Don’t Take My Word For It

Now that I've given you the good news for the day, let's fill the rest of the show with bad news. I can't wait.

I’m no fan of The News. It’s not just the stories of the inevitable destruction of civilization and the universe that distress me, the people who deliver the news scare me, too. These are angry people who shout at each other, their “guests” and sometimes their audiences. If I want to be treated like that, I could have continued working in higher education.

Since I’m retired, invited to few parties not involving blood relatives, and most of my conversations with others involve the weather, the weather, did I bring my own grocery bag, and the weather, I don’t need to be informed about the chaos that most people accept as “the way things are.” I know it’s a mess out there; I just don’t keep up on the details.

It took a lot of work to get this uninformed. You really should be impressed.

There are two exceptions to my “No News” rule: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (when he’s not on one of his 25 one-week vacations per year). I can tolerate the news when it’s seasoned with lots of humor. Odd  news stories that fall through the cracks of mainstream news are also entertaining and give me a glimpse into just how wacky other people are. I feel like I’m not alone in the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction department. These stories are just too irresistible not to share with you.  That’s what this post is about. I’ve saved them, so get ready.

Ha! Ha! You think I'm kidding, don't you? That's the beauty of my show. I'm not. I'm just packaging the news in a way that Highly Sensitive People like Lorna can sleep at night.

Man’s Best Friend Eats Man’s Dream: A Seattle golf maniac…enthusiast won 4 passes to practice rounds at the Masters Gold Tournament. He was certifiably…absolutely giddy with delight, but not nearly as giddy as his dog, Sierra, who had seen them and thought they looked suspiciously like a doggy treat. Down they went. Mr. I-Love-Golf-More-Than-Sierra-At-The-Moment made his dog vomit (details withheld–you’re welcome). He tried to piece the gooey glommed-up ticket pieces together as best he could, took a picture of the mess, and sent a message along with the photo saying “My dog ate my tickets.” The Disgusta…Augusta National Golf Club printed him duplicate tickets. I hope someone gave Sierra some special treats after her ordeal.

I go goof balls for golf tickets. Yummy! I bet the tickets to the World Series are better than Bacon N' Bits.

It’s Fast Food, Not Fabulous Food: A Tennessee woman was so disgusted with her hamburger that she dialed 9-1-1 to complain. Twice. This is the transcript of the call: “I had ordered some food from Hardee’s over here and the food is no good, and the girl told me when I called her back that I could bring it back and get my money on it. Now she’s telling me she can’t do anything until tomorrow. I had to work for seven hours today to get that money just to eat a sandwich and I just got out of the hospital yesterday and they can give me my money back. I only took a small bite out of the burger and it’s nasty.”  Police were dispatched to this woman’s home and she was arrested for abusing the 9-1-1 system. The local Hardee’s Manager, 17 year-old, Timmy, politely declined comment but I hear they are considering installing a Comment Box near the trash cans. (I made that last part up.)

I'm telling you, this burger is so bad, I'm using it to make this call.

They’re Called “Dumbbells” For a Reason: In Modesto, CA, A man shot himself in the shoulder when he dropped a dumbbell on the floor and it hit a rimfire .22-caliber bullet, causing the propellant powder in the bullet to be activated and sending it into his shoulder. Or so he said. The police investigator was suspicious. The man is 56 years old and should have known better than to be lifting weights alone in his home. He also needs a better housekeeper. I hate it when stray bullets are left on the floor. They hurt when you step on them in your bare feet. And drop dumbbells on them.

Golly, I sure Momma didn't leave no bullets on the ground. She don't know I'm messing around with her new BustBlaster she done ordered from the Home Shoppin Network.

Driving Ms. Doggy: In Moscow (the Russian one), it took three dogs to figure out how to shift their master’s running car from “park” to “drive” and plow into another woman’s car in a parking lot. If there had been only two dogs, they could have never pulled it off. By the time the police arrived to survey the scene, the dogs had managed to shift the car into “reverse” and move the car several feet away from the woman’s car. There were no signs of empty vodka bottles, so the dogs were sober and their licenses weren’t revoked.

Let's get the car closer so Mommy doesn't have to lug the groceries so far. I'll work the steering wheel. Bobbka, you keep an eye out for traffic. And Doodles, you make sure you know the brake pedal from the gas pedal. Let's go! (I've translated this from Russian canine to English for your convenience.)

Oh, Just Play Along, Officer: In Altoona, PA (where I suspect to see an increase in applications for State Trooper positions), a state trooper reported that an extremely drunk woman met him at the door wearing only underpants and holding two yellow roses she wanted him to accept as part of her “cop fantasy.” The trooper was responding to a report that she was seen driving erratically. He had to work with her a little while to get her to admit she was driving while drunk. I’ll bet he had to work with her…

Hellooo, Ocifer Sessy Pants. You like my buds, you hansome guy, you? Hep arrange me with your bigg manly man hans. Petty peas, Ocifer, Sir.

If you don’t believe me, just click on the links. The stories are there. I’m not creative enough to make this stuff up.

~ by Lorna's Voice on April 18, 2012.

28 Responses to “Don’t Take My Word For It”

  1. Always happy to put a smile on your face–right where it belongs!

  2. Fun, Lorna! I was just cleaning out emails and came across this blog I had missed at the time. Was just the smile I needed to get moving today… maybe I can be the unusual news of the day (I am strange enough, for sure)! Would you believe…. Blessings for your day!

  3. Yes, I saw those photos and they shocked my senses, Kind Sir. I’m still blushing. 🙂

  4. I never intended to be a journalist, but I’m just as qualified as some of the “news personalities” spouting off on all those news “shows.” It sure isn’t like it used to be when Walter Cronkite was a brief but welcome guest in our homes for one half hour five days a week… 🙂

  5. Intend to follow your newscast in the future, Lorna and why not? I get succinct summaries and witty, whacky captions – dished-up with side order of tongue in cheek repartee, yep I’m changing channels, prefer your news vignettes, cheers catchu8r molly

  6. I got some pictures for you right here!

  7. Imagine that…news had you laughing. My work here is done! 🙂

  8. great post. had me laughing. so funny.. 🙂

  9. My young nephew once called 9-1-1 because his brothers were fighting. I guess this kind of thing happens more than we think. 🙂

  10. Thanks so much and I’m glad that you stumbled across my blog. I hope you come back for more! 🙂

  11. I agree. Although I hope not too many people now aspire to law enforcement for the opportunity to be part of some drunk woman’s “cop fantasy.” I mean how many women are there in Altoona, PA? 😉

  12. I love Jon Stewart. I manage to stay somewhat informed but can laugh at the insanity of it all. Glad you agree!

  13. Especially if they were all male… 😉

  14. Crazy, stuff, huh? You gotta love it, though! 🙂

  15. Yeah, me, too! 🙂

  16. I think in this case, they’re paw prints were all over this one. They were caught red-pawed!

  17. I’m happy that I made you giggle. I’d love to hear that giggle in person sometime… 🙂

  18. I love these strange-but-true news stories. How did those Russian dogs drive that car? Now that’s worth investigating! 😉

  19. I try to avoid the TV news too! Our local newscasters have helmet hair and wear Ravens purple almost every day and generally drive me bugshit with their plastic-ness while they deliver the doom and gloom. I read news online so I can get the general gist of whether or not the sky is falling from the headlines and then pick and choose what to dive into : ). LOVED these news stories though – especially the 911 Burger lady!

  20. Oh, I needed those giggles, Lorna, loving it 🙂

  21. Incredible. I’m so busy with the wackiness in my local news, I don’t have time for the national wackiness. Thanks for the heads up, Lorna, especially the dogs. Mine would absolutely steal my car keys then pin any trouble on me.

  22. Terrific. Best news I’ve had in ages!

  23. Lorna,

    I must find that news broadcast. These are incredible. Please don’t find yourself in Altoona or lifting heavy weights. Oh, right, you wouldn’t. You’re too smart for that. 🙂

  24. I noticed that the dogs had a GPS. Very smart. Think how tough it would be if they had to stop and ask directions

  25. Love these stories, if you make this a weekly post those of us who get our news from the Daily Show can add Lorna’s Blog to our news menu! Thanks for the laughs. Your writing rocks!

  26. FUNNY! We must never waver from out duty to expose those who believe brain cells are for incarcerating intelligent thoughts.

    As for the trooper, well, there has to be some upside to getting shot at all the time.

  27. fell across your blog by accident
    wel written and love the movie references!
    best wishes

  28. Dogs driving cars! What has the world come to?? I really love the lady complaining about her burger. Gotta admit, I’ve hated food that badly before. I can sympathize. LOL!!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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