I’m Better than New! Just Kidding!

You'd be dumb not to drink Smart Water. It's water, only smarter. And it makes you look better than you...um...better than new...er...just like Jennifer Aniston. So don't drink it if you're a man unless you want to look like her.

Hey, hey, hey! Suzanne from A Window into the Woods just bestowed upon me a made-for-me blogger award: The Just Kidding Award. I’m not kidding and I’m not above going for the obvious joke, either. Seriously, this is a perfect award because it honors my inner rascal while asking nothing of me. Yup. No rules. All I have to do is visit my home page, scroll down through the award icons and watch that zany animated smiley face bouncing on the “O.” Now that, I can do!

But I suppose, being the good Buddhist I pretend I try to be, I should pay this honor forward and show a little humility by, I don’t know, doing something to show you that I deserve the award. Oh, that Dharma…

It's not easy being a Buddhist.

You know who makes me laugh because of his outlandish stories and zany captions on wonk-a-rific pictures he plucks off the Internet (other than me), which is a good enough reason to pass this award along? Al, the infamous cvillean. You know who else makes me laugh? Peg from Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings. Peg is clever and thinks in a different dimension–a funnier one than almost anyone I know. And Simone from Simone Benedict’s Blog.  Simone can weave a pithy tale that will make you chuckle for hours, just conjuring up the delightful pictures she paints with her brief but witty posts. Three seems like a good number. I’ll stop there.

That takes care of the second part of the title of this post, but what about the first part? Glad I asked. I’m feeding two birds (or squirrels) with one feeder. This is the second part of my brilliant Oxymoron Series. Maybe I should work on the title of this series–nothing with an “oxymoron” following it sounds brilliant. Oh well. I’m already up the “B’s.” I thought I would offer a few oxymorons that start with the letter “B” as proof that Suzanne made a good choice when she thought of me for The Just Kidding Award.

Warning: Objects in your rear view mirror may not look as brilliant when an oxymoron is following you.

Part 2 of Lorna’s Brilliant Oxymoron Series, the “B’s”

Bad health: “Health is defined in the WHO constitution of 1948 as: A state of complete physical, social and mental well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.” I didn’t make this up. This comes from a very authoritative-sounding site called defintionofhealth.com. You can argue with me all you want, but I wouldn’t argue with WHO. Who knows what power WHO has over WHOM. So if health is the state of being healthy, how can that be bad? Oh, I can hear the hypochondriacs coughing up answers as I type…

Baggy tights: That’s better than tight bags, but it’s still unsightly and a possible health hazard when attempting a rond de jambe, frappe, grande battement or just plain walking around.

Are these supposed to fit like this, or did I wander into a casting call for a "Depends Undergarment" commercial?

Barely dressed: Does this mean underwear but no outer-wear? Outer-wear but no underwear? Top but no bottoms? Bottoms but no top? Socks but no shoes? Shoes but no socks? Mask but no cape? Need I go on?

Better than new: I’m making an assumption, but because I know I’m making an assumption, it makes it alright to do it. Hey, it’s my blog and I get to make up the rules, if only in this one little place in the universe. Assumption: if it is new, it’s about as good as it will ever be. So how can something be better than new, especially when the repair person always says this after the new thing is broken and has just been supposedly fixed? Did the repair person use some magic repair tools or parts to amp up the value of the once-new-broken-now-fixed thingy? I wish. Especially because I probably paid the repair person more than the once-new-broken-now-fixed thingy is worth.

Even though she's old, I'll have her lookin' better than new with my special tools and the magic smoke I'm blowing up yer...um...

Boneless ribs: As a vegan, I’m at a real loss here. Some Fred Flinstone-esque omnivore, please help me with this concept.

I've got PETA on my speed-dial. This just isn't right.

Business casual: That’s what I’m told the dress code is for most social functions these days. I suppose if I hung out with the 1%, or even the 10%, the parties I’m invited to would be “formal” and I’d get to wear my tiara, but I’m not a high-roller. I’m a middle-roller. But “business casual” attire confuses me. I know what people dress like in business offices because I watch plenty of prime time TV. Men either wear law enforcement uniforms or suits. Women wear sexy dresses or some combination of clingy pants/short skirts and unbuttoned blouses revealing their black bras. Oh, and impossibly high heels. Business attire is clearly defined. Casual attire is well-defined for me is, too; it’s all about elastic, fleece or cotton, and sneakers. I simply don’t know how to combine the two looks successfully. Perhaps an off the shoulder sweatshirt with tight yoga pants and heels?

Business casual? I think the red clutch is too fancy for our local Chamber of Commerce dinner, don't you? I wouldn't want to stand out like a leggy super-model...

Your turn! Can you think of any “B” oxymorons?

~ by Lorna's Voice on April 11, 2012.

20 Responses to “I’m Better than New! Just Kidding!”

  1. Ooh, Molly, you’re very good at this! I’m impressed. 🙂

  2. Hi Lorna, the award is good fit … congrats! Oxymorons ‘B’ group? Well, here’s a few incongruous samples – butthead, brave politician, blind eye, beyond infinity, budget deficit and brawling love, cheers catchul8r molly

  3. I’m glad–we all need more laughing every day!

  4. The “C’s” are on their way–one letter a week is what I’m planning.

  5. So were you bare or dressed? I know, too much information… 😉

  6. You had me on the floor with barely dressed. 😉

  7. Too much fun. I always enjoy oxymorons and your’s are some of the best I’ve seen lately. Keep them coming. T

  8. Too funny! I was laughing at each one 🙂

  9. You are so very welcome. I told you many times when I comment on your blog how much I love your style. Now I put my money where my mouth has been–or something like that… 🙂

  10. Ha! You’re right about that! They probably fall out in the auditions. Darn that gravity… 😉

  11. Good one, Jacqueline! Sometimes I’d like to install a steering wheel back there for those types of riders! 😉

  12. I think that qualifies as an oxymoron. We’re both absolutely brilliant people, so if we both think so, then it must be true!

    Have fun with the award, Al, my wonderful pal. 🙂

  13. Leave it to Jim!

  14. Love your new award. Perfect! I can think of one Better than New-We bought a “new” car many moons ago. It was a lemon from the very begining. Jim proceeded to fix all the “little problems”so by the time we sold it-it was Better Than New.

  15. This may not be an oxymoron but I’ve always been puzzled how a building can both burn up and burn down.

    P.S. thank you for the award recognition. In view of your kindness I will soon post another issue of “They did what?” awards…..

  16. Congratulation another award – you go girl. Mmmm I love these posts you write – ok how about backseat driver 🙂

  17. Oh, almost forgot a B oxymoron. I can’t beat yours, but I like my cousin Lil Stevie’s WIP title, “Bodacious Ballerina from Baltimore” (at my first Iditarod post). I haven’t seen too many voluptuous ballerinas. 😀

  18. Oh wow Lorna, thank you for the huge compliment! I’ll admit I get a lot of inspiration from you. Tobaccy-chewin’ is one in particular. Yeah, thanks to you all my readers now think I’m the little woman in Kansas with a skoal ring on my levi’s pocket. Hee, hee.

    Love the widget for your award! And thank you also for adding me to your blogroll. I’ve been meaning to add you on mine. I’ll get ‘er done today.

  19. Thanks! 🙂

  20. And there you go……absolutely why you deserved this award! LOL! 🙂

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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