It’s Spring, Not Fall, Right?

Rita was confused. The calendar indicated that it was spring. Then why did she keep falling down?

I’m confused. But that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Flowers are blooming. Buds are popping. Grass is growing. Birds are singing. College kids are skipping classes. Road crews are setting up construction signs. Spring is here.

Then why am I falling apart?

Oh, I know you think I’m melodramatizing again. When will you learn that I absolutely, positively never, ever exaggerate? I suppose I’ll have to give you the sordid details of my dismantalization, or for those of you who prefer not to sound out made-up words, the ways in which I’ve been falling apart lately.

I'm about to lose my license...

Green Food Blues: My super healthy and generous sister learned about the billion health benefits of juicing (and drinking) wheat grass. She bought a juicer for herself and for me. Not having any wheat grass on hand, she shared some grass with me to get me started. I quickly ran out of my limited free supply and talked to her about becoming my grass supplier, but needed some before she could make the arrangements, so I had to buy a stash from a local supplier. (This is perfectly legal, I assure you.) All was going well, meaning I wasn’t feeling any better or worse and didn’t get any serious grass stains on anything I valued, including my teeth. After about three days of consuming the locally-supplied grass, I got some rather serious rumblies in my tumblies. It wasn’t pretty on any level. Even though I was only drinking an ounce a day, my digestive tract decided to stage a hostile take-over. Each time I consumed any food, especially raw fruits or vegetables (remember, I’m vegan), I produced enough natural gas to power the local Holiday Inn. That was about two months ago. I stopped drinking the wheat grass, but my gut hasn’t forgiven me. My “safe foods” are broth. Everything else causes so much discomfort and embarrassment that I’m considering installing a muffler where the sun don’t shine. Oh, and I’ve made an appointment with my exorcist…doctor.

Oh, this may look safe enough. But beware of the hidden dangers of mounting a stationary bike. They carpet those floors for a reason.

These Wheels Were Made For Rolling: Philip bought us both new touring bikes. He loves to bike. I haven’t been on a bike since I got dizzy 11 years ago, but I was willing to give it a go. My test ride went great. No balance problems. No bike/car, bike/bike, bike/curb, bike/animal or bike/pedestrian accidents. I figured biking was our new best sport. We went on our maiden voyage a couple of weekends ago–10 miles. Except for a sore tush, all was well. This past weekend was our second ride. All was not so well. I should have known to pay extra attention to my every move because I woke up with “verbal typos.” I had a hard time communicating coherently–kind of like drunks have a hard time answering sobriety questions, only I wasn’t drunk. I felt fine; I just sounded like the village idiot. Why, then, was I surprised when I went to mount my bike that was stock-still, completely lost my balance, and landed HARD on my left knee and wrist? On pavement. Philip was putting on his helmet and assuming I was a normally functioning person. He saw the crash and rushed over to me while I spent my time writhing on the ground rubbing my knee. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to because it felt like my kneecap cracked. It didn’t. I could have blamed it on the south wind, but I didn’t (mostly because I was facing the wind). We went on our bike ride; I insisted in whatever language I was using at the time. “Go must we. I’m Otay.” My yoga pants never ripped, but I have a three-inch round road rash on my left knee. The skin must be on the inside of my yoga pants, which are being laundered to destroy the forensic evidence.

I know how you feel, Lorna. Let's do a fist bump or a diaper dump, oops, I mean bump.

Sunshine Go Away Today, I Don’t Feel Much Like Itching: Either I’ve become allergic to the sun or to sun-screen. Either way, outdoor sports and activities are going to be difficult for me unless I become accustomed to this insanely itchy puffy-eyed and blotchy faced look I’m currently sporting. Philip will have to get used to it, too. I looked at myself in the mirror today and it’s better than it was yesterday. Today I don’t look like I spent too much time in a tanning booth with a swarm of bees; I look more like I am recovering from some cosmetic procedure involving words like abrasion and injections. See, this weekend I spent more time in the sunshine than most bats like to spend. I’m careful, so I wore sunscreen. Something went terribly wrong. I’m back in the bat-cave today and praying for the cloudy weather they keep forecasting.

Holy Super Heroes, Batman! Looks like there's enough for a dizzy blonde to do in the Bat Cave. Why would I want to go outside at all?

So signs of spring are everywhere. Flowers blooming, grass sprouting, trees leaving, college kids skipping classes; and me bruised, gassy, itchy, and in hiding. I can’t wait for fall when I’ll feel put back together again. Maybe I’ll even have a spring in my step…

Nah. That would be asking for more trouble knowing me...

~ by Lorna's Voice on April 16, 2012.

33 Responses to “It’s Spring, Not Fall, Right?”

  1. In my mind, I’m ageless. Why, oh, why does my body not understand this? I thought there was a mind/body connection… 😉

  2. Ah, baby, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t get any easier as you stack on the years. Your posts are so fun, but they always strike a universal truth/experience.

  3. Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and your face just gets blotchier! 😉

  4. Thanks so much for your very kind words. My approach to my wonky life is to laugh because crying just makes my face more blotchy! I’m glad you enjoyed the post and I hope you come back to visit again. 🙂

  5. Tots, this too is continuing to pass every day, all day. 😉 I’m taking it as easy as I can!

  6. Good golly,, Lorna. Be easy on those initial juice try-outs. I know about being out of sorts w/beet overload. The room was spinning and suffice it to say, moderation is my motto with foreign stuff. But I hope this too shall pass and your face patches up better than new. Gotta say, if strangesness didn’t visit us on occasion, whatever would we blog about. Keep taking it all in humorous stride and making us laugh.

  7. I loved reading this post. Made me smile, even giggle, and for a moment or two actual belly laughter. Your writing is so fun and humorous. All the way from eating/drinking grass, the infamous bike excursion, and the allergy to sun related products. You put such a fun spin on it all, and to be honest you remind me alot of my cousin, Zoe, who, from what I can tell, shares the same style of humor as you (which is great, cause she’s probably a comedic prodigy (except she’s 44yrs old, so maybe you might want to delete the ‘prodigy’ part. 🙂

  8. I’m sorry all this has to happen to you! But as always, you put in your humor to your problems 🙂 You never fail to give me a smile 🙂

  9. Sadly, all my concentration was on mounting the darned bike. Perhaps I should wear a sports bra next time rather than my “keep my man interested” bra. Maybe “The Girls” were listing too far to the left and that’s what threw me off balance. It’s very difficult being a stacked female athlete. Men just don’t appreciate that fact. Well, maybe they appreciate it; but they don’t empathize. That’s what I’m getting at.

  10. I’ve made a surprising recovery (except the tummy issue). My skinned knee is the only evidence of any fall–no swelling or aching in the knee. I may be dizzy but I’m a quick healer!

  11. Your title sez it all, Lorna! lol Hope your bones are good and strong.

  12. Regarding the fall mounting the bike… weren’t trying to chew gum at the same time were you? Just wondering…..

    True to your talent for self-deprecation, you have once again taken me to the heights of hilarity while describing the foibles of Lorna. Of course, as a man, you know I am a pushover for good fart jokes (or even bad ones).

  13. Absolutely! 🙂

  14. There was a time when I would have kept all of this to myself, but I’m too tired and dizzy to run for public office and my son is well beyond being embarrassed by me, so, what the heck!

  15. Imitrex just makes me feel woozey, but takes the pain away. I definitely know the feeling of a broken relay switch between brain and mouth (and fingers when typing). Thanks for sharing that. It’s nice to know that none of us suffers alone. 🙂

  16. Normal would be nice. But what’s normal? Wheat grass is a thing of the past, believe me. It has been for 2+ months. I just wish my tummy would believe me! As for the rest of the stuff…One fall won’t daunt my biking enthusiasm (but I can’t go to yoga until my knee is less tender and I can’t go swimming until I grow some skin). I’ll look for some all-natural sunscreen or only bike in the early evening. If there’s a will there’s a way. And I’m a girl with lots of will!

  17. I’ve given up trying to figure out what causes these things to happen to me. Could be someone has a voodoo doll that looks suspiciously like me… 😉

  18. Yes, it does. One fall won’t stop me from biking with Phil. A couple years ago I got to ride a horse (something I used to love to do). I wasn’t on him five minutes and I flew right over the top of his head. I’d never fallen off a horse before, but I got right back on and went for the ride. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? 🙂

  19. Yes, I’m going to try an all-natural sunscreen to see if that helps. The swelling and rash are gone, so it was a short-lived thing, unlike by tummy troubles. Thanks for the concern, Gayle!

  20. I’ve never heard of people eating grass. Just seems to me if we were meant to that, we would have cuds.

  21. Just looking at those shoes makes my feet hurt and makes me feel wobbly!

  22. Great post. I LOVE the shoes 😆

  23. I wonder what could be going on with your poor digestive tract. I would think the wheat grass should be long gone now and not the culprit behind your trouble. I found out the hard way that I’m allergic to PABA, a common ingredient in sunscreen and had the same experience you did. The rash only appeared where I had applied the sunscreen.

    Take care, Lorna…road rash hurts!


  24. A hubs who loves to cycle, some flat terrain and my bike readied for a trip – and I’d be gone. My bike is great, but our narrow, hilly and curvy roads are not conducive to a partnership of traffic and bikes.

    Hope your enjoyment outweighs the challenges. :O>)

  25. Poor you! Ever since I had my 4th back surgery, my balance has been odd and I’ve taken to falling a few times in the past few weeks. Maybe it’s just this spring air or some new air-borne infection is spreading with the increasing pollen???

    Take care…

  26. Jeeze, you have an eventful life. (i’m trying to put a positive spin on it.) As to your digestive upsets, what happens when a dog or cat eats grass? They barf. Take a lesson from the four legged creatures, if it makes them sick, don’t eat or drink it. I wonder if antihistamines would help the sun screen reaction? I have to say, you’re one of a kind though I imagine there are times when you’d rather not be quite so special.
    I hope you’re better soon. Falling apart is no fun.

  27. I sometimes wonder if my body is paying me back for the times I thought I hated it and called it names…hope you will be okay. I have the language problems when I have a migraine and for some reason they intensify when I take Imitrex to get rid of the migraine…I cannot control my mouth and there seems to be a relay switch flipped between the brain and the mouth.

  28. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s hell to get old. Our bodies can’t be trusted not to do old person shiz like falling down and making embarassing noises. I am not amused by any of this business (except how you tell about it).

  29. hahaha! Well… do let me know if you go out there again. 😀

  30. I sure will let you know…that is, if I ever go out there again! 😉

  31. Last night I said to MY Phil, “With me, if it’s not one thing, it’s three.” Sometimes I wonder if I’ve got a target on my back. I used to be such a healthy person…At least I have a healthy sense of humor. 😉

  32. Lorna, I thank dear dog in heaven or was it OUR Phil who introduced me to you. You make me laugh so much I could cry.

    Take heart, my hat is large enough to cover both our current misgivings.

    With a spring in my step and hare’s greetings,

  33. Lorna, I am so sorry you have had such a time. I, however, can’t stop giggling over your witty expression of your “adventures in the sun.”

    There are clothes that will work almost as good as sunscreen. I am allergic to many of them. I also get itchy the first few time I am out in the sun each season. I have no idea why that is–if you find out will you let me know?

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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