s clear from all the time I spend on my computer that I don’t get out that much, but I have a rich and fulfilling social life, if you count my dog, my imagination, my family, the super hot guy with whom I live, and my blogger-peeps.  I have some live friends who talk to me when I talk to them.  But they don’t contact me unless I contact them first, which kind of makes me wonder if they’re just more busy than I am, or if my definition of “friend” is too demanding.  I’ll have to over-think that one.

Senior People Meet wants me to join them–all the time. While I haven’t explored their website because I didn’t want to give any of the Senior People the impression that I want to meet them, I suspect that this is not a group of high school seniors–which isn’t my demographic any more than a bunch of swingers living the good life on Geritol.  Let’s just say I’m happy with my social life and don’t want to dip my toe and accompanying bunion into the online dating pool.

This silver fox read all about Mark Zuckerberg.  He’s the brains (powered by Viagra) behind Senior People Meeting. Well, Mr. I’ve-Got-My Plate-Full-But-l-Can-Get-A-Bigger-Platter, I’m not liking the odds one little bit.

Okay. I’m going to delete my SPAM and go meditate now…if my back will hold me upright for 20 minutes.  If not, I’ll recline on my heating pad so I can both look and feel hot while reading and commenting on your posts.

I learned these stretches in yoga, so don’t be so judgmental.