Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 7th Edition

You should see some of the search terms I get. They shock the pants and other critical garments right off me!

It’s time once again to take a peek at what brings unsuspecting Internet Searchers to this blog. The Divine Ms. L is doing something different this time. “You can count on change!” That’s her motto–at least for today. She hopes you don’t mind. If you do, well take a deep breath and relax. You should know by now, The Divine Ms. L knows what’s best, so let’s have a little trust in her, people.

The Divine Ms. L did some research on all the Internet search terms that directed Fruit-Loop-A-Doodles…wonderful readers to this blog since last June. She realized that many of the sickos…searchers out there in Cyberspace-Cadet Land were searching for things, not just answers to unthinkableillegal…quirky questions. She thought it would be scary…fun to list the top 15 “items” searchers go trolling the Internet for and end up here, much to their bitter disappointment.

If you missed the other installments of this series, click herehere  here and here , here,and here.  With all this clicking, you’ll sound like you forgot to secure your dentures before you decided to try Karaoke at the family picnic.

Bessy, where’s my Fix-o-Dent? I wanna make it through at least one chorus of “In the Good Old Summertime” for good old summertime’s sake.

DISCLAIMER: Oh forget about it. I have no excuse for what I’m about to do.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L …,

“Confused old woman” 65 people are searching for a confused old woman OR 1 person has been relentlessly searching for a confused old woman. I don’t get it. There are so many confused old women probably driving, shopping or wandering near you, why would you–or 65 of you–need to do an Internet search to find one? And what exactly do you plan on doing with this confused old woman? Helping her cross the street? That’s it! Boy Scouts are conducting this search. I wonder if their Troop Leader knows the lengths to which these boys will go to get that Merit Badge?

Hey, look! We finally found one! Let’s get her outside where’s there’s lots of traffic.

“Confusing map” 64 people (and only 64 people) aren’t confused enough by their navigation systems or their “innate” uncanny sense of direction. These people are looking for maps to confuse them. If they are on their way to their in-laws for the weekend, the company staff retreat at which there will be “trust building” exercises or their nephew’s college graduation at which there are 5,000 stoned…eager graduates and several regrettably sober…verbose speakers, then a confusing map is just the right thing to have. I hope I helped. You’re welcome.

Jeez. This map really is confusing. The last time I looked, I was in the car headed west on Route 76.

“Sexy dog walker” (or some version of these words) I know dogs pretty well. Some would call me the East Coast Dog Whisperer. So trust me when I tell you and the 56 other nimrods looking for sexy women to walk their dogs that dogs don’t care about the general appearance of the people walking them. Or maybe you perverts out there want to see sexy dogs walking around. To all of you I say, “Get a life or I’m going to report you to the ASPCA.” They may not have a law on the books for impure thoughts involving canines, but they should.

Oh no, I never thought of this possibility. Scrappy! You scoundrel! Now I know what you’re doing when I’m in my sewing room. And you’re highlighting the sexy pooches you find? Oh, boy. This is embarrassing.

“Buzz cut woman” This is either a convention of 55 Steven King wanna-be horror genre writers, the 55 creative staff members of Twisted Films, Inc. looking for ideas for a sequel to their popular Saw film phenom, or 55 people looking for a fresh summer hair style option to, well, having hair. Your guess is as good as mine.

This is what you searchers were looking for, weren’t you?

Not this so much, eh?

“Swarm of flies” I don’t know if it’s panic, sadistic…simple curiosity, or scientific inquiry, but 54 searchers wanted to know something about swarming flies. Perhaps you or a loved one were recently the object of such a swarm and want to know if slathering yourself in honey and running naked in a field is something you should plan again for your second anniversary. Maybe you, like the buzz cutters, are pitching possible horror book or movie plots. Or could it be that you are a trained scientist and you are so human contact-…sleep-deprived that you stooped to a Google search for your research rather than a proper academic review of the entomological literature?

What you don’t see in this picture is more important than what you do see. Hidden in the tall grass are: 2 honey-slathered naked people wishing they had simply gone out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their anniversary; 31 writers hoping for some macabre idea for a book or screenplay about flies because their ideas about buzz saws just didn’t cut it; and 21 entomologists who gave up on Google for their research because it brought them to a little blog called “Lorna’s Voice” when they were trying to find an academic source for their research on swarming flies, so they decided to try some good old-fashioned field research.


Stay tuned to discover what other zany “items” Internet searchers went looking for and found “Lorna’s Voice” instead.

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I’ll be up to another bag of tricks soon.

~ by Lorna's Voice on May 1, 2012.

14 Responses to “Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 7th Edition”

  1. […] have to scour the archives around here pretty far back to find the last time The Divine Ms. L. made an appearance. She knows you missed her. She’s […]

  2. […] I'm in the middle of the Seven Deadly Sins contest, the Light up the Blog-o-Sphere movement, the Divine Ms. L series, and the Brilliant Oxymoron series. Does this seem like a great time to check out? Plus, I can […]

  3. So happy to oblige you, Kind Sir. My inner Diva just aches to strut her stuff more and more these days. Whatever shall I do? 😉

  4. I look forward to each and every edition of your divineness, Lorna. I rather like the insight you shed on the motives of such souls searching for er… whatever it may be they are searching for. Thanks for my morning laughter, once again!

  5. Don’t worry, Diana, I don’t think I could stop if I really tried. Oh wait, I did try once and I couldn’t stop–so there you go! 🙂

  6. I just returned from a week of vacation (and unreliable internet service) and your blog was the first one I checked. You always make me laugh. Don’t ever stop.

  7. Glad you found me and that you had a good chuckle at some of these zany search terms. They are a hoot! 🙂

  8. That was hilarious. I am always amazed about the search words that are used that ended up on my blog. I found you through a comment. No searching needed. But then I know I could always find you with one of the lines above. Thanks for the laugh.

  9. Yes, it is often a mystery–but a potentially funny one. 🙂 Thanks for stopping in, reading and commenting!

  10. I check my search terms frequently, and I never know whether to laugh or cry. The real fun is trying to figure out how Google connects my little old blog to some of these search terms. Yikes! Well done.

  11. Hmmm, I never thought of that. I best be on the look-out for suspicious blogger-types (people with lap tops following me around in cars, looking for a WIFI connection). And I thought I just had to be aware of any cats that may attack Scrappy. 😉

  12. One can but hope…

  13. Amazing. I hope you can have a positive effect on these helpless people, Lorna.

  14. I thought ‘sexy dog walker’ might be a search for Divine Ms. L walking Scrappy on a fine day in May, wotdyasay? cheers catchul8r molly

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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